Help Needed!!!!

[Ms.Matrix]

Hey guys!!
I need to vent and whine to someone, and you guys drew the short straw...
As you know I'm pregnant and I have been in this on and off again nonsense with my boyfriend...ex-boyfriend...boyfriend...the guy that got me knocked up. We once again decided to try it again...er...I decided I would take him back, anyhoo, I want to get married and have always wanted to get married, I never wanted to just be a 'baby momma' or a long-term girlfriend, I want to be a wife. I want to share my life with someone, build a life with someone, all that good old fashioned stuff.

I told him the other day that if this wasn't going to lead to marriage we don't need to be together, because we are wasting one anothers time...he asked me if I was ready for marriage and I said yes, he said he's not ready and he feels that I am "rushing" him...RUSHING??? RUSHING??? :irked: We have had so many good times and tender moments together and I truly love him, we have been together for a year and a couple of months, we have a baby on the way, we been playing house all this time why not make things legal? I have taken on the role of wife for him, when he was not working (like now) I'M the one that makes sure he has ciggerettes and whatever else his little heart desires, I'm the one that gets tackled on the bed whenever he's feeling randy, I'm the one that takes care of his business, keeps track of his important paperwork, writes down or memorizes his friends and family members phone numbers, because he can't keep track of 'em. I used to hand wash his unmentionables:Scared: when we didn't have laundry money!! I have gone damn near to the ends of the earth for this man...but he feels I'M RUSHING HIM!!!!!!! I'm so ding dang angry I just don't know what to do. We've been through me telling him "leave me alone, this ain't working" he still comes back. I dang near tried to kill him a couple weeks ago, tried to throw the apartment building at him and he STILL comes back...I've told him I hated him, couldn't stand the sight of him...and he still comes back....I don't understand, either he really loves me, doesn't understand english or he's a glutton for punishment. It's apparent he has no intentions of every being out of my life...especially now since he has a son on the way.

WHAT DO I DO GUYS???????? HELP!!

Just wanted to make a small correction...I don't want to make it seem like I do all the work and he does nothing in return because in all actuality I haven't done much of anything since I've gotten pregnant, he does a lot for me, we do a lot for each other...that's why I just don't understand why we just don't go ahead and get married.

 

[Nailsinlondon1]

Oh babe I feel for you.......it must be so frustrating for you.....
Well you can try asking him why he is so shy of making a real manly commitment to you ??? When a guy says he aint ready, that usualy means he is scared witless.....
Tell him he has already made the biggest commitment there ever could be, he is gonna be a daddy........... anything else after that is just plain sailing xxxx Well I say plain sailing but there might be a rough sea from time to time, but hey he will either have his strong sea legs ready or chuck up over the side on the raft of love........either way he is in it for the long haul xxxx

Good luck babe xxx

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Oh babe I feel for you.......it must be so frustrating for you.....
Well you can try asking him why he is so shy of making a real manly commitment to you ??? When a guy says he aint ready, that usualy means he is scared witless.....
Tell him he has already made the biggest commitment there ever could be, he is gonna be a daddy........... anything else after that is just plain sailing xxxx Well I say plain sailing but there might be a rough sea from time to time, but hey he will either have his strong sea legs ready or chuck up over the side on the raft of love........either way he is in it for the long haul xxxx

Good luck babe xxx

Ruth, I asked him if he was scared of commitment, he said "no" (like he would actually tell me) I asked if he didn't like the thought of being with just one woman for the rest of his life, he said that don't bother him...he's told me before he wants to be with me for eternity...Eternity to me means marriage...or am I reading too much into this?

I'm sooooo confused!!!

 

[Rose143]

Hi Ms Matrix,

You sound really pressured hun, I know this is gonna seem weird coming from me (a little younger than you), but I have had my fair share of men not wanting to get married. I will give you my honest opinion though!

