How do you console a friend who has lost her daughter?

[tanfastic]

Hi Geeks, I am sure some of you have noticed I have been on here a lot today, just absolutely floored with bad news . A close friend of mine's daughter (23 years old) was diagnosed with cancer a while back, she had radiotherapy and Chemo, in such great doses that it made her partially deaf and also frazzled her insides. After months went back for a check up and was told they had missed a bit and she had 3-6 months left.. Heartbreaking, such a beautiful girl, she was a make up artist and always looked gorgeous. She has been so ill and went downhill rapidly over the last few weeks.

She finally succumbed on Saturday and I am so upset for her and her mum. I only heard yesterday evening when her stepdad ( hubby's best friend sent me the message) her mum is too distraught to speak to anyone but close family at the moment. It was her only child and she was so proud of her. I called last night but their answerphone is on, I don't blame them, I left a message but ended up in tears halfway through, I refuse to text for such an emotional event but i do want to give her my sincere condolences and let her know I am here for her.
I have never had to console someone for the loss of their child. It just seems so unnatural, you don't expect to outlive your beautiful, vibrant exciting popular daughter,

What can I say without sounding trite and condescending or using the old clichés

 

[JenBella]

So sorry to hear of your friends loss..cancer is such a horrible illness and it's so tragic when someone so young with so much ahead of her is taken.
To be honest, from my own experience with loss of close family member, it's not necessary to say anything. A hug and let her know you are there for her, perhaps send her a card.
Sometimes when people pass away we feel like we have to have words of comfort to offer their family etc...in reality no words can comfort and nothing sinks in with a huge loss like that. Just being a friend is all you need to do and I'm more than sure you are a fantastic friend.

 

[sarah_clancy]

Hi Geeks, I am sure some of you have noticed I have been on here a lot today, just absolutely floored with bad news . A close friend of mine's daughter (23 years old) was diagnosed with cancer a while back, she had radiotherapy and Chemo, in such great doses that it made her partially deaf and also frazzled her insides. After months went back for a check up and was told they had missed a bit and she had 3-6 months left.. Heartbreaking, such a beautiful girl, she was a make up artist and always looked gorgeous. She has been so ill and went downhill rapidly over the last few weeks.

She finally succumbed on Saturday and I am so upset for her and her mum. I only heard yesterday evening when her stepdad ( hubby's best friend sent me the message) her mum is too distraught to speak to anyone but close family at the moment. It was her only child and she was so proud of her. I called last night but their answerphone is on, I don't blame them, I left a message but ended up in tears halfway through, I refuse to text for such an emotional event but i do want to give her my sincere condolences and let her know I am here for her.
I have never had to console someone for the loss of their child. It just seems so unnatural, you don't expect to outlive your beautiful, vibrant exciting popular daughter,

What can I say without sounding trite and condescending or using the old clichés

How awful for you I can't help really as I've never been in this situation, but maybe a card would be nice, let your friend know that you are thinking of her. No words will make her feel better, but it might be warming to know your their for her, and when she's ready to talk. Such a sad sad story

X x x

 

[Easydry]

It's a very hard situation all round. I'm sure she knows how you feel. Don't worry too much about talking to her now - she has a lot on her plate with letting people know, making funeral arrangements and dealing with her grief.

You should focus on what you can do for her going forward - in the days and weeks after the funeral. That's when she will really need your company, kind words and support.

Don't forget to give yourself time to grieve too - you won't be able to support anyone else unless you're strong.

Our thoughts are with you all at this sad time.

 

[Dolly6410]

thats so sad. it's a hard one, i don't think anyone really knows whats best because we are all different and all cope differently. I'd just let her know you're there for her if she needs someone to talk to no matter what time of day and take a step back. if she does want to chat then take it from there, she'll either want to talk about it in which case be more ears than mouth, or she'll want to take her mind off it, in which case think of some subjects to talk about that are not about family.

At my cousins funeral his friend organised a memory board with post its next to it, so everyone wrote a memory and put it on the board and his family could look back at it after, that was lovely.

 

[lila22]

Ahh Nikki im so sorry to hear of this news, i think just to let her know your there for her when she needs you is all you can do, :hug:my thought are with you x x x

 

[dandelionpoppy]

This is so sad. You will want to make her feel better, but sadly you can't. At this stage perhaps a brief message to say that you're there whenever she wants you.
Perhaps also you could offer to do a specific practical task, like walking the dog, getting a bit of shopping, dropping a meal off? These are huge jobs when you're grieving.
xx

 

[Starholistics]

There is not much you can do to ease the pain but be there for her and listen if she wants to talk. The practical help is a great idea if something specific rather than a general can i do anything. The loss will be overwhelming for a while yet but stay in touch with messages until she is ready. Love and hugs to you too as I am sure you are feeling the pain as well xx

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[Mobile Manicure]

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry for you and your friend. Terribly tragic. I agree with Dandelion. If you can do anything for her, if she lives close by like run errands, a bit of ironing, shopping etc, it will all help and show that you're there for her.

