battle for control!

[gemini_beauty]

Hi everyone, this is my 1st thread, sorry if its a long 1
My sister and i opened a hair and beauty salon in august 2006, she does the hair, i do the beauty, it is in a rented property and we pay all the bills 50/50 so therefore it is equal ownership as far as i am concerned. However, my sis constantly refers to the salon being hers and being just a hairdressers. This drives me mad, as silly as it may sound, but i feel as though she doesnt want me ther etc because of the way she is. I have even bumoed into family friends who ask me how her salon is doing and ask me what im doing with myself because they are unaware of me being a partner! i dont mean to sound selfish or childish but i dont see why she cant just aknowledge that there are 2 of us in the business. as i put just as much into it as she does! I have pulled my sister up about it on numerous occassions but she still continues to do it, im at my witts end and dont know what to do, any ideas?

 

[Mrs Bean!]

Hi everyone, this is my 1st thread, sorry if its a long 1
My sister and i opened a hair and beauty salon in august 2006, she does the hair, i do the beauty, it is in a rented property and we pay all the bills 50/50 so therefore it is equal ownership as far as i am concerned. However, my sis constantly refers to the salon being hers and being just a hairdressers. This drives me mad, as silly as it may sound, but i feel as though she doesnt want me ther etc because of the way she is. I have even bumoed into family friends who ask me how her salon is doing and ask me what im doing with myself because they are unaware of me being a partner! i dont mean to sound selfish or childish but i dont see why she cant just aknowledge that there are 2 of us in the business. as i put just as much into it as she does! I have pulled my sister up about it on numerous occassions but she still continues to do it, im at my witts end and dont know what to do, any ideas?

Hi Gemini!
I'd be annoyed if I was you but it would be a shame if you fell out as you are sisters as well as work partners. You could always start referring to it as "MINE" and see what reaction you get!

Luv
Mrs Bean xxx:lol::green:

 

[Susie H]

Hi Gemini!
I'd be annoyed if I was you but it would be a shame if you fell out as you are sisters as well as work partners. You could always start referring to it as "MINE" and see what reaction you get!

Luv
Mrs Bean xxx:lol::green:

That would be my take too, when asked what you are doing tell everyone about your beauty salon:green:
you never know that might work out well, her hairdressers your beauty salon and you don't even have to split the business or move.

 

[fiona wallace]

Why don't you let her see this thread or email it to her? Communication is SO important but sometimes you need a lever

 

[gemini_beauty]

thanks for your feedback, im going to start referring to the business as my beauty salon and see what she does, i know if she saw this thread there would be a major row, she doesnt see what she is doing wrong, thanks for that idea anyway though. x

 

[Trinity]

Two wrongs don't make a right, and I don't think referring to the place as 'yours' is the best way to handle it.

You're in business with your Sister, being in business with anyone brings a whole host of problems, add in the family factor and things become really really difficult. You also have the older/younger sibling thing to contend with too. I don't envy you, it's a tough situation to be in :hug:

Resolving it won't be easy, but there are things you can do to make it less confrontational and tense. I've got some suggestions, feel free to ignore anything you feel won't work, or doesn't relate to you, but it might give you some ideas on how to handle the situation.

1) Be clear about what you want. Why exactly does it bother you when she says 'my' business. Is it because you feel sidelined? Less important than her? Inferior? If you feel these things, why? You are obviously running a successful business, regular clients returning, making a wage. Why does it matter what she says? I think this may be a sibling thing, my older sister makes me feel inferior and I only see her a couple of times a year, let alone working with her every day :irked:. What would you like her to do? Start calling it 'our' business? Then ask her to do it. Tell her you feel sidelined, and left out, or demeaned when she refers to it as her business. It's all about the wording, don't come across as having a problem with her, but as having a problem with something she says. She'll be more likely to listen if you don't come across as attacking her.

2) Take control of the situation. If family/friends/clients refer to the business as 'hers' then gently remind them that it's your business too. Do it with a smile, they don't mean to offend you, they've just got other, more important things to them on their minds as to who's business it is. Remember, this is bothering you, not them, in the grand scheme of their lives it doesn't really matter who owns the business. You may have to repeat yourself a thousand times, and you'll get bored of it, and frustrated, but eventually it will sink in. Think about it, it's worked for your sister, she's been saying it's her business over and over and people remember it. Now it's time to take control and remind them it's yours too.

3) Be adult. She's your older sister but it sounds as though she's being a little childish if you've pulled her up about it, but she's continuing to upset you. Remember, children throwing a tantrum can't keep it up when faced with a cool headed calm adult. Use this mental image when dealing with your sister, be calm, cool headed and adult when you deal with her. Eventually she will have to respond to you in a similar manner and things will change. You can't do it half-heartedly though or you will be giving her mixed messages. Once to start to take control and behave differently you have to carry it on.

