Coping with step children?

[LindaH73]

When i first met my hubby he was trying to get access to see his little girl. He did get access but his ex-girlfriend and her family made things extremelly difficult for him and after a few visits with her (many years ago) he now no longer sees her, funnily enough this upsets me more than him. We have two beautiful children together and some where out there, there is a young woman (now 16) who may or may not be interested in her Dad. We knew that his ex was involved in drugs and there was domestic violence going on in the house and i really wanted to intervene and get her to live with us but my hubby had been told she wasn't his and he was never certain so in the end we left the whole situation alone.

I regret this situation and wish there was something more we could have done but at the end of the day she wasn't my child so i could not intervene but i will always wonder about her and hope that maybe she will find us one day the problem being we now live 300 miles away.

I can't understand why you would be jealous of his children, at the time when i met my hubby i was only 19 and i welcomed his daughter with open arms but then i have always loved children. You sound very young to me, have you never wanted children yourself? I wouldn't be moving in with him until you have gotten to know the children as if you cannot handle the relationship between them and him then you shouldn't be with him as you should never make him chose between you and his children that his far to selfish.

I hope that you can get over these feelings as children can bring so much pleasure to your life.

 

[crystals]

it can be difficult with step children, i have 5 of them. i do not look forward to them coming. we have them every other week, friday evening till sunday night. but thats only because they shout and swear at there dad, theyv'e no manners at all, and use my house like a dos hole. but hey not all kids are the same.also i get on fine with there mum, and we do discuse the kids behaviour.

but hey your boyfreind sounds like a nice guy, meet the children, see how you get on with them. give your self and them a chance. xx

 

[Cameo Val]

I think Sals answer on this thread was brilliant. you need to really read this over and over again, so that you dont make a mistake like this and end up making 2 little kids very very unhappy and effect the whole of their future lives. I really hope you can overcome your feelings. Kids are so wonderful and you could end up really loving them, and in return being loved back. you may not only gain a husband,but some loving kids too along the way.

 

[MINKUS]

can i just offer my experience....


I have two nephews who i adore....treat them as my own always have always will ( i never thought i would have kids of my own but have been blessed with minxybelle)

anyways my brother recently re married ....the lady in question has no kids or desire to have any kids..not particularly maternal....big 'situations going on there' with my nephews

Unfortunately ......Since then their mother has died......

if you love your partner your will accept his kids........if i had a new partner and he didnt get on with my daughter OR was threatened in ANWAY BY HER sorry but it would be .....take the high road mate.

Your an adult....they are babies (kids) get over it !

Ambx

 

[scattyfox]

My step daughters were absolute horrors when i go together with their dad (6 of them and made my life hell at times) but i read your post earlier and one of them came round and showed it to her. She was flabbergasted, she said she was glad that i didn't have that attitude with them. We sat down and talked and I told her sometimes i was jealous of them and the attention they received but that was my insecurity and not their problem.. Thankfully they never realized that and I never made any demands on my husband.

how can you ask someone to choose between their kids and yourself it just isn't possible.. children do not ask to come into this world, they come in because we love each other and want to show that love by having children together, because a relationship has not worked out doesn't mean to say that the kids should suffer.

There may come a day when you want children with this man and then you could end up kicking yourself. you can still have your honeymoon lifestyle when the children are not there and in the meanwhile why not treat them as younger brother or sisters, get to know each child and try to spend some time with each of them .

Children will soon know if you are pretending and i am sure you wouldn't want to intentionally hurt them but imagine if it was you in their shoes.

Whatever you do I am sure you will make the right decision for what is right for you and your extended family or you wouldn't have been on here asking for our advice.

