Lung Cancer,what would you do?

[smooth]

Some sad news, I found out my Dad has terminal lung cancer last week, he is forgetful and although I am a nurse I have the strongest pull from being his daughter. I had the chat with him at the weekend about the funeral and he knew there was no treatment option for him, it was awful. Today he asked if he could ring up his nurse or doctor and ask if he could have treatment at a local cancer hospital, I said "yes ring her tomorrow" as I didn't want to explain again that it was too advanced and they couldn't do anything.

What would you do? Do you think it is wrong to allow him to believe he could get treatment or do you think you should explain each time that he is terminal and will not get better? The nursey head says don't tell him over and over and the daughter head says the same (I think, although I cannot think to save my life at the moment).

Dad was discharged from hospital last year for throat cancer and we think that the lung growths were not picked up at all.

Thanks in advance for any advice xx

 

[kylieb]

Oh hun i'm so sorry to hear that. I was kind of in the same situation with my mum.
If you go along with it and say 'yes ok dad' will he remember and ask when his treatment will be? Or is he likely to forget?
I think you just have to go with your heart with this one hun. I wouldnt want to break his heart by telling him the truth every time. I would probably opt for not reminding him if it was me. Feel for you deeply. Stay strong. Big hugs xxx

 

[deanosnana]

My heart goes out to you, smooth. I lost my dad to lung and liver cancer 10 years ago.

It's a tough question. I think I would let him think treatment is a possibility. Maybe you can talk to his Dr. and see what he/she recommends.

Again, my heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[susanH]

I am very sorry to hear your news about your Dad. I was a Palliative Care nurse in a Hospice. Could I suggest you contact your nearest hospice or MacMillan nurse to discuss this dilemma? They have wonderful Clinical Nurse Specialists who encounter these issues all the time and they would be able to give you some advice and support. It would be really helpful to make contact with them sooner rather than later so they can put a care package in place. I hope this is of some help.

 

[susanH]

I forgot to say that, you don't need to use the hospice if that's not what your Dad would want, but what they can do is give advice and support and refer you to the best resources. Some people really freak at the mention of the word "Hospice", but many people go into them for symptom control and come out again or have care at home. It's also incredibly helpful for relatives - as would be the MacMillan Nurses. Good luck.

 

[kazcasa]

I have no words of advice based on experience my darling, only the words of a daughter who will be lost without her own dad who is currently deteriorating. It doesn't matter what you talk to him about, just talk to him. He is scared and confused. Spend time with him without pressure.
Massive love to you, you must be heartbroken.:hug:
karen xx

 

[dandelionpoppy]

I am so sorry.
You are in shock too, and although you are a nurse your role here is as a daughter, and you need loving support too.
The MacMillan nurses are wonderful. They will see to the practicalities and will deal sensitively yet positively with the issues.
I know everyone on here is sending you love.:hug:

 

[lashed11]

Hey,

Really sorry to hear that, I completely know how you feel. I have only recently just lost my dad to lung cancer after a 2 year struggle and we experienced the same thing...

My dad was Turkish and wouldn't accept when the docs over here said there's nothing more they can do, and at this stage he was so Ill and couldn't travel, but he still wanted to find out if the doctors in turkey could do anything and he was convinced they could... We didn't really know what to say apart from our doctors are so advanced and they know best, it was heartbreaking... My dads doctor ended up faxing the Turkish doctor with absolutely all the information, and he replied saying he had had the best treatment and they had done everything right...and that was that. It's such a horrible situation and there is no right or wrong answer. Having to discuss your dads life ending is just horrific, so all you can really do is be there for him- it really hard knowing what to say, I don't know if it would be best to give him a little time? When I think of my dad, I think this is a stage you go through when your trying to come to terms with the illness. Or the other option is letting him speak to another doctor? That way it's not you having to repeatedly say things that will upset you both?

Sorry if my advice is absolute crap! I just wanted to try help because it's all so fresh to me.

X

 

[smooth]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I spoke to his nurse this morning who has done all the referrals (OT and social worker) but is also doing a referral to DN. He naughtily said he wasn't in pain but clearly is so she is referring to them today so they can go out and sort out other things. I am speaking to his doctor today to get some pain relief. I think I have decided to not break the news each time as he only remembers things for less than a day BUT remembers the fact he has cancer.

My brother was thinking of telling him he was having treatment the following week as he definitely won't remember. We'll do what we are doing and make sure he is comfortable as much as we can. Just now need to try to get him to agree to a commode and having a bed downstairs, he is a stubborn man my Dad bless him x:hug:x

 

[brittone05]

Sending you love, hugs and strength hun at a really difficult time :hug: When we lost my father in law, my MIL had the early stges of vascular dementia and een now 2 years on she forgets he has gone and cooks his tea and stuff

 

[Martigirl]

So sorry to hear your news xx:hug:

susan H has given some great advice I hope it helps xx

 

[tonicj]

Really sad for you:hug:. If your dad has hope, then that will help him to deal with this. Since he is at such a sad stage of his illness, all you can do is spend what time you have with him, doing things for him and maybe telling him little things from your heart. When the awful time comes it will be comforting for you to know that you did all you could and make sure you have no regrets.

 

[smooth]

I am very sorry to hear your news about your Dad. I was a Palliative Care nurse in a Hospice. Could I suggest you contact your nearest hospice or MacMillan nurse to discuss this dilemma? They have wonderful Clinical Nurse Specialists who encounter these issues all the time and they would be able to give you some advice and support. It would be really helpful to make contact with them sooner rather than later so they can put a care package in place. I hope this is of some help.

I spoke to his lung specialist nurse today and the results say it's squamous primary with central lymph nodes being affected also. She only referred him to social worker and OT but is now going to refer him to the district nurse. He is on the first step of the pain control ladder...... paracetamol.

I told him today about what would be planned and he kept saying no no no I don't need that, I don't want a bed downstairs, I don't want a commode, I don't want carers, I don't want meals brought in. He's a stubborn man :hug: He is still going on about ringing for an ambulance to take him to Clatterbridge for treatment so we are all just telling him to ring the nurse and ask her. The next day he truly forgets.

Really sad for you:hug:. If your dad has hope, then that will help him to deal with this. Since he is at such a sad stage of his illness, all you can do is spend what time you have with him, doing things for him and maybe telling him little things from your heart. When the awful time comes it will be comforting for you to know that you did all you could and make sure you have no regrets.

He had a bit of a fighting spirit today, looked better believe it or not, but none of us are getting our hopes up. Thanks again for the new comments, sorry for not multi quoting all of them xx

 

[brittone05]

My father in law was stubborn - we used to have to chnge things while he wasn't in or he would go mental and tell us how it had been that way for 50 years!!

Clatterbridge is such a fantastic hospital and the staff are truly wonderful so it is some comfort I hope for you and your family that you have such support on hand :hug: xx

 

[J.Victoria]

So very sorry to hear about your dad, my thoughts are with you. :hug: The only experience I can offer you is what happened last year in my family when my grandfather had terminal brain cancer. We too didn't let on to the gravity of it, and I really think it made things easier for him as he wasn't dwelling on it. Although he did ask all the time. He too wouldn't use a comode etc, but he always listened to me, and I gave him lots of tough love lol, which is what I think he needed. xxxxx

 

[gr8nailz]

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I have to words of advice because I honestly can't imagine what you're going through. I can only offer my heartfelt concern for you and your family.

Much love being sent your way!

 

[Noodle]

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult time :hug: x

 

[rachael204]

I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

If he doesn't remember from one day to the next the seriousness of his condition I personally wouldn't keep upsetting him and yourself by telling him. Sending love your way xx

 

[smooth]

Your replies are all wonderful and so supportive, it means so much thank you. I used to wonder why families didn't tell the person what was happening but I was only young then. It does seem to be the right thing to do with not telling him again, the more me and my brothers remain positive the easier it seems to be for all of us, including the most important person, our Dad.

Any ideas how to get a stubborn 82 year old to consider sleeping in a bed downstairs rather than crash out in his chair, on the couch or try to crawl up the stairs? xx

 

[J.Victoria]

I know it may come across as harsh but not really if you'e doing it for their benefit, but I would put the bed in the room and just say breezily 'I've put the bed in here, so you don't have the hassle and bother of going up and down the stairs all the time'. And to try and not make it a big ordeal. If they really make a protest and don't want to do it I said with my grandad 'Well Ok that's up to you, but it would make me feel SO much better knowing that you weren't struggling going up and down the stairs. At least humor me so I feel better.' hth