Ready to kick my 19 year old son out of the house

[littlemissm]

I have 5 children at home ranging from 19 down to 5. My son being the oldest is causing a lot of arguments & unhappiness in the home. He is lazy & does nothing but lay in bed all day. He got kicked out of college in April & has done nothing since. I have made him join agencies looking for work but nothing has came up. A month ago he started getting JSA & both times he has had to sign on he has been late. On Tuesday he was supposed to be there at 10:40. I did tell him to get up when I left the house at 9 but I left my phone at home so couldn't ring him to check he got up. Well at 12 my husband rang where I was & said he was still in bed when I got back at 1pm he was still there. I went through the roof with him telling me to get out & basically to go away & stop moaning. He left the house to sign on at 3pm. It has caused arguments as he is so rude & disrespectful & just thinks that we are all getting on at him I am at my wits end. I have told him to leave or booed by my rules. He does more or less what he wants so doesn't have a hard life. All I want is respect & for him to get his arse out of bed each day & do something with himself even if he was to help around the house.

 

[Lynne Baker]

He is of an age where he should be self reliant.
I think you should indeed kick him out and let him work out that he needs to work for a living.
The longer you allow him to stay the longer he will continue to be an ar$e, and any future wife will berate you for enabling his appalling behaviour!

 

[Steph86]

Aww I think it is just a phase, I certainly did it... I did work part time, & was at college but any chance I got I was out late with friends & lying in (when I wasn't at college) I most certainly did have an attitude to boot too. I did move out at 18, but it went on for 2 years being 16-18. 'Treating the house as a hotel' etc. Im not proud but I drove my mum up the wall without realising I was to blame. I didn't know how easy I had it looking back.

It wont help him having no money coming in, he probably cant go & do the things he wants to, so vicious circle starts of 'whats the point' of getting up/ready etc.

Of course, you can sit him down & explain its stressful for you working all hours, running a home, being a wife & mother when he is more than capable of helping you. How about insisting he does things if he isnt working & continues to live under your roof? (Im sure you've tried this all ready) but be firm or he goes out in to the world on his own. I think he would be back in a week 😜.

Guys tend to leave home much later, although I did struggle when I left home... 9 years later im still independant. I was a stubborn little so & so. Haha.

I totally see it more from your point of view now Ive had my own house, & tidied up after my partner & my dog!

Interesting fact I learnt about teenagers, a part of their brain hasn't fully developed, because of this, they feel they are right about everything. Explains a lot!

Xx

 

[littlemissm]

He has left. Packed a bag & says he is staying at his girlfriends the night. But he doesn't know what he will do after that.

 

[Steph86]

He has left. Packed a bag & says he is staying at his girlfriends the night. But he doesn't know what he will do after that.

Id imagine stay there a night or two then on to a friends & repeat until everyone is sick of him... And he cant lie in all day, go to the fridge eat what he likes, go the toilet in peace & he will be back home apologising before you know it.

Xx

 

[virtues2011]

I feel your pain.....I understand exactly what you are going through!... I think my daughter had to much to young along with independence at an early age due to my continually working and traveling. She has no worries about anything at all... she has everything handed to her on a plate, job, money, driving lessons, holidays, clothes etc etc. I'm sure this is my fault I only ever wanted to give her a good life...and it hurts when they treat you with no respect whatsoever and I really believe she couldn't care less. It must be a general attitude of teenagers these days....that's what makes me feel better anyway!

 

[gillian w]

I think it will be a phase and make sure you keep all communication open its not like you don't love him but can't accept his behavior and why should you.
Have you thought he may be depressed.Its a tough time as they are seeing ex school mates getting jobs,getting on and they know they need to grow up and be responsible for themselves I think its quite frightening and depressing especially as they are being bombarded with the message that the future is bleak for them whatever.
At least you know where he is and that he is safe.

 

[littlemissm]

I told him he could stay if he obeyed the rules. He has had it to easy & all I ask is for him to show respect & get out of bed. He had the cheek to say that he bets I was the same to which I pointed out that I moved out of home at 15 & I had had 2 kids by 19 one of them being him. He thinks that he is right about everything & he doesn't care about what we are all saying to him. His father has said he is to go to Manchester to live with him. His father having a strict Caribbean upbringing would not stand for any of his nonsense. My son says he is going find a hostel or something.