 

[Nailsinlondon1]

Speaking as a Mum that got divorced and remarried a fab guy with no children..
My Kids where much older 14 and 18 at the time and this could have brought with it other problems......
As in is this guy good enough for my Mum aso.....will she still love us or is this new man taking over and will we bepushed aside ???.........
But Richard being himself just took everything on day at a time.......
Yes he got disheartend at times because my kids are my kids and they are part of me and my past....He never tried to be their dad, they already have one and a good one at that......Ex was just a lousy hubby lol..... He became their friend and over the years has gained their trust and their respect.......
To be honest if he had said to me Kids or me i would have choosen my children...... but he never did, because he knows that my love for him is solid, I love him very much and that my heart is big enough to love them all........HE NEVER FELT HE HAD TO COMPETE.......because there is no competition, I love them it is just a different kind of love.........So my advise is, take a deep breath, his children are his and thats part of the deal... get involved, this is not a contest for whom he loves more...... he loves you all but give him a chance to be a fab partner to you and a fab dad to his Kids................
Just my tuppence on this
hope you get it all sorted xxx

 

[Jeni Giles]

I am one of those step children, who was blessed on both occasions by wonderful step parents. My father remarried when I was about 8 and his new wife made the transition into the family as easy as possible, she expected the same things from me as she would her own children (she still does) and she treated me equally, including punishment when needed; when they first married I will admit I was a monster?!? and pushed her to the limits trying to have all my father's attention to myself. I only saw him every other weekend, and I felt that the time should be exclusively mine, she lived with him and had him to herself and their child every waking minute I wasn't there. This is where I am fortunate, she was patient and realized that I needed this attention from my father and that while I needed to behave, it was the only time we had. She put her feelings aside and allowed me the time to maintain the relationship with my father, and as a benefit, I also came to trust and love her. She is not my mother, and will never replace my mother, but I respect her and my children consider her to be their grandmother, and hold her in their hearts the same way. If she hadn't been patient or understanding I wouldn't have a relationship with my father, and I wouldn't even know my younger brother. It isn't easy being a step parent and the kids will most likely push you to the limit of your patience. Usually the parent in this situation requires the children to at least respect and be kind to the new partner given that the partner shows the same respect and kindness to the children.

Now for my Step Father, he's really my DAD, as he's the one who dragged me home after being out past curfew in a place I probably shouldn't have been, he had to give me a lesson on feminine hygeine products because my mother was out of town for my first cycle (now if that isn't embarrasing I don't know what is, to have your step dad take you to buy "girl stuff":o ) he's the one I had "check out" the boyfriend now husband, he was there when my children were born, he takes me hunting, fishing, atv riding and he is one of my closest friends. If I have a problem I can always go to him for help, advice or just a hug. He's picked up the pieces after I've had an accident or when my kids had to have surgery.

If my mother hadn't remarried, and he hadn't accepted that she came with a child, I wouldn't have this wonderful influence in my life and my children's life.

Maybe you will make the same difference in the lives of your boyfriend's children, maybe instead of feeling threatened, they will help your relationship grow and mature. You won't replace their mother, but you may provide a needed shoulder when they are confused, upset or just need a friend.

Meet the kids and see, maybe they will be just what you need!!!

 

[Lily]

Hiya#Sal your reply was fab!!!!


I adore my step daughters as they do me, i have never seen them as his ex's kids or his kids, they are part of our family, we have them every weekend fri till sun and i couldnt bare it if i didnt see them!!!

They talk to me, have a laugh with me and they are extremley well behaved and have good manners even more so when they are with us, infact they both wanna come live with us.......

Amanda

 

[july]

Sal, I didn't mean it to sound that you were harsh with me, actually going over my post it does sound like that. I was in a hurry when I posted it, I was in lunchtime and somebody was sitting next to me, trying to read what I was writting, so I quickly posted it.
What I meant is that you, Sal, had a bad experience and I'm sorry about that. This thread opened a whole new view for me on this subject, I never thought how would the kidds feel about me being jealous or how I could traumatise them for life if i'm being horrible.
After reading all these posts I am more determined than ever to try to be more patient and to accept that 1 day per week that he is theirs. It won't be easy, one of the posts here mentioned the fact that she, as a child, felt that every minute spent with her dad was hers and thied to make the most it. Only reading it, I had an empty spot in my stomach, it's probably the child in me saying "He's mine, all mine".
I don;t have any children and not sure if I want one. I am 34 yo, went through a termination at 25 weeks (brain anomalies at the 20 week scan) and I felt quite traumatised by the experience. The girls are 4 and 7.
I a going to reply to those who pm'ed me.
Many thnaks, you wouldn't believe what a difference you made!!!!!

