Children born to unmarried mothers ?

[nailsbydesign]

Well I became pregnant and the father split up from me and I brought my daughter up single handedly and I dont regret a second I love my daughter and am quite happy...she is 3 now and I definately made the right decision to go ahead with having my daughter alone.

I was the same as you, I became pregnant (not planned) and the father walked out on me as he said he didnt want children and I was NOT going to agree to an abortion. I brought my son up on my own without handouts from the state and I married my present husband when my son was 2.5 yrs old. I have had another 2 sons since then and the funny thing is all 3 resemble each other and people do not realise that my husband is not my eldest sons father. My son did not suffer from having a lone parent and is a very well adjusted, balanced and dependable adult now.

 

[*JOANNE*]

its a totally natural feeling for a woman to want children its biology and what we where made to do. in this day and age though a woman does not have to settle for an unloving marriage and a woman does not have to be treated like a second class person a woman has a choice wheither to have a child in marriage or have a child to bring up alone. we as woman have far more choices and as long as that child will be loved then in 99% of cases they will be.
there are marriages and children and the fathers sit on their backsides claiming allsorts and there are single mothers doing the same the difference is these single mothers arent sat on their backsides.with reguards to woman becoming baby machines purely to recieve housing and other benefits then surely these girls have had a crap start in life themselves so to solve this surely their parents have not provided these girls with loving stable homes...there is allways a reason why these girls feel the need to produce children for money and a home.....so it all comes down to overall help for parents for it to have a nock on affect for their children to become good parents and their children to have been brought up in a loving home no matter how many parents....tackle the issue at one end and then it hopefully helps to solve an issue at the other end.....parents need help no matter which end of the scale they are from in turn this helps their own children to become better people with a better outlook on life and hopefully the thought of having a child wont be done to solve that persons personal problems.

 

[cantrelax]

I am not married and have a two year old little boy.

Before I met my partner I was an avid church go'er and felt that sex before marriage and indeed children was a no, no. However sweet temptation took over and now I have my little bundle of joy.

In my opinion I feel that marriage and children go hand in hand. I would love to get married, belong to someone officially before God but a-las, my other half doesn't believe in "all that stuff"!!

I really don't think it makes much of a difference unless you are relgious, otherwise as long as the children are loved and are in a a stable enviroment I don't see why it would be a problem.

So many time I have seen people get married soley because of a pregnacy. Which can sometimes lead to so much heart ache in the long run...

 

[Deb379]

Hi

I had both my kids before we married, they are 12 and 13 now, and we got married 10 years ago, and only got married because I thought it would give them security, but I don't think it makes any difference at all.

What's marriage anyway, just means if there's any aggro you take 50% responsibility!

Did they have marriage in the stone age, or is it just some sort of social guilt thing?

Deb379

 

[holliejayne]

I was brought up in a good family, my parents were married before they had me and my sisters, and they've always worked and have tried to give me a good example.

But i got pregnant at 16, Ive now got my little'un, and im what some would call 'sponging off the state', but I dont have any other choice. Im really ashamed to be on benefits and i hate being so poor, and im working my arse off with college, and being a full time single mum at the same time, with no support from her dad, so I can get a job, its what I want more than anything.

But would i have changed the situation and got married to keiras dad? hell no. It was right for me to have my daughter, but it wasnt right in anyway for us to get married. being married just isnt necessary these days. its so 'normal' for people to have kids without being married, its not as if keira will feel left out amongst other kids when she's older.

This is not meant as a direct comment to anyone, but just in general, you cant judge someone just cos they're on benefits and have a baby, I get stereotyped all the time, people think you have a baby just so you can get a flat, and that you sit around all day doing nothing, and that you never want to work, but this couldnt be further away from the truth, i cant wait to get out and work, but its very complicated and difficult to do, cos of childcare etc.

 

[dee]

me and dave arnt married, and i dont think it makes a difference, and my life was loads better once my dad had left so i dont think being a single parent is a bad thing (infact i think it is very hard especially with work and stuff )
i have always wondered why people think marraige is a cast iron thing that makes you perfect as a couple , (some of my married friends seem this way :lol: ) i arnt against marraige by any means but dont think it makes you a better parent , jmo, xxx

 

[*JOANNE*]

i dont think the critisism is for people who find them selves in situations of bringing children up on their own and finding themselves having to recieve goverment benefits (heck i was in that situation 5 years ago) i think the general critisism is for girls who "purposely" get pregnant to recieve benefits and homes....and i presume this is in the total minority.

 

[Bud]

i dont think the critisism is for people who find them selves in situations of bringing children up on their own and finding themselves having to recieve goverment benefits (heck i was in that situation 5 years ago) i think the general critisism is for girls who "purposely" get pregnant to recieve benefits and homes....and i presume this is in the total minority.

What about if someone were to get pregnant, knowing they would have to depend on benefits. But not because they saw having the child as an 'easy' way of getting money / housing, but because they wanted to have a child... and financially couldn't support themselves any other way?