 

[littlemissm]

I think it will be a phase and make sure you keep all communication open its not like you don't love him but can't accept his behavior and why should you.
Have you thought he may be depressed.Its a tough time as they are seeing ex school mates getting jobs,getting on and they know they need to grow up and be responsible for themselves I think its quite frightening and depressing especially as they are being bombarded with the message that the future is bleak for them whatever.
At least you know where he is and that he is safe.

Yes I think you are right in the respect that he is seeing his friends with jobs ect but he isn't even trying. He had a job interview a month ago for a toy shop & because he didn't get the job he says that he won't get any job. I told him to go back to college & learn a trade but he says he doesn't want to do anything.. I'm at my wits end

 

[evie168]

I'm certainly in no position to comment as I don't have children but while studying child development ages ago I remember someone explaining teenagers to me in a way I thought made some sense. He said they're like cats, brain development occurs during sleep and so that's why they sleep a lot.

I think it must be hard to be a teenager these days with the world growing so fast and so much expectations thrown on you from the minute you are born. Plus the ever frustrating concoction of emotions running through your body that you can't explain. Hormones are tiring and can certainly wear you out. Teenagers just want to be understood but that's hard when they're still learning about themselves.

In no way am I saying what your son is doing is right because it seems he doesn't understand what commitments means. How is he going to finance himself if he continues to live away from home? Perhaps that might teach him about responsibilities if he's solely relying on his work income? Remember to keep the communications open. Im site he'll soon realise just how fortunate he is.

 

[Martin Duffy]

I think it must be hard to be a teenager these days with the world growing so fast and so much expectations thrown on you from the minute you are born.

I think teenagers have had it relatively easy for a couple of generations. At that age in the past people were expected to be adults and act as responsible adults, oftentimes being forced out to work full time at a very early age. That's not even to mention the horrors endured by 18+ year olds with conscription during the world wars.

I think they've had it even easier since the child work laws. Even I worked from the age of 13, and before that I helped my mum in her afternoon cleaning job and did piece-work of an evening, the money I earnt being taken by mum for 'house-keeping'!

 

[hazeleyes]

He'll be back! Both my brother and step brother did this. My parents allowed it to go on for far too long! In the end my dad nearly got into physical fisticuffs with my brother and He was asked to leave at 22 and they ended up paying his deposit on his flat just to get rid of him! The step brother reached 22 worked at McDonald's part time only and spent most of his time high as a kite in his flea pit of a bedroom! they bought a plane ticket to Australia to live with his dad in the end! Problem solved!!!

I have two sons and I most certainly will not have them slobbing about at home treating it like a hotel with lack of motivation or meaning when they reach that age- although I'm preparing for it!!!! Typical men!!

 

[ch-ela]

Gillian has it spot on there. It is really hard, but remember it's hard for everyone. I remember being exasperated at my son when he was that age, I felt he had so many chances that he didn't appreciate, and lost a very promising apprenticeship. He didn't want to toe the line at home with me so he moved in with his father, hoping for an easier life. His father then showed him the door and I didn't really know where he was for months. Couch surfing they call it.

Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that he did eventually get his life on track, and has a super job, his own place, has paid off his debts and enjoying life. He is 23.

I think the bulk of the upbringing, like teaching children values and respect, is done before the age of ten, so if they do tend to veer off that path for a while as teenagers, it does come back to them later and these are things that they can rely on. So can you.

Stay in touch as best you can, and always let him know that it is not HIM that you don't like, but his behaviour. I think he will know that you love him, no matter what.

Best wishes!

p.s I am immensely proud of my son now. I wish this for you too.

 

[MrsHBeauty]

My son is 9 and the most wonderful little boy ever, I am going to be devastated when he turns into a teenager and starts grunting and being smelly and disrespectful.

I'm more worried about my 2 girls though ......


Jemima

 

[Kim Lawless]

She has no worries about anything at all... she has everything handed to her on a plate, job, money, driving lessons, holidays, clothes etc etc.

I've given my daughter all that too and I've brought her up single handed with no financial support but she adores and respects me and is grateful for every single thing I do for her. Just luck of the draw I guess.

 

[HelenT59]

Comin from a child protection profession I have to say that being a teen in this day,is pretty rough.yes they have many more perks than lots had before but they have a hell of lot more to contend with too which many of us adults will never have hD to come across,but obviously each case is v different,so I am not relating this to your son directly.
Here's hoping he will realise what he has taken for granted at home now that he is out on his own and when he returns will have more respect.

 

[gillian w]

I don't know what the answer is.
I have been lucky too with my own but I can't really say it is because of this and because of that.I never really knew whether we were always doing the right thing parental wise.I think I just parented the way I was by my parents.I often hear myself saying and doing exactly the things my own mum and dad did.

The one thing is that eventually they do have to make their own decisions and mistakes and you can't always help or change them they are now young adults and hopefully everything will come together.I expect there are many on here that run their parents ragged but are now settled,happy hard working people.

 

[Elaine Armani]

Hi missy,
I have a brother like this, it's just a phase trust me!!
Every teenager goes through this at some stage and eventually they will wake up themselves and will realise.
Don't give him any money and he will realise one day and will get a job.
As for him living away isn't that abit worrying?
I'd be scared to let my son stay somewhere else without money.
Sorry I'm by no means judging your parenting at all! But it is a tad worrying.
But I do understand that this will motivate him to get up.
I don't have any kids but this is just from personal experience, he will grow up dont worry.
Good luck

 

[littlemissm]

Hi missy,
I have a brother like this, it's just a phase trust me!!
Every teenager goes through this at some stage and eventually they will wake up themselves and will realise.
Don't give him any money and he will realise one day and will get a job.
As for him living away isn't that abit worrying?
I'd be scared to let my son stay somewhere else without money.
Sorry I'm by no means judging your parenting at all! But it is a tad worrying.
But I do understand that this will motivate him to get up.
I don't have any kids but this is just from personal experience, he will grow up dont worry.
Good luck

I know he is fine as I know where he is. I have kept in contact. My son has been very spoilt all his life I think this May be part of the problem. He has a lot more than a lot of kids I know & I have stopped giving him money but he just sells his x box games & stuff. I have allowed him to have girlfriends stay over, come & go as he pleases ect all I'm asking is for respect & for him to get out of bed in the day & motivate himself. That shouldn't even be a rule he should do it anyway. He talks to me like I'm dirt. Swears at me & just has no respect. Hopefully he will see his errors & buck up his ideas but I have 4 other children at home who are seeing his behaviour & are starting to follow suit . I am not going to allow him to drag my other children down I have to draw the line somewhere. Sleeps all day & is up all night smoking this isn't the life I want for my kids.

 

[Diamondgirl]

I absolutely feel for you I really do....I had the same situation with my son at 21......I have tried to give him everything (possibly my downfall) always bailing him out etc....I separated from his dad and know he had terrible anger problems as a teenager because of this....I met someone new and moved house and I let his girlfriend stay over until she eventually moved in....no rent or anything paid by either of them ...treated the house like a hotel never tidying up after themselves....he used to swear at me and talk to me like s*it just for saying hello to him....he always acted like he had the world on his shoulders and it caused so much tension in the house for me and my partner and my younger daughter ....till finally I cracked and said they had to go....I cried and cried when he went but he's been living with his girlfriend for a year now and for the first time in 22 years he has actually grown up a bit and started to appreciate the value of things....he knows I will always be there for him I'm his mum but I couldn't take any more and our relationship is so much better ...we still clash and always will but I don't have the stress ....with him it wasn't a phase unless I did what I thought was right and had to be the one to make the decision I'd be having the same conversation as you now as I don't think things would change ...and in reality at this age they are quite capable of fending for themselves and in honesty I wish id been harder sooner as in the long run it doesn't help to give them everything as they have no appreciation for the real world but we do it as mums!!......all I can say is you have other people in the household to think about too including yourself and sometimes we have to be cruel to bad kind....he'll thank you in the end ...I'm still waiting for my thanks lol but I know I'll get it one day...x