 

[aep155]

I'm glad you've been able to think this through, btw those are the ages of kev's 2 girls when i met him. It has been a pain at times but i just needed some patience and understanding - i would never ever have asked him to have been any different as i knew it was my problem. I think they love me a bit - not as a mum or anything and i love them now in my own way but not ever having been maternal that prolly has caused most of my problems. Like i said you will learn to be ok with it and i'm glad you're giving it a go - it saves you regretting anything in the future. If it really doesn't work you can change your mind later but i'm sure you won't. Now we've decided to try for our own lil one initially i was getting myself in a bit of a state because it will all be new to me and all the excitement, decorating, lil tiny clothes etc but he has been there and done it and won't be bothered but kev has been supportive of my feelings too and explained how it would all be different because he'll be doing it all with me this time and although it won't be his first child it will be in a way because it's with me. So he's made feel a bit special! Tactful communication works!!

Good luck and hugs to get you going

 

[Billie]

I think you are going to be all right love


One could of got huffy and this posting could have gone pearshaped but instead you have took on board what people have written and that to me smacks of maturity I wish you well with your relationship

Billie xx

 

[Sal]

Sal, I didn't mean it to sound that you were harsh with me, actually going over my post it does sound like that. I was in a hurry when I posted it, I was in lunchtime and somebody was sitting next to me, trying to read what I was writting, so I quickly posted it.
What I meant is that you, Sal, had a bad experience and I'm sorry about that. This thread opened a whole new view for me on this subject, I never thought how would the kidds feel about me being jealous or how I could traumatise them for life if i'm being horrible.
After reading all these posts I am more determined than ever to try to be more patient and to accept that 1 day per week that he is theirs. It won't be easy, one of the posts here mentioned the fact that she, as a child, felt that every minute spent with her dad was hers and thied to make the most it. Only reading it, I had an empty spot in my stomach, it's probably the child in me saying "He's mine, all mine".
I don;t have any children and not sure if I want one. I am 34 yo, went through a termination at 25 weeks (brain anomalies at the 20 week scan) and I felt quite traumatised by the experience. The girls are 4 and 7.
I a going to reply to those who pm'ed me.
Many thnaks, you wouldn't believe what a difference you made!!!!!

Reading this made me feel really happy and relieved as it was so worth telling you my story and the other geeks posting theirs.

You were brave to come on here and post your feelings and I'm really glad you got something out of the replies.

Good luck with your future xxx

 

[scattyfox]

I think you are going to be all right love


One could of got huffy and this posting could have gone pearshaped but instead you have took on board what people have written and that to me smacks of maturity I wish you well with your relationship

Billie xx

Very well said
x

 

[Alex Fox]

I would echo this sentiment.

I have been reduced to tears reading this thread.

Many people grow up with family heartache - little children wondering why they are caught in the crossfire - and ending up with serious issues as adults.

I won't give my personal experience - but suffice to say - much pain, sadness, councilling and the love of a wonderful man have moved me to pastures new and a place where I can be a mother - a loving one.

Please do not ever put any issues onto a child. That's all I would plead. If you feel you cannot help your behaviour - you need to readdress your situation.

As seen here - you can damage another's life so easily by not behaving in a considerate manner.

We all do it from time to time - hurt someone's feelings without even knowing it. But when we know there's a chance we might do that - we should think carefully before pursuing the goal.

The pain a child feels when adults are selfish can remain with them for life.

When you enter this type of relationship the child's feelings must be considered.

Good luck - Meet the children and you never know...

Alexxxxxxxxx

A difficult one for me to control my reactions to your post July.

My situation is as follows:

My parents divorced when I was about 6. My mum remarried and my stepfather became as much as a father to me as a real dad would be.