I know you look after him and you do it so well, this is what most men are afraid of, they think you will stop doing all that when the ring is on your finger and to be honest most women either do or they do more. Either way what's in it for him??? Be careful of men who keep coming back because of how you care for them, you're not his mother, he's got one, you're his girlfriend. Stop doing so much for him and see if he truly wants you for who you are. Tell him to do his own dirty laundry and start giving him stuff to do, "husband stuff" (cooking, cleaning, ironing his own clothes). If he can handle this without a complaint you know he's in the relationship for you and himself!!! Also, see if he considers you before himself, does he check on you to see if you are okay? These are signs of a man wanting only your happiness. To be honest this is what you've been doing for him the time you've been together, only thinking of him right??

And to be honest hun, talking about marriage after being together just over a year is quite soon for most couples. I started talking marriage after a year and a half and my one went crazy, today, 4 years later we can comfortably agree that we are meant for each other and we will get married when we think the time is right. So now, he feels like he can propose to me whenever and he knows I'll say yes. Today, he is the one asking me to look at different ring designs.

Don't be in a hurry sweetheart, love is patience!! One thing you need to come to terms with, what if he's not the one. Not all men make great fathers, and besides, if he is not ready for something like marriage is he ever gonna be ready for a baby?? It's a little life, not someones dream, he needs to realise this as well.

I trained my man from day one!! I said to him, "Okay this is how it works, I am useless at housework, but I'll do it anyway, I hate ironing, so we do our own, I don't mind doing the washing but I will not go around looking for dirty stuff, it's called a laundry basket! I cook well but if you want gourmet meals, feel free you know where the kitchen is. Dishes, don't believe in doing them, that's your job, I'll gladly do everything else!!!!" He agreed and answered "that's not why I'm with you" He knows I am not his mother and he loves me for all "I don't wanna do." (me)

My point is ask yourself truthfully if this man is actually for you, is all your happiness worth sacrificing for someone you think is worth all this effort???

Hope I have helped a little, I do really feel for you hun, hope things work out for the best :hug: :hug: :hug:

All my love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Kim Lawless]

Hey guys!!

I have taken on the role of wife for him, when he was not working (like now) I'M the one that makes sure he has ciggerettes and whatever else his little heart desires, I'm the one that takes care of his business, keeps track of his important paperwork, writes down or memorizes his friends and family members phone numbers, because he can't keep track of 'em. I used to hand wash his unmentionables:Scared: when we didn't have laundry money!! I have gone damn near to the ends of the earth for this man...!

You say you have taken on the role of wife for him.......................well it sounds to me that you have taken on the role of MOTHER. Now don't get me wrong. All of the above it fine when it's reciprocated but from what I read, it isn't. Are you afraid that he will go for good if you stop pandering to his every need?

You've told us what you do you for him. Tell us 5 things that he does for you. Keep it clean :biggrin:

 

[welshrarebit]

Hi Ms

HHHHmmmmm this is a real toughie!

Its obvious he really loves you and wants to be with you, or he wouldnt keep coming back to you, would he!

Dont forget at the moment your hormones are all over the place and you are wanted to get things sorted out in readiness for your baby coming into the world. You want everything signed sealed and delivered before the baby is here. Maybe not married by then but at least the promise of marriage!

But some men dont see that by having a piece of paper and a gold ring on their finger is anymore of a commitment than the way you and your boyfriend are now. You both act like you are married (I presume) thats how it sounds from what you have said, and maybe to him that is good enough for the time being.

Instead of shouting and bawling at him etc, sit down and talk about how you are feeling. If you are feeling insecure with the way your relationship is - then tell him! Men need it spelling out to them in plain english. They dont understand when we have shouting fits, they just think its our hormones and we are going off on one and in a few hours we will have calmed down and be "back to normal"

Perhaps he is feeling presured into getting married - a year and a bit isnt that long - ok so you have a baby on the way, but he is showing his commitment by staying with you - and coming back for more punishment! lol

The key is open and honest and calm communication between the 2 of you. You need to listen to him and he needs to listen to you. You will both have ideas of your own and you both need to hear each other out. Then go from there with a decision.

