Problems with my mother!

[facelashbrow]

I also find it sad its put people off having children. I'm lucky, I have the most wonderful parents ever and I am besotted by my children. Now I have had them I can see why my parents will do so much for me (not to the spoilt point, just supportive) as I would walk over broken glass for my babies. Therefore I'd always do my mums treatments and for free.

However I have so many friends with terrible mothers, it shocks me how they have been especially now I am one. I have friends whose mothers are alcoholics to the point they havent attended their wedding, and lost the family home and she Is so selfish, several mums who put their new men first, a mum who commit benefit fraud in my friends name, a mum who moced abroad and left my friend here on her own to fend for herself as a 16yr old and is ao selfish when she visits and expects ao much with nothing in return, and a friend of mine who was raped for years by her step dad and her mum stood by him even wjen he went to prison. So I can totally agree that actually no you shouldn't do her bloody hair....yet emotionally it is very hard to cut your mum out of your life as I have seen. I think because you only have one, and she is supposed to cherish you, you have to really be pushed to breaking point before you'll give up and let go.

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[jo@glow14]

Goodness this thread is like a snapshot of my life, I'm 'glad' to see I'm not alone in not having my parents in my life! I was raised by my mother because she was forced to take responsibility for an unplanned teenage pregnancy...and don't I just know it! Never shown any love, no memories of hugs, nothing. Then when my brother was born when I was 11, the bombshell of being an accident and my dad not being my real dad, new brother being my half brother, was dumped on me. Along with "if you EVER speak of this again, you are in trouble. It's none of your business". She has never failed to hurt or screw me any way she can. We haven't spoken in 9 months and I am so much happier! Btw, I do have kids, but not a day goes by that they don't all know exactly what they mean to me. People that know I removed her from my life have branded me evil and sadistic. My mil and fil don't understand how I can do it. But as has been said several times here, unless you've experienced that special kind of maternal abuse, you can't possibly know how much it cuts you. I would give anything for a real mum, one that loves me and is happy to spend time with me without the 'what's in it for me' attitude, but sadly that is not to be.

Upshot it, do what is right for you. I salute you for doing her hair after the way she has treated you. You are a better person than I! And Persianista, you hit the nail on the head with the word 'toxic'.

 

[Lady Murasaki]

My mother is affectionate, however it is done in a needy and controlling way.

No more colouring her hair from now on

I could stand to be around her so went to my bedroom after she refused to leave last night , she walked up and down the landing past my oh and i's bedroom door shouting are u in bed???? For 20 min, then start shouting how rude I was.

I told her to leave when at work today, but she has text me saying she has my house keys and is staying tonight.

I have clients coming round tomorrow and even if I have call the police, she def going tomorrow.

I've just had enough, I'm suffering serve tummy pains from stress and I can't be doing with it

 

[Victoriabar]

I too was forced to leave school at 16, and leave home at 18. Her favourite phrase is still "you owe me, I let you live in my house till you were 18"
You can't reason with that.
I too remained childless, as I was terrified of family life. Still am.

This is quite sad that she mentally ruined your chances of a family.
I too lived with a vile woman, who threw me out onto the streets literally, packed black bin bags and left them on the front drive when I was 14.. I was desperate to have my own person to love and would love me too so was a mum at 16, I knew I could be just like HER or be totally different, and I am different I made sure I learnt from the way I was dragged up!!
My kids are respectful, respected and we live a calm basic life, its a whole world away from my upbringing.
Don't let these vile women dictate YOUR future!

Anyway, back to topic... Be overly booked or tell her the truth - you don't want to be a hair ticket all the time, see if she'll socially visit and if not then you know to wipe your feet on the mat after kicking her backside to the kerb!
Only my kids get freebies

 

[lucyboo]

I fortunately have a good relationship with my mum, but my mum didn't have with her own mum.
My mum learnt to be a great mum from her own mothers failing. Don't let her dictate how you should be, the fact that you have bent over backwards to please her says an awful lot about the person you have become x
My dad always put me down but he only did it once to my son before he was told that because ive out up with his negativity towards me all my life does not mean he can treat my children the same!!

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[Julie-Liz]

These are quite heartbreaking to read. I have a vile dad, and after what he put my mum through and seeing her come out the other side in totally idolise her, he used to turn up at my house drunk wanting his hair trimmed or cap highlighted (ridiculous really), used to tell people he was responsible for me n my sisters being so well rounded, intelligent etc. bit rich considering he was and probably still is always drunk, abusive, aggressive, lecherous m so on. Best thing I ever did was disown him, think when a parent does such an atrocious job it is better for you to step away, either fully with zero contact or just as far as a polite nod if you ever crossed paths. Depends on you really because you are the only person you should be thinking of in this situation. Hugs to all of you, I can't imagine ever being an evil mum to my kids, nobody asks to be born. I hope by now the OP has figured it out a bit and has found a happier balance x

 

[Zoe1303]

My mother is affectionate, however it is done in a needy and controlling way.

No more colouring her hair from now on

I could stand to be around her so went to my bedroom after she refused to leave last night , she walked up and down the landing past my oh and i's bedroom door shouting are u in bed???? For 20 min, then start shouting how rude I was.

I told her to leave when at work today, but she has text me saying she has my house keys and is staying tonight.

I have clients coming round tomorrow and even if I have call the police, she def going tomorrow.

I've just had enough, I'm suffering serve tummy pains from stress and I can't be doing with it

I don't think you should stand for any of this. It's disgusting. I get that she's your mum, but that doesn't mean she can treat you like this. In my opinion, she is being incredibly selfish. And until she starts showing you some of the respect you deserve, I'd tell her she can forget getting her hair coloured or coming over to visit. When she's ready to treat you with respect you could go for a coffee/ lunch somewhere in the middle of where you both live. It's not convenient but it's the only way you'll be able to have any kind of relationship with this lady and stay sane yourself. I wouldn't let the distance be an excuse for accepting her behaviour, if she wants to stay at yours, she knows what she's got to do. And if she can't make an effort to meet you half way for lunch, then you've got your answer from her. Good luck xx