My dad remarried to a lady who I still refer to as "the witch". The witch got on just fine with my sister and brother - my sister lived with friends, my brother with my dad and the witch and me with my mum and stepdad.

From day one, when I was about 9, I got bad vibes from the witch. I used to go to dads every weekend and was never made to feel comfortable by her - I even had to ask to watch tv in my own dads house. She gave me filthy looks all the time, would never speak to me if we were on our own together and put me down at every opportunity.

Now maybe I could understand this treatment a little if I was a naughty child or difficult with her but as everyone has told me, I wasn't. I was soon asked to just go every fortnight and then one weekend she admitted she just didn't like me. She has 4 daughters of her own so it's not like she was jealous of me having my dads attention - 2 of her daughters lived with her and my dad!

I had to sit there that weekend and hear her say (exact words) "I'm not interested" when my dad tried to talk to her. Previously the subject had been brought up but my dad dismissed it saying she did like me - he admitted she didn't and it was a problem. My brother backed me up telling my dad that he noticed the way she treated me and so did various family friends.

As a result I only see my dad when he came up north (they live in the south), 3 - 4 times per year. I have never been to their house.

Everytime the situation is mentioned I am reduced to tears.

Even before it came to a head, me, my brother and sister weren't invited to our oldest step sisters wedding - how much of a snub is that??????

When it was my 21st birthday party things had settled down and me and my mum (who had behaved impeccably, not confronted my stepmother but was in bits as it spoilt my relationship with my dad - mum told me that I was "the apple of my dads eye" as I was the baby. I'm 10 and 12 years younger than my brother and sister) thought things may possibly change so we invited the witch along with my dad. As they arrived that night I kissed her on the cheek and said it was lovely to see her. All she did was a tittery laugh and didn't even say Happy Birthday to me. She made no effort all night - one of my friends boyfriends asked me afterwards "who was the lady who sat in the corner all night with the face like a slapped arse?".

Following that, I wasn't invited to her 60th party even though my brother and sister were. They didn't go cos they thought it was disgusting that shed invited them but not me. I wouldnt have gone anyway but that just renewed in my mind how she feels about me.

That was about 4 years ago. I'm pleased to say that me and my dad have got closer again and I was even able to talk to him about it last year - I told him how my counsellor confirmed that it was one of the reasons for my anxiety (which I suffer badly from) and my worry of how people perceive me and if they like me or not. Dad told me that it really hurts him.

So, 20 years later (I'm now 28) I am sitting here with a growing resentment and a strong desire to really have it out with her one day and tell her how she made me feel - still crying over it and feeling completely horrendous about it and hating her for it.

SHE RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD. :irked:

The sad thing is, I know that stepparents can actually be as good as real parents due to my stepfathers - my first one very sadly died of cancer 12 years ago but I'm very pleased to say that my mum remarried in March this year and I am very close to my new family on her side.

The moral of this tale - PLEASE PLEASE try to treat your partners children as you would want to be treated. Obviously I don't know how it feels to have to take on someone elses children but all I beg of you is that you try to treat these children well and don't leave them with a resentment of you and a bad relationship with their dad.

Sorry this is so long but this has affected my life so much and I hate hearing about others in the same situation. :cry:

Sally.

 

[kittenclaws]

i have my own 3 children and 2 step children and my hubby loves and accepts my kids as his, i wouldnt be with him if he didnt as the kids are a part of me, im a big believer in accept me accept my kids,

his kids come and stay every other week, he takes them out to the movies etc in the week aswell, they also get a holiday with him each year, i think its great as its like haveing a nuclear familly,
there have been problems, the "trout" has fed her kids so much bull to try and make it difficult for paul when he seas his kids but they know how much he loves them

i wouldnt be with him if i couldnt accept his kids, yes there are times when they drive me nuts but im sure he thinks the same about mine

if you really have these feeling about the kids i think you should asses the relationship as he needs someone whom can understand as the kids need to feel loved and relaxed, maybe you should try taking the kids out on your own to try to get to know them and build a realtionship from it,
hope this helps and things work out for you, sorry ive babbled on, i hope you understand what i mean

kids are very very precious and you need to learn how to accept them, in return you will get all the love in the world