Good Luck

Love

Debbie xxx

Hey guys!!
I need to vent and whine to someone, and you guys drew the short straw...
As you know I'm pregnant and I have been in this on and off again nonsense with my boyfriend...ex-boyfriend...boyfriend...the guy that got me knocked up. We once again decided to try it again...er...I decided I would take him back, anyhoo, I want to get married and have always wanted to get married, I never wanted to just be a 'baby momma' or a long-term girlfriend, I want to be a wife. I want to share my life with someone, build a life with someone, all that good old fashioned stuff.

I told him the other day that if this wasn't going to lead to marriage we don't need to be together, because we are wasting one anothers time...he asked me if I was ready for marriage and I said yes, he said he's not ready and he feels that I am "rushing" him...RUSHING??? RUSHING??? :irked: We have had so many good times and tender moments together and I truly love him, we have been together for a year and a couple of months, we have a baby on the way, we been playing house all this time why not make things legal? I have taken on the role of wife for him, when he was not working (like now) I'M the one that makes sure he has ciggerettes and whatever else his little heart desires, I'm the one that gets tackled on the bed whenever he's feeling randy, I'm the one that takes care of his business, keeps track of his important paperwork, writes down or memorizes his friends and family members phone numbers, because he can't keep track of 'em. I used to hand wash his unmentionables:Scared: when we didn't have laundry money!! I have gone damn near to the ends of the earth for this man...but he feels I'M RUSHING HIM!!!!!!! I'm so ding dang angry I just don't know what to do. We've been through me telling him "leave me alone, this ain't working" he still comes back. I dang near tried to kill him a couple weeks ago, tried to throw the apartment building at him and he STILL comes back...I've told him I hated him, couldn't stand the sight of him...and he still comes back....I don't understand, either he really loves me, doesn't understand english or he's a glutton for punishment. It's apparent he has no intentions of every being out of my life...especially now since he has a son on the way.

WHAT DO I DO GUYS???????? HELP!!

 

[Bagpuss]

Hiya.....no wonder you are confussed.....

If i had someone do all that for me then i would go back all the time....i am not saying that he doesn't love you cos only he knows that but i think you do too much for him.

You are gonna have enough on your plate with the new baby without running around for a grown man. He should be doing this for you.....

I think you may just have to wait a bit longer...maybe when the baby is born he will see things different...kids sometimes do that to people...then he may want to marry. If i was you i would just enjoy each other as much as possible ..... then enjoy the baby.....then raise the subject of marrage later on when things have settled down again.

If he wants to marry then he will....but wouldn't you want him to do it when the time is right rather than cos he feels you are pushing him into it....i ain't saying you are but he obviously feels that way.

I have been with rob for 13 years... we have 3 daughters and we ain't married....just never really got round to it and now i don't dare...in case it jinxes things....we never row and love each other to bits...what if we marry and it all changes. don't wanna take the risk. So what i mean is....it is possible to be a proper family unit without getting married....in your heart you will be as good as.

sorry not much help...xxxx

 

[Ms.Matrix]

You say you have taken on the role of wife for him.......................well it sounds to me that you have taken on the role of MOTHER. Now don't get me wrong. All of the above it fine when it's reciprocated but from what I read, it isn't. Are you afraid that he will go for good if you stop pandering to his every need?

You've told us what you do you for him. Tell us 5 things that he does for you. Keep it clean :biggrin:

He does a lot for me...

1. He cleans the house when I don't feel well.
2. When I had to go through emergency, he had breakfast done when I got back (and he is not the best cook).
3. He does call and check on me when he's not here, asks me if I've eaten, etc.
4. He runs ALL my errands for me, (going to the store, getting money orders mailing letters, before I got pregnant he even went and brought my Always).
5. The past few times the wash needed to be done he went to the laundry and did loads and loads of clothes, so I wouldn't have to.
6. Basically anything I need him to do or ask him to do on a whim he'll do it.