 

[PixieBeauty]

Deliver food, tea, coffee, biscuits & milk.

She will be inundated with visitors & the last thing she wants to think about is having supplies in for brews etc.

If she's anything like the rest of us she will probably say oh no thanks it's fine - trust me just do it. No fuss just turn up with enough frozen meals/lasagne/curry/whatever & a bag of shopping. If she wants to she can just leave it but it's one less thing for her to think about & long term it's a big help.

Don't forget to let yourself grieve too xxx

 

[NIGHT OWL]

Hi sorry to hear of your sad news..my heart goes out to her she will feel as if someone has taken the sunlight from her life..
I agree with all of the above posts, just let her know you are there for her.
When I lost my son my best friend wrote me a really lovely card, she even put some things in there that made me smile we are so close she knows what makes me tic, it really meant a lot to me.
Be there to listen if she wants to talk or hug her if she wants to cry or help her if she wants to do housework, but also try and read the signs if she wants some space.
If she get offered any counselling encourage her to take it, it really helped me. x

 

[JoJo1980]

Oh I'm so sorry, thats so sad. There really isnt anything you can do, but I would send a card or a text just to say your thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.
It helps more than people realise knowing that others care and are thinking of you. Of course she is too distraught to speak to anyone right now, give her time, it will come.
Perhaps a little hamper of some pamper goodies left discreetly on her doorstep, with a note letting her know you care?
Unfortunately the one things she needs, is the one thing that is physically impossible :Love:

 

[billie173]

Hi Geeks, I am sure some of you have noticed I have been on here a lot today, just absolutely floored with bad news . A close friend of mine's daughter (23 years old) was diagnosed with cancer a while back, she had radiotherapy and Chemo, in such great doses that it made her partially deaf and also frazzled her insides. After months went back for a check up and was told they had missed a bit and she had 3-6 months left.. Heartbreaking, such a beautiful girl, she was a make up artist and always looked gorgeous. She has been so ill and went downhill rapidly over the last few weeks.

She finally succumbed on Saturday and I am so upset for her and her mum. I only heard yesterday evening when her stepdad ( hubby's best friend sent me the message) her mum is too distraught to speak to anyone but close family at the moment. It was her only child and she was so proud of her. I called last night but their answerphone is on, I don't blame them, I left a message but ended up in tears halfway through, I refuse to text for such an emotional event but i do want to give her my sincere condolences and let her know I am here for her.
I have never had to console someone for the loss of their child. It just seems so unnatural, you don't expect to outlive your beautiful, vibrant exciting popular daughter,

What can I say without sounding trite and condescending or using the old clichés

I've just been thru this two my best friend lost her lil boy 3 months ago. Just be there as often as u can be the one who she crys with shouts out talks to. Anything it's such a hard thing to see ure bf go thru I swear to god would not wish on my worse enemy. Xxx

 

[Vanessa]

Unfortunately I do know about this as I lost my 17 year old daughter to cancer in 2001. I had plenty of family around but one of my good friends called in every day for weeks just to have a coffee with me. Often I didn't talk a lot but she just chatted about normal everyday things and when I did want to talk she listened.

We actually laughed a lot while remembering things, I wanted to talk about Rachel and share stories, she was my precious girl who I only had the privilege of knowing and sharing in her life for 17 years.

It's very hard as some people seem to avoid you as they don't know what to say as they're often afraid of upsetting you. Nothing is going to upset you further as the unimaginable has already happened.

We had loads of cards but didn't read many of them for some time as reading all the nice things and knowing how many people care is overwhelming.

The only thing I can say is to follow your heart, she's your friend, if you want to go around and give her a hug do it, you might only be there a few minutes but it will mean a lot, and as others have said you can always leave a cake or something.

I was glad of my beauty friends as they made sure my nails were done, my brows and lip were waxed - all done for Rachel as at the time I couldn't care how I looked but there was no way I would let my daughter down.

My friend who called around everyday took me shopping as I wanted something new to wear (that wasn't black as we were celebrating Rachels life) again for Rachel not me! Some things I've said might come across as odd but everyone is different I didn't cry much, doesn't mean I don't care!

A day doesn't go by without me thinking about her, I've learnt to live a 'normal' life, and just about everything I do I wonder what she would of thought of what I have achieved. One of the hardest things that I have to put up with is people who never knew Rachel who think it's ok to tell me (1) I'm selfish because I only had my son, and (2) how lucky I am to have my own business - guess what I would rather have.

Be a good friend to her and give yourself time to grieve for your friend as well xx

 

[happyfeet]

Im so very sorry to hear this awfully sad news lovey

Truth is honey sadly there is nothing you can really do, as the only thing they really want is their loved one back

However showing you care, whether it be a card, phonecall, text or hug goes to show that person you care about them and youre thinking of them, which im sure will be a comfort to her. The thing to do is not only 'be there' in the early days but also after, when the funeral has passed and life continues.

My auntie lost her beloved husband, my lovely uncle bob, on saturday to cancer, well actually his poor heart gave out and he collapsed at home and passed. He was her life and her him, how do you console someone that has lost her everything? I just dont know. Ive sent a couple of texts, and im going with my parents to the isle of wight where they live on tuesday for the funeral, but i honestly dont know what to say, words dont seem enough do they, but im going to hug the life out of her, supply her with cigs and celebrate uncle bobs life.

Lots of love to you honey as you are sad too and thinking of your friend and her family. X x x

 

[tanfastic]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, it has made me feel a bit less anxious about what to do, I don't want to avoid seeing her just because I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for the losses you have also suffered. I agree, words just aren't enough.
I only met her after I set her mum up on a blind date with her now husband. The mum is from Russia and her daughter came over after finishing at school, settled in here, went to college and made her mum so happy that they were all together as a family, they were apart for nearly 2 years while she was at school. But for the last 5 years she has been part of our family ( the mum married our ex-cousin in law. If that makes sense)
I know she is going to be so busy over the next few weeks, I am sure all her family will come over and she will need all the help she can get. It is a shame about the language barrier with her sister and Parents but sometimes you don't need words and I can still make tea and help with the shopping etc.

Thanks again, I just feel so sorry for her. I can not imagine how soul destroying it must be to lose your child.

 

[cath4512]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, it has made me feel a bit less anxious about what to do, I don't want to avoid seeing her just because I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for the losses you have also suffered. I agree, words just aren't enough.
I only met her after I set her mum up on a blind date with her now husband. The mum is from Russia and her daughter came over after finishing at school, settled in here, went to college and made her mum so happy that they were all together as a family, they were apart for nearly 2 years while she was at school. But for the last 5 years she has been part of our family ( the mum married our ex-cousin in law. If that makes sense)
I know she is going to be so busy over the next few weeks, I am sure all her family will come over and she will need all the help she can get. It is a shame about the language barrier with her sister and Parents but sometimes you don't need words and I can still make tea and help with the shopping etc.

Thanks again, I just feel so sorry for her. I can not imagine how soul destroying it must be to lose your child.

Hi hun, I lost my daughter almost 3 years ago, she was 21. At first it was a struggle to get out of bed, let alone shop, clean & walk my dog. My best friend helped me so much with the practical things & was always there if I wanted to talk, or if I didnt.

A lot of people avoid mentioning your childs name & that hurt me so much. I wanted to hear her name more that ever. So maybe ask her if she wants to talk about her daughter or look at some pictures of her.My friend & other daughter did a photo album from when Nicola was born right through till a week before she died. I look at it all the time.

All you can do is take it a day at a time with her. Some days she may want to be alone ( I had many days like that), & other days she may want company.

If you need to chat about anything, or want to offload, please PM me & I will help if I can.

My heart goes out to her & the family. Also to you hun, you are being a great friend to her & thats what she needs :hug:

 

[lila22]

Hi hun, I lost my daughter almost 3 years ago, she was 21. At first it was a struggle to get out of bed, let alone shop, clean & walk my dog. My best friend helped me so much with the practical things & was always there if I wanted to talk, or if I didnt.

A lot of people avoid mentioning your childs name & that hurt me so much. I wanted to hear her name more that ever. So maybe ask her if she wants to talk about her daughter or look at some pictures of her.My friend & other daughter did a photo album from when Nicola was born right through till a week before she died. I look at it all the time.

All you can do is take it a day at a time with her. Some days she may want to be alone ( I had many days like that), & other days she may want company.

If you need to chat about anything, or want to offload, please PM me & I will help if I can.

My heart goes out to her & the family. Also to you hun, you are being a great friend to her & thats what she needs :hug:

Cath I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, I can't begin to understand how you feel, you sound like you have great support which has helped you so I guess would be good advice for Nikki.
Always here is you need a chat x x x

 

[thinkpink2008]

It is hard losing someone so close. I lost my brother in 2008 at just 22(i was 21 at the time) the one thing that sticks in my head from then is my nephew on my hubbys side giving me a big block of galaxy and saying 'mommy says your sad and chocolate always makes me feel better' he waa about 4/5 at the time. There was nothing people could say to.help tbh but just be there as other geeks have said. Its still hard every day and you dont ever 'get over' something like that however you learn to cope with time. It broke my heart when i had my kids and knew theyd never meet their uncle and the day i got married he couldnt be there however we did do a balloon release for him and my hubbys mom who passed in 2006 at a young age too (only.in.her 40s) xx

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[Fionalex]

I’m so sorry to hear of your sad news. My thoughts are with you and her family.

I think everyone has covered the basics. There really isn’t much you can do but be there for them.

In the last 10 years, I have gone through knowing 3 close families loosing their children. One thing my mum did for her best friends who lost their son, was buy them an apple tree for their garden. She asked them first if it was something they would like and they loved the idea. But it may not be right for all. When the time is right maybe you could buy them something similar, or a rose bush, you may even get a rose that has a similar name to hers.

Nothing is going to bring her back, just being a friend at the moment is all you really can do.

xxxxxxxxxxxx