Good luck, apologies for the epic length and let us know how you get on :hug:

 

[sj1973]

totally agree with trin...2 wrongs dont make a right...have you tried talking to your sister about this??? i am a twin and if it was me ,
i would talk to her and tell her ALTHOUGH it may sound childish about your sis saying "her" business,it upsets you as your a team,
you dont want to fall out with her,so look at it as YOU are the mature one about all this and like said before,when people say "your sis business" tell them with a smile its joint,yours aswell ,if you smile about it they will know your serious without being nasty.let us know how it goes and good luck xx

 

[gemini_beauty]

iv decided not to refer to the business as mine because as you said, 2 wrongs dont make a right and it would mean im as childish as she is being. Iv tried to confront her about it again today but each time i mentioned it she turned nasty, as tho she wanted to argue, which then created an atmosphere in the salon which obviously isnt good for the clients etc. I really dont know where im going to go with this now, trying to be an adult and just talk things through isnt going to work because she wont admit that what she is doing is wrong. I dont want to resort to arguing with her because i dont want to fall out with her. I think that for now, il have to just try and put it to the back of my mind and politely correct ppl who ask about her business when it happens again. thamks for the suggestions x

 

[sj1973]

iv decided not to refer to the business as mine because as you said, 2 wrongs dont make a right and it would mean im as childish as she is being. Iv tried to confront her about it again today but each time i mentioned it she turned nasty, as tho she wanted to argue, which then created an atmosphere in the salon which obviously isnt good for the clients etc. I really dont know where im going to go with this now, trying to be an adult and just talk things through isnt going to work because she wont admit that what she is doing is wrong. I dont want to resort to arguing with her because i dont want to fall out with her. I think that for now, il have to just try and put it to the back of my mind and politely correct ppl who ask about her business when it happens again. thamks for the suggestions x

well huni,i for one think your being very grown up about this....your being sensiable and hopefully your sis will start doing the same.xxxwell done xx

 

[Trinity]

iv decided not to refer to the business as mine because as you said, 2 wrongs dont make a right and it would mean im as childish as she is being. Iv tried to confront her about it again today but each time i mentioned it she turned nasty, as tho she wanted to argue, which then created an atmosphere in the salon which obviously isnt good for the clients etc. I really dont know where im going to go with this now, trying to be an adult and just talk things through isnt going to work because she wont admit that what she is doing is wrong. I dont want to resort to arguing with her because i dont want to fall out with her. I think that for now, il have to just try and put it to the back of my mind and politely correct ppl who ask about her business when it happens again. thamks for the suggestions x

well done for staying calm and realising there is a time and place for that kind of conversation - that show's maturity :hug:

Be aware that you are going to have to have the conversation at some point as it will just fester. If left too long one of you will explode and things will go beyond help, it would be better to sort it out sooner rather than later, but that most certainly has to be done when you are ready and in the right place mentally to handle her.

Maybe next time, pick a time when she's not distracted with clients, find a neutral place to do it, a coffee shop for instance where she can't scream and shout without making a fool of herself, and go slowly. Remember Geegs wise words........you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

:hug:

 

[gemini_beauty]

Its me im back again, im at my wits end with my sister now, she has taken up a new method of claiming the business, she now refers to it as gemini hairdressers, not gemini hair and beauty! aarrgghh! no matter how much i ask her to stop doing these silly, petty little things, she just keeps on going and getting worse, i am now considering going getting a job to avoid any major fall outs and keep our sisterly relationship before we end up being worst enemies! its stressful enough being self employed without her doing this, im just waiting, one day i might turn up for work to a newly signed shop, i think she likes taking the micky! sorry for the rant but i needed to get this off my chest before i explode! x

 

[beautyseeker]

Have you tried getting a family member to mediate. Perhaps if someone else pointed out to her that she is being childish and is upsetting you then maybe she will try to change her ways.

My pal has'nt spoken to her older sister for 5 years, even at her fathers funeral, and I know it hurts her very much.

Maybe she is trying to hint in a not so subtle way that she does not want to share the business with you anymore rather than comming out and saying it to your face, she is hoping you will give up and leave?? Resentment can cause such damage to a relationship and it does sound to me as if she resents having to share with you.

I hope you manage to sort things out hun, but as my pal said you cant choose your family and there is no law that says you have to get on or even like each other.

Trish :hug:

 

[Kim Lawless]

You need to stay behind after closing and thrash this out. Tell her it's making you feel inferior and also it gives a bad impression to clients if you don't show a united front.