 

[crystals]

this has been very interesting. i have 5 step children, and 5 of my own 4 of them are here this weekend,9 kids in the house. ooooooooooh it can be so difficult some times, mainly them but some times me. i think i can be a little to hard on them. they didint ask to be thrown in to these situations, so after every thing ive read on here i think i need to step of them a little and try a LOT harder.x :o

 

[aep155]

I have to be honest as i know people have had some awful experiences from the posts here that what i have posted here previously is the only time i have ever ever let my feelings out - i don't treat my hubby's two girls as my own children as i don't have any and am not particularly maternal but i would NEVER treat them any different to any other person/child i know and care about. They say they love me i say it back and we all get on well enough. Just inside i don't have the real love that parents/family have for each other as they are not my own. They have a mum and a dad so i see myself as a friend of the family. I couldn't imagine what children go through when their parents break up but just to be around i hope i can support them as they grow up.

Like i said i haven't told my hubby about the problems i had at the beginning as it was down to me to resolve them - he just wanted to be a dad so... although we let these inner feelings out to strangers and people not involved it is not necessarily how we are on the outside.

I have found this post really useful for me if only to write down in words how i felt but for me I have a happy compromise to an unsettled beginning and a good life so far.....

Thanks to all of you as this is a very difficult topic to talk about for some more than others.

xxxx

 

[Alex Fox]

I would just like to add that my eyes have been opened more than ever before to just how valuable this site is.

I am stunned and moved at the the fact that people have opened their hearts and beared their souls on this thread for advice and to find some peace.

This is an amazing community - a lot of love, honesty and sincerity has been shown and shared.

This thread has made me love this industry even more than I did beforehand.

If nothing else it proves there are many wonderful, kind people in this world that just want to do the best they can for themselves and their fellow human being.

The Nail Geek site rules OK!

love alexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sal]

I would just like to add that my eyes have been opened more than ever before to just how valuable this site is.

I am stunned and moved at the the fact that people have opened their hearts and beared their souls on this thread for advice and to find some peace.

This is an amazing community - a lot of love, honesty and sincerity has been shown and shared.

This thread has made me love this industry even more than I did beforehand.

If nothing else it proves there are many wonderful, kind people in this world that just want to do the best they can for themselves and their fellow human being.

The Nail Geek site rules OK!

love alexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Couldn't have put it better as to how I have felt during this threads progression. It has really moved me to know that it is worth opening up to offer very difficult personal experiences in order to offer advice and a different viewpoint so that a geek can have the advice they bravely admitted they need xxxx

 

[Mrs Geek]

Hi, guys! I've been seeing this guy for about 8 mths now, I've completely fell for him and he is crazy about me. This sounds wonderfull, doesn't it? We've decided to move in together, but...why is it always a "but"?? Anyway, he's been married before and has 2 young children. when we move in together he wants us to have the children for a couple of days per week. This is where my problem comes. i haven't met the children, but I am very teritorial and jealous, I am worried of how I'll be with them and if I'll be able to cope with them, I don;t see them as his children, but his ex's kidds. i told him how I feel, I wanted to break up with him because of it, but he cried and said he can't believe it we ruining the chances of our lives because of this, he's flexible in working around them, he's even said we'l only have them one day per week and he'll go to his mum with the kidds another evening to spend time.



I really appreicate your thoughts on this. How did/do you cope if you are in a similar situation? Is it really that difficult? Thanks July

sorry July - but YOU have to understand that he is Dad! I can't believe anyone would be so selfish as to put a loving father in a 'me or them' situation... you say 'It sounds selfish, but why wouldn't I be? If I don;t look after myself, who else will?' You won't have anybody look after you ever unless you learn to bend for the person you supposedly love!

If GMG had you attitude when he met me, we never would have gotten married but he embraced Haydn as his own and now my oldest son calls him Dad - give the kids a chance - you may fall in love with them and vica versa!:smack: