Childcare - damaging in later life? Long one!

[CadenceAlex]

I have a neighbour who lives around the back of our block of cottages. She is 28, on benefits and has a 9 year old girl. She works cleaning a pub and gets cash in hand.

She causes murders for all the neighbours by doing sly things.. trampled on one guys allotments, rings the police to report trivia and shouts at anyone who dares tell her that her alarm has been going off all day.. etc. she is just a spiteful girl.

She said to me, why are you having twins? (She is big time jealous that I have a baby as she wants one so bad, she and her 9 year old often talk about how 'mummy can have a baby'). I said that I didn't ask for twins, and was quite shocked at her comment. She said to me, but you don't look after the one you've got. I explained that I work and Cadence is in childcare - which she knows. She said I may aswell not have them because I wont look after them and asked me if it bothers me that my daughters childminder takes her to baby groups etc etc. She was quite nasty. She told me she is a 'full time mummy' and she was there with her daughter for everything and blah de blah de blah.

She was really insulting and in the end I said to her.

Well, we both work hard and save money for Cadence and I want Cadence to know that when she grows up, the right thing to do is have a job and not get pregnant and live on benefits all her life. I told her that her daughter has behavioural diffculties because she herself is entirely innapropriate with her conversation around her child and that she is ridiculous for calling herself a 'full time mum' when her child is in school all day. I asked her why doesn't she get a job whilst her daughter is in school. She said it wouldn't be worth it!!!!
Her child is like the adult. Her mum keeps her off school for any reason and shouts and bawls at her.

Now, don't get me wrong , I am not slagging single mothers off or those on benefits but this girl had me furious. She sits all around and does nothing for most of the week - what is so different between cleaning cash in hand and cleaning as a job??? If she can do that, she can get a proper job.

Is putting a baby in childcare damaging to them in later life? Has anyone experienced this with their own child, or know of anyone who believes this to be true?

 

[JoJoPearce]

This woman sound like a complete irresponsible mother. Not only is she setting a bad example to her child by behaving like she is, she could end up in prision by working and claiming benefits at the same time. It's people like this that give single mums a bad name and not all are like this, most struggle to raise their family by working hard like the rest of us.

I think you did well standing up to her. But dont let her stress you out as you have to think of yourself and family. She is only jealous.

With regards to childcare and does it damage kid later. I think that we make choices to suit our lifestyles at the time. You have choosen to leave your daughter with a childminder so you can carry on working and bring up your little girl to have the best you can give her. I dont think this is damaging. To be honest I think she has the best of both worlds. Being taken here there and everywhere with the childminder and also spending time with mum and dad as well. She must love it at the childminders or you would not leave her there.

I think the media puts to much extra stress on mums. If we are at home with our kids - they say we should be at work. If we are at work, then we should stay at home. All I know as a mum of 2, what ever choice you make you alway feel guilty about something. It's all part of being a mum. Your doing an excellent job and make a great mum.

If your neighbour lived near me I would just label her 'The Pikie' harsh i know but people like this, that think it's ok to sponge of us decent hard working folk really get up my nose.

 

[scattyfox]

My son's teacher at school commented that the chidlren who have been with nursery or childminders normally have better social skills than kids who have been at home all the time with mum as they a e used to mixing and sharing. obviously this doesnt apply to all mums at home as lots of them do things with their children. but have to say i think you said the right thing to her i wouldnt have been half as polite as you.

dont take any notice of her and just enjoy your pregnancy. have to say i couldnt be a stay at home mum i need adults around me for mind stimulation but that is me. Wishing you the best for the future.

 

[EllaX]

Is putting a baby in childcare damaging to them in later life? Has anyone experienced this with their own child, or know of anyone who believes this to be true?

No - my mum is a childminder and i think it is a good thing if parents want to go back to work to put your baby in childcare etc as it gives kids the opportunity to mix with other children and gain better social/people skills xx

 

[sahara]

I've been a single mum on benefits, and so i couldn't afford to put my eldest into childcare. But I'm not afraid of work and sitting round the house all day bores me to tears, and I've worked bloomin hard to get where I am now. When i got married and had my youngest I couldn't wait to get him into childcare part time so I could get out and mix with the grown ups, the thought of waiting for 5 years till he goes to school was too much. As already said I think we'll always feel guilty about something, but I really think that you have to do what you feel is right for you, because if you are happy, you're children pick up on your ggod vibes and they'll be happy too!

I'd ignore 'the pikie' and shop her for working!

 

[bubbabinks]

Just ignore her, I'm married with 2 kiddies but cant afford to go out to work because of childcare costs.
After having my first I went back to work part-time and put my daughter in a nursery we saw such huge developments in her and because of that we find the money for them both to go one day a week.
I get a rest, they socalise (SP?) and learn through this experience.
Being at home or going to nursery it doesnt really matter as long as when you are with them your a good parent, which she's not!

What a nightmare neighbour!

 

[Billie]

Hi there

I too have got two children aged 8 and 13

both have gone to a childminder and both have gone on to fulltime nurseries.

then whilst they were at school they were picked up by childminders until eventually they went to an afterschool club.

When they went to a childminder she had other children and they loved it
when they went to nursery when it came to me picking them up they never wanted to go home.

and I still have the same problem when I pick my son up from the sfterschool club. he hates it if i come home early to get him as he is playing all the time such as football or cricket.

I think i was at home all day then there is the tempation of tv or the internet or playstation more. come on I am human.

I have always worked fulltime and always felt guilty because of the pressure from other mums who I felt were always a tiny bit smug as they could afford to stay at home.

I have found my children are really sociable, will mix with anyone and very popular with their peers.

and above all they are confident and know that in the real world men and women work and have to get on with it in order to pay bills.

My daughter knows that to get a good job will enable to set her up for when she has her own family and not think that when you meet THE ONE that they will be dependant on them.

To be totally honest I havent had the chance to do anything other than work so I think I have brought my kids up to the best of my ability and not to be materialistic and above all courteous to others.

Billie x

 

[Good Skin Day]

As said lots of times above :up: ....Just ignore her! Or if she insists in being a trollop then report her!

I think nursery/childcare is a positive thing for kids. I was with my mum 24/7 from when I was born until I went to primary school. I went to nursery, but my mum was a helper there, so I was with her all day there too!

So, needless to say, when it came to leaving her for *shock* 6 hours a day, I turned into the most needy, pathetic child who used to make pretend sick (very advanced for a five year old....it looked totally real and I even knew to put vinegar in it!) and splatter it in the loos so I could go home to my mummy!

I don't have kids, but the one thing that scares me about having them is the lack of freedom. I don't know if I'll feel this way when I have actually have kids, but if I do, I'll be happy in the knowledge there's people like EllaX's mum to look after them while I regain my sanity!

 

[becki x]

My son was at a child minders for eighteen months , a few months back he said mummy i hate going there so i stopped sending him,my point is thah you know your own child better than anyone.If you know in your heart of hearts that she is happy,how can that possibly be damaging ?

Hth hun x

 

[Robyn]

I would not have justified her spriteful comments with an answer. If she ever makes any comments like that again I would politely tell her to mind her own business and explain that you do not get involved in her life or benefit fraud and you suggest she does not get involved in your life.

 

[nailsbydesign]

I would report her for benefit fraud if she is able to do cleaning for cash in hand then she should NOT be on bebefits at all, after all it is the tax payers amoungst us that are supporting people on benefits. I would get the number out of the phone book and shop her!! People like this really annoy me, as you can probably tell!!!!!:irked:

 

[Fingertips ND]

hun can't comment on the childminding coz i'm on my first as you know but your a obviously a fab mum and this witch is just jealous and immature.

Don't rise to it, hold your head high and ignore her.

 

[juju]

shes very jealous by the sound of it. I have 2 boys and I decided not to use childcare and to stop work although after a while decide to go back part time but having said that my mum in law [although im not married yet]only lives around the corner and she and dad in law are fab and have em for me not everyone is lucky enough to have this. my friend is a teacher and her son goes to a nursery she feels so guilty which she should'nt its a personal thing as for single moms they struggle and dads too my dad had 4 of us on his own the youngest 3yrs me eldest 9 and he worked and I hated being left with babysitters but a proper chldminder or nursery will be fine they are fab nowadays. where I live there's alot of girls like this just unintelligent slappers:hug:

 

[cantrelax]

I haven't read all the above comments but this is what I think...

She is talking about something she clearly knows nothing about and is setting one of the worst kind of examples for her child. She needs to focus on bettering herself rather that passing judgemt on other people.

My son is at nursery and has been since he was two. Now, I compare him to a lot of children his age ( he is going to be three in August) and he can count to 20, say his alphabet, use a laptop computor (efficiently), speak Spanish, write his name and much more. Amazing I know but it really is true! I think that a lot of the time (not all) that kiddies that attend day care etc really do quite well.

I'm sure that you daughter knows you love her dearly and that the time you do spend with her is the precious to both of you. xx

 

[1999judy]

I can see both sides of the argument. My 2 sons who are now 15 and 13 went to private day nurseries and childminders. When I had Rachel I was a stay at home mum. They are all fine but I had to do a bit more work with Rachel AS IN I was the one who had to take her to toddler groups etc. Needs must and you have to do what is best for your family, at the end of the day.
A lot of people make us feel guilty about being working mums but I really don't think it does the kids any harm at all, after all, they have to go to school at 4 years old so in a way, the kids who go to nursery etc are a little more prepared.
I'd ignore your neighbour and don't speak to her again if I were you.
Don't even lower yourself to her standards if they are that bad x

 

[marie111]

I too used to be a single parent on benefits, I tried to work but it too wasn't worth it, I was working over 30 hours a week for £15 a week extra.
I was widowed at age 24 and left with two toddlers and being on benefits wasn't a choice I made but had no option, there was no way I was going to continue working for £15.
I decided then to go to college and take as many courses as possible which has enabled me to be in the job I am in today.
My mother worked when me and my sister were little and we used to have to go to a childminder and I hated it, even now if I can I try and arrange my work so I am in when my son gets in from school even though he's 16 because I remember what it was like getting in from school to an empty house.
I think if you can get the balance right between spending time with your child and leavine some of the care to a childminder and the child is happy then it can work.
I don't think it is right when people have children and put them in nurserys from age 3 months for most of the day and pick them up only to put them to bed at night.

 

[jac extreme]

how awfull for you Marie, I am sure your children love you dearly and appreicate all you have done for them, you should be very proud of yourself:hug:

 

[1999judy]

I too used to be a single parent on benefits, I tried to work but it too wasn't worth it, I was working over 30 hours a week for £15 a week extra.
I was widowed at age 24 and left with two toddlers and being on benefits wasn't a choice I made but had no option, there was no way I was going to continue working for £15.
I decided then to go to college and take as many courses as possible which has enabled me to be in the job I am in today.
My mother worked when me and my sister were little and we used to have to go to a childminder and I hated it, even now if I can I try and arrange my work so I am in when my son gets in from school even though he's 16 because I remember what it was like getting in from school to an empty house.
I think if you can get the balance right between spending time with your child and leavine some of the care to a childminder and the child is happy then it can work.
I don't think it is right when people have children and put them in nurserys from age 3 months for most of the day and pick them up only to put them to bed at night.

:hug: to you hun x Yes I agree with the thing about dropping the kids early morning and picking them up to put to bed at night.
The one that amazes me is that some people do this and don't work.
I'm still in contact with my childminder from many years ago, she is actually one of my clients now. But maybe I was just really lucky to have her?

 

[juju]

you should be very proud of yourself marie:hug:

 

[fificharlie]

Well done Marie111 - your one hell of a woman! x

I do not agree at all with mothers putting their children into care at the earliest opportunity, when they are very very small. My mum stayed at home untill I was 2, hen she HAD to go back to work. Times were very hard, and she has told me that one day she had to go to a market and sell her books just to get money for food! - I was shocked!

I think if you put your child into care as soon as they are born, and 'leave' it up to a child minder to raise your children day and night, you shouldnt have had them in the first place. Simple as that. JMO though.