 

[soriminah]

I'd tell her that since she is always referring to it as her hairdressing salon, that you're going to open your own beauty salon elsewhere if she doesn't start referring to it in the correct manner.

Or the other thing is to say if she wants to refer to it as her's, then she takes full responsibility for paying all the bills and if you work there, she pays you as an employee or commission based - but tell her she takes responsibilty for all fees for running the place - rent, elec, phone etc considering she classes it as hers.

See what she says.

 

[gemini_beauty]

Maybe she is trying to hint in a not so subtle way that she does not want to share the business with you anymore rather than comming out and saying it to your face, she is hoping you will give up and leave?? Resentment can cause such damage to a relationship and it does sound to me as if she resents having to share with you.

I can see what you mean by saying this but on numerous occasions i have actually packed up my things and been ready to go and she has literally begged me to stay so i cant make out why she is acting the way she is. If she wanted me there then she wouldnt do the things she is doing but on the other hand, when i do want to leave she doesnt want me to go. I really dont know what to do for the best. thanks for your help. x

 

[hippy-chick]

it really is an unbelievable situation and I'm shocked that it is still going on quite frankly.

You pay half the bills? Half the responsibility? do all the staff and clients know that you half own the business?

I think I would start looking elsewhere, and tell her that you are seriously considering moving on as she wants the place to herself. If she does the 'please do not leave' act, then say that now is the time and place for groundrules to be set and you want them in writing. If possible, have someone else there to take down the 'minutes' someone that you both like. Have that 3rd person write everything down and all 3 of you sign it.

 

[gemini_beauty]

I have decided that i am going to look for another job elsewhere, maybe in a few years time i will set up somewhere else but for now i think i will just be an employee, I have stressed to my sister on numerous occasions that im not happy with what she is doing, she is fine for about a week and then she starts again. I really dont know why she is being the way she is. Its also on a personal level now aswell instead of just in the salon. I got engaged on christmas day and when i told her she didnt congratulate me or anyhting she just said 'oh rite'.
Thanks for all your opinions and help that i have recieved, i think i would have cracked up otherwise. Il let you know when iv left etc!
thanks x x x

 

[Angelaznailz]

Congratulations to you and your man.
Best of luck in both your personal and professional life.
:hug:

 

[soriminah]

Congrats on getting engaged. I think you're doing the right thing looking for somewhere else to work. You don't want to get to the stage where you and her never talk again because it's got out of control.

BTW, I'd say she's jealous of you. Maybe calling the business hers is her way of trying to look more important to clients, friends and family and herself - that the business is directly linked to her self esteem - 'I own a business, how fabulous am I'. Sort of like showing the world that she is doing really well in her life. Especially after the way she reacted to your engagement - that's definatley and jealousy\resentment reaction.

 

[Kelpie]

I cringed when I saw this and initially left it but have decided to come back and give you my thoughts.

I have seen this happen before and the outcome is never pretty. Largely, many assumptions are made and little loose ends fray and end up being huge problems, especially with family or friends.

My sister and i opened a hair and beauty salon in august 2006, she does the hair, i do the beauty, it is in a rented property and we pay all the bills 50/50 so therefore it is equal ownership as far as i am concerned.

Well that doesn't make it legal ownership I'm afraid. Do you two have a partnership agreement? Who signed the lease? Who goes guarantor for supply? Who owns the actual business - ie intellectual property, equipment, client database etc?

However, my sis constantly refers to the salon being hers and being just a hairdressers. This drives me mad, as silly as it may sound,

It's not silly. Your sister is openly declaring ownership and this is a reasonable concern. In business, there is no silliness when it means you could be pushed out of what you feel you have rightfully earned. Again, it's not selfish or childish to want to be acknowledged as partner in a going concern, particularly if you put in a lot of work and money into it. Unfortunately, for a lot of us playing with family often means playing nice and when it's time to play business then suddenly you're a rotten sod. Thing is, you've got to ask yourself this question: am I prepared to fight for what's mine? If so, be prepared to stand up for yourself and put certain things into action in order to protect yourself.

I have pulled my sister up about it on numerous occassions but she still continues to do it, im at my witts end and dont know what to do, any ideas?

Yes. If you're serious about this, get yourself a solicitor, preferably one who deals with small businesses. One who will draw up an agreement, set some guidelines and clear up any discrepancies or concerns that you two are facing. Contrary to popular belief, solicitors aren't always there for argy bargy nor do they have to cost the earth but to ensure that things are sorted and run smoothly within the law that protects you both. (This includes the fact that should you wish to leave the business that you do so without leaving any liabilities behind you). You can deflect the cost of this by putting it down as a legitimate legal expense.

Good luck. I don't envy your situation but you know what, if you've put in some hard yakka then don't give up, okay?