So we actually pander to one another's needs...I don't want to make it seem like he doesn't do anything, cause he does quite a bit too.

 

[lulu8749]

No wonder you are confused he is saying one thing but doing another. I think you should stick out for what you really want and if he really loves you and knows that it is important to you then he will let you be his wife and marry you. However, I also want to say that maybe now is not is good time to be making huge decisions - when I was pregnant my emotions where everywhere and it wasn't until a couple of months after my babies where born that I could really start to think straight. I hope this helps you. Good Luck and let me know.

 

[Kim Lawless]

He does a lot for me...

1. He cleans the house when I don't feel well.
2. When I had to go through emergency, he had breakfast done when I got back (and he is not the best cook).
3. He does call and check on me when he's not here, asks me if I've eaten, etc.
4. He runs ALL my errands for me, (going to the store, getting money orders mailing letters, before I got pregnant he even went and brought my Always).
5. The past few times the wash needed to be done he went to the laundry and did loads and loads of clothes, so I wouldn't have to.
6. Basically anything I need him to do or ask him to do on a whim he'll do it.

So we actually pander to one another's needs...I don't want to make it seem like he doesn't do anything, cause he does quite a bit too.

So stop moaning then Look, if it's not broken then don't try to fix it. Maybe if you didn't mention marriage, he would. Why not give it a try? He might just surprise you. xxx :hug:

 

[*Glynis*]

Men.... can't live with them, can't live without them Beats me why someone would think having a baby is less of a commitment than marriage, but then I'm not a man!!

Perhaps you should just enjoy the pregnancy together and hope that once he sets his eyes on your new little boy he will realise that he needs to make a commitment to Mum too.

As others have said, don't forget about your bouncing hormones at the moment.

Enjoy your pregnancy, you are very special.

Love and hugs

 

[Sassy Hassy]

Hi Yolanda, wow have you had some fabbo advice. If marriage isn't for him, then can I ask why it is such an important issue for you? Did you have these feelings before you were pregnant, or is it that you don't want your sweetcakes born out of wedlock?

Your PITA was so scared when you got pregnant and mucked you about, but he's back and taking care of you. Now, maybe he will have that marriage idea rattling round in his head and come to terms with that too and surprise you out of the blue!!

The thing I learned with my ex is that I had to make any idea I had seem like it was his idea in the first place, oh the macho stuff that men are made of! He knows that you want to get married so he's not worried about you saying no, now he has to want it too, maybe when he sees that chunky chap when he's born he'll make the commitment thing.

But like Angie says, it's not the end of the world when you're not married, it's a piece of paper after all, it won't keep you together, love and commitment will.

I'd marry you hun, just for your Tweetie Pie collection alone!! MWAH MWAH xx

 

[secret rainbow]

Im going to throw a spanner in the works! I didnt want to get married. I had made a committment to my partner by allowing him into my home and life and having his child what did he want a piece of paper for? This piece of paper is such a big thing that can cause so much trouble. I ve been married before and vowed never again. I didnt want things to change between us.That piece of paper seems to change so many people. I was happy as things were but he wasnt as youre not. I gave in and we were married last year in cyprus as i thought getting married abroard wouldnt seem like getting married if that makes sense? There wasnt the pressure or hassle the vows were not like over here they were more about the love you had for eachother than the committment. We had a great time and the weather was fantastic. I t hasnt changed anything except my partner got what he wanted and i got 2 holidays in the sun last year! Maybe your partner is scared of things changing like i was. Dont make any rash decisions until after youve had the baby and you are back to yourself.

 

[Billie]

Hi there


I think everyone has given some good advise there and suggested you wait until the baby is born.

I have done both
I have lived with someone and had a baby
and I have married and had a baby
In my limited experience the more you suggest something ( Ie Marriage) the more they back away.