I don't know what I think to be honest. Obviously everyone has a 'right' to reproduce(!) but if we lived in a socie tywhere the benefit system just didnt exist, then we COULDN'T have those children.

 

[yogacat]

I don't believe in marriage, so i expect when i decide to have children i will not be married.

It takes more than a piece of paper for a strong relationship - i have been with my partner now for 8 years.

There is nothing wrong with having children without marriage. There is only something wrong with deliberately chosing to have a child in circumstances that could hurt the child, or not taking reasonable precautions against "accidents" when there would be a big problem if a pregnancy occured.

 

[jac extreme]

:grr: :grr:

What about if someone were to get pregnant, knowing they would have to depend on benefits. But not because they saw having the child as an 'easy' way of getting money / housing, but because they wanted to have a child... and financially couldn't support themselves any other way?

Then they shouldnt have children, most people have to work to afford a nice home and to be able to raise, clothe, feed and educate thier children. why should we the tax payers pay to bring up someone elses child for them:grr:

 

[Bud]

:grr: :grr:

Then they shouldnt have children, most people have to work to afford a nice home and to be able to raise, clothe, feed and educate thier children. why should we the tax payers pay to bring up someone elses child for them:grr:

i'm not sure if you're 'knocking you're head against a brick wall' because of what i said?? like i put in my post... i'm not sure what i think... and that although everyone has a RIGHT to have children, not everyone could afford to if the benefit system didn't exist, so it shouldn't be taken for granted.

On the other hand - the FACT is the benefit system DOES exist. And how many people with children (even when they are working) do NOT claim ANY benefit that they are entitled to? What I am trying to say is, that most people are genuinely trying to do their best, for themselvs and their families, and this involves taking help where it is available. In that respect every tax-payer pays for every person that takes any form of financial benefit provided by the government - that's what taxes are for!

all i'm saying is... it's not always black and white, yes there are people who genuinely 'milk' the system - but their are others who might not be in an ideal situation but are still entitled to take the benefits that have been put in place to help them out.

Not sure if I'm supposed to be taking offence to your post hun... hope not?!

 

[MINKUS]

:grr: :grr:

Then they shouldnt have children, most people have to work to afford a nice home and to be able to raise, clothe, feed and educate thier children. why should we the tax payers pay to bring up someone elses child for them:grr:

SORRY TO OFFEND.....but i'm on the same wavelength here.

I have experience of 'family' that dont work....not my side of the family i may add........social pays....house rent....milk tokens....and weekly income/benfits...blah blah....i bet we're talking a good few ££ a week....thers is NO REASON why they cant work...its just that they get so many hand outs they are better off not going to work.

I waited till i had the nice home, money in the bank....and then decided to have kids BUT HEY THATS ME.

This is getting dodgy ground now, but my opinion is MY OPINION !



ambx

 

[Bud]

SORRY TO OFFEND.....but i'm on the same wavelength here.

I have experience of 'family' that dont work....not my side of the family i may add........social pays....house rent....milk tokens....and weekly income/benfits...blah blah....i bet we're talking a good few ££ a week....thers is NO REASON why they cant work...its just that they get so many hand outs they are better off not going to work.

I waited till i had the nice home, money in the bank....and then decided to have kids BUT HEY THATS ME.

This is getting dodgy ground now, but my opinion is MY OPINION !



ambx

i DO agree Amber! ... I'm kinda playin devil's advocate i suppose - I know i would never personally want to rely of state benefits to bring my family up.

I refused to sign-on (for jobseekers allowance) years ago when I moved to london and was out of work - as I just didn't want to sign-on... i WANTED to WORK! And i still do and always will - it brings so much in terms of self-esteem to support yourself - that I would never intentionally put myself in a situation where I couldn't do that.

I suppose I just wondered how other people see a situation that just isn't black and white??

 

[* Helen *]

I totally agree with all that been said.
The debate said that 49% of kids are born out of wedlock and they asked the public their views one old women said "I think its digusting these women keep having kids and then getting council houses and handouts" But in my opinion thats not the 49% thats probably about 2%.

Not where I live, its more like 45% out of 49% who have handouts!! It seems like a accessory now to have kids under 16!!

I dont think that having kids out of wedlock should be a problem as long as they are loved and cared for as previously said before!

 

[jac extreme]

Not sure if I'm supposed to be taking offence to your post hun... hope not?!

no your not supposed to take offence, but i won t take offence if you deicde to :lol: i realsed you where putting the other side, its not you, its the people that do it:irked:

 

[VHunter]

Just watching the daytime news and they are having a debate about children born out of wedlock.
What are your opinions on this should kids be born to lone and unmarried mothers ????

As long as the mothers are good mothers.. why can't they be single parents raising a child?

I was born to a 2 parent family... and abused for that kind of luck.
Had my mom been a single mom, I probably would have led a healthy, happy and unabused childhood.

That said: who is anyone to judge whether a single woman should be a mother or not?
I dont think anyone has that right and nor should they have.

jmho

 

[Bud]

no your not supposed to take offence, but i won t take offence if you deicde to :lol: i realsed you where putting the other side, its not you, its the people that do it:irked:

phew! thank god for that!

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Before I met my partner I was an avid church go'er and felt that sex before marriage and indeed children was a no, no. However sweet temptation took over and now I have my little bundle of joy.

In my opinion I feel that marriage and children go hand in hand. I would love to get married, belong to someone officially before God but a-las, my other half doesn't believe in "all that stuff"!!

Boy, we are in the same exact situation. I too was an avid church-goer (trying to get back to it) I was celibate for 10+ years, I started a couple of years after my first son was born, because I honestly wanted to save myself for my husband, didn't want to fornicate...but, as you said that temptation got the better of me and now I have my baby (who will be 5 months Friday). I love both of my children, and would honestly beat someone upside the head for telling me that because I'm a single woman I should not have had children or I may not be a good mother. Unfortunately, a lot of us fall into situations were we have to raise out children alone, and some women decide up front to go it alone and that's okay too.

My b/f doesn't buy the marriage thing either he feels "it's a big step" which is most definately true, but if you are going to live together and play house, why not make it legal, why should it change the way you feel about one another??

I had my tubes blocked after I had my recent baby, because I can't do the pregnancy thing again, I can't afford anymore and I don't want to begin bringing a whole lot of babies into a situation where I can't give the full extent of the love I have to give, and the fact that I was able to make that decision to me, proves how good of a parent I am single or otherwise...

 

[beautynails]

I was brought up in a good family, my parents were married before they had me and my sisters, and they've always worked and have tried to give me a good example.

But i got pregnant at 16, Ive now got my little'un, and im what some would call 'sponging off the state', but I dont have any other choice. Im really ashamed to be on benefits and i hate being so poor, and im working my arse off with college, and being a full time single mum at the same time, with no support from her dad, so I can get a job, its what I want more than anything.

But would i have changed the situation and got married to keiras dad? hell no. It was right for me to have my daughter, but it wasnt right in anyway for us to get married. being married just isnt necessary these days. its so 'normal' for people to have kids without being married, its not as if keira will feel left out amongst other kids when she's older.

This is not meant as a direct comment to anyone, but just in general, you cant judge someone just cos they're on benefits and have a baby, I get stereotyped all the time, people think you have a baby just so you can get a flat, and that you sit around all day doing nothing, and that you never want to work, but this couldnt be further away from the truth, i cant wait to get out and work, but its very complicated and difficult to do, cos of childcare etc.

I felt the need to respond to this as I was in the same situation.
I had my daughter a month before I turned 17, had no skills, & no support from anyone. I struggled to make something of myself & raise a child who had all the benifits of the conventional family.
I surronded myself with true friends who become my family, & have been made part of their families.
I trained as a nail tech & did my beauty therapy diploma.
I now do work that I love .
My daughter has just turned 12 & has started year 7 & is in the highest classes, is very involved in sport ( soccer, hockey & athletics), is well behaved & responible. I think she's a fantastic role model & couldn't be prouder. People are always amazed to meet me as her mother, I think they assume that a young mum can't do as good of a job raising a child, but my daughter is living proof that you can.
It's so easy to judge other people, but until you've walked in their shoes how can anyone judge.

 

[Ms.Matrix]

I was brought up in a good family, my parents were married before they had me and my sisters, and they've always worked and have tried to give me a good example.

But i got pregnant at 16, Ive now got my little'un, and im what some would call 'sponging off the state', but I dont have any other choice. Im really ashamed to be on benefits and i hate being so poor, and im working my arse off with college, and being a full time single mum at the same time, with no support from her dad, so I can get a job, its what I want more than anything.

But would i have changed the situation and got married to keiras dad? hell no. It was right for me to have my daughter, but it wasnt right in anyway for us to get married. being married just isnt necessary these days. its so 'normal' for people to have kids without being married, its not as if keira will feel left out amongst other kids when she's older.

This is not meant as a direct comment to anyone, but just in general, you cant judge someone just cos they're on benefits and have a baby, I get stereotyped all the time, people think you have a baby just so you can get a flat, and that you sit around all day doing nothing, and that you never want to work, but this couldnt be further away from the truth, i cant wait to get out and work, but its very complicated and difficult to do, cos of childcare etc.

Gee, I didn't see this earlier, we are somewhat in the same situation as well, I too am recieving benefits from the state, as I have little other choice, I am waiting for my disability benefits to begin, and cannot hold down a normal 9 to 5 job. I have tried everything from trying to open my own Business Support Services business to nails. I've gone to college, I have education (Some people stereotype single mothers on assistance as being good for nothing layabouts) Before I had to stop working my field was Executive Administrative Assitant, and God how I miss it, I miss working so much, I enjoyed it.

As you said situations are complicated and you can't paint everybody with the same brush, it's not always black and white there are many shades of gray.

I wanted to marry my oldest son's dad, but I thank God I did not, he later went through drug addictions, etc. He is married now and has gotten himself together, but if we had gotten married then, I would have gone through hell.