I would suggest leaving it and maybe just maybe he will surprise you after all wouldnt you like it more spontaneous?

Billie xx

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Hi Yolanda, wow have you had some fabbo advice. If marriage isn't for him, then can I ask why it is such an important issue for you?

I'd marry you hun, just for your Tweetie Pie collection alone!! MWAH MWAH xx

I've always wanted to be married...always, and yes maybe more so now that little Marlon is on the way. When we first met about a month into things it was HIM telling ME we were going to get married and move to either New York or Alabama...now oddly enough he doesn't remember any of that,:irked: I asked him if it was something he was saying just to make sure he "got" me, he then promptly changes the subject. Now mind you we've been to hell and back in the year we've been together and we are still together and I know some don't think that marriage is important, but it is to me, I guess because I was raised in church and my grandad was a preacher. I always wanted somebody to commit to me and I to them. I'm good enough to sleep with, knock up and all that jazz why aren't I good enough for him to give me his name?? Maybe I should just stop pressuring him and let nature take it's course...

Sass, and all this time I thought you loved me for me:cry: ...hands off my tweety's!!!!!!

 

[Kellyc]

I've always wanted to be married...always, and yes maybe more so now that little Marlon is on the way. When we first met about a month into things it was HIM telling ME we were going to get married and move to either New York or Alabama...now oddly enough he doesn't remember any of that,:irked: I asked him if it was something he was saying just to make sure he "got" me, he then promptly changes the subject. Now mind you we've been to hell and back in the year we've been together and we are still together and I know some don't think that marriage is important, but it is to me, I guess because I was raised in church and my grandad was a preacher. I always wanted somebody to commit to me and I to them. I'm good enough to sleep with, knock up and all that jazz why aren't I good enough for him to give me his name?? Maybe I should just stop pressuring him and let nature take it's course...

Sass, and all this time I thought you loved me for me:cry: ...hands off my tweety's!!!!!!

Hi ya, im no one to give advice on relationships as me and my partner have recently split up and id do anything to get him back, but maybe trying not to pressure him will make him see it in his own way, i know that one of the reasons me and my partner have split up is because apparently i pressured him into moving in together, just wish he had kept bouncing back like your man, mine was obviously more of a wimp lol x x x x x

 

[Sassy Hassy]

one of my clients had this book it was called something like how to find a man and keep him. Basically it came down to playing hard to get, men love a challenge ie if he asks you out you say sorry you're busy (but don't tell him what with) - drives them crazy apparently!

Alternatively you could get him on Oprah and propose to him - he couldn't say no in front of all those peeps!! Hunny I so hope it all comes good for you and your wishes come true. Huggles x

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Hi ya, im no one to give advice on relationships as me and my partner have recently split up and id do anything to get him back, but maybe trying not to pressure him will make him see it in his own way, i know that one of the reasons me and my partner have split up is because apparently i pressured him into moving in together, just wish he had kept bouncing back like your man, mine was obviously more of a wimp lol x x x x x

Girl the bouncing back and forth is worse than anything...trust me, alot of times I wished that my guy would just leave and leave me alone, it seemed like it would make things sooooo much easier. Don't you worry, things will work out for you...just give it some time.

(Guess I need to take my own advice huh?)

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Alternatively you could get him on Oprah and propose to him - he couldn't say no in front of all those peeps!! Hunny I so hope it all comes good for you and your wishes come true. Huggles x

Yeah he'd say yes, but it would take him about 10 years to actually do it!! Anyway he's telling me next year we'll get married...why don't I believe him???

 

[Kim Lawless]

one of my clients had this book it was called something like how to find a man and keep him. Basically it came down to playing hard to get, men love a challenge ie if he asks you out you say sorry you're busy (but don't tell him what with) - drives them crazy apparently!

I tried that with a guy I'd split up with and it worked, but only until he got me back again...........................then he went back to his old ways. Oh, what to do for the best eh !