eternalscot
Well-Known Member
Good thread, I know someone like this.
Relationship help, please
- Thread starter Hausofhana
- Start date
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GlamourEyes11
Well-Known Member
It might not be that he has an addiction to porn. It could be that because he is sometimes unable to 'perform' he was watching porn to see if he is able to perform watching that. He might not be having "fun time alone". He may have a genuine problem and is too embarrassed to do anything about it (although he needs to swallow his pride and do something or he will lose what's precious to him) x
Christine Mary
Well-Known Member
I really don't think he has an addiction to porn, it may be his way of trying to re assure himself he is "normal", whatever his view of normal is.
I agree he has a problem, but I don't think the problem is you, I think it's much deeper than that, and I think that it really is HIS problem.
Whatever it is, he knows he has one, and is clearly finding it difficult to come to terms with, and probably difficult to admit to himself.
He may be screaming out inside for help, but dosn't quite know where to get it from.
I think some counselling would work well, but he has to be open to receiving it.
From where I'm standing I don't think this is the end of your relationship, rather than something, that dealt with professionally could really have the ability to really bring you two together on an emotional level.
Treat the situation with "kid gloves" on, lots of reassurance, lots of understanding, and talking, when he's ready.
I hope the situation improoves for you. xx
I agree he has a problem, but I don't think the problem is you, I think it's much deeper than that, and I think that it really is HIS problem.
Whatever it is, he knows he has one, and is clearly finding it difficult to come to terms with, and probably difficult to admit to himself.
He may be screaming out inside for help, but dosn't quite know where to get it from.
I think some counselling would work well, but he has to be open to receiving it.
From where I'm standing I don't think this is the end of your relationship, rather than something, that dealt with professionally could really have the ability to really bring you two together on an emotional level.
Treat the situation with "kid gloves" on, lots of reassurance, lots of understanding, and talking, when he's ready.
I hope the situation improoves for you. xx
Hausofhana
Well-Known Member
Thanks so much girls, I appreciate every single piece of advice you've all given me. We had a good night, totally relaxed and chilled but no sex, grr. It will maybe come in time.
I'm going to look into counselling and will update you all When things move forward.
Never thought SG would help me do much in a non-beauty way! Kisses & lots of hugs to you all <3 xxx
I'm going to look into counselling and will update you all When things move forward.
Never thought SG would help me do much in a non-beauty way! Kisses & lots of hugs to you all <3 xxx
Only-me
Well-Known Member
Glad your night was enjoyed.. I'm sure you will get there Hun and yes try counseling what have you got to lose, take care xx💓
Kim Lawless
Grande Dame of the Brazilian Wax for Men and Women
Hiya; sorry to hear you sound so down.
You've had lots of great advice so I'll keep my response short and to the point (no pun intended).
1. He may have a physical problem
2. He may have an emotional problem
3. He may have fallen out of love/lust (I hope not)
4. There's something he's not telling you
5. Maybe 'normal' sex doesn't float his boat .what kind of porn sites is he looking at? Men or women?
6. I know you're in love and you can't imagine life without him but getting a knock back every time you want sex will knock your confidence and you'll wind up wanting to put a pillow over his face. Look at the long term ..do you really want that for the rest of your life as it will only get worse as he gets older. You wanna help them INTO bed, not OUT OF bed.
Try all the options to see if things improve but put a time limit on it. x
You've had lots of great advice so I'll keep my response short and to the point (no pun intended).
1. He may have a physical problem
2. He may have an emotional problem
3. He may have fallen out of love/lust (I hope not)
4. There's something he's not telling you
5. Maybe 'normal' sex doesn't float his boat .what kind of porn sites is he looking at? Men or women?
6. I know you're in love and you can't imagine life without him but getting a knock back every time you want sex will knock your confidence and you'll wind up wanting to put a pillow over his face. Look at the long term ..do you really want that for the rest of your life as it will only get worse as he gets older. You wanna help them INTO bed, not OUT OF bed.
Try all the options to see if things improve but put a time limit on it. x
beauty_sarah
Well-Known Member
I am in this situation but it's me that lacks a sex drive! After my bf talked to me about it he found out that when I was younger and with an ex he filmed me and showed it to everyone! I mean everyone!
My bf now is nothing like tht n wud never do tht but it still effects me! Ur bf could be going thru Wht I am! Just talk x
My bf now is nothing like tht n wud never do tht but it still effects me! Ur bf could be going thru Wht I am! Just talk x
Astarstyle
Well-Known Member
Just my opinion but I don't think he has a physical problem, I think he may be suffering with depression. Sex drive is one of the first things that take a nose dive. I understand he is still visiting porn sites and self serving 
but it's a physical need that he is taking care of without any emotional attachment. To have sex he needs to connect with someone (you) who he loves and maybe he can't deal with that right now.
Has he lost interest in anything else lately too? A lot of this would come out in counselling also so getting him to go would probably be your best option all round.
Hope you get it sorted x
but it's a physical need that he is taking care of without any emotional attachment. To have sex he needs to connect with someone (you) who he loves and maybe he can't deal with that right now. Has he lost interest in anything else lately too? A lot of this would come out in counselling also so getting him to go would probably be your best option all round.
Hope you get it sorted x
Hi hun, just felt the need to put my own comment on here as I really feel for you. Everyone on here has given fab advice and I agree with all that a therapist would be a good idea to try. I also agree that you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Be proud of who you are, it is his problem not yours, so please please do not doubt yourself. He is the one knocking your confidence, please try not to let this affect you (the therapist can help with this). I really hope everything works out for you, stay strong xx
Bluerinse
Well-Known Member
Hey chick,
Just thought I'd let you know that yes it's his problem, I'm in the same boat as you. And it's not just in heterosexual relationships but all, my OH refuses to have sex with me while his son who is 13 is in the house at nighttime! Don't ask me why he just says it doesn't feel right! ..(his son lives with us) so I'm left feeling like I'm the one he doesn't find attractive or doesn't sexually turn him on...so I'm in the same boat! And it's not a nice feeling but I'm gonna suggest we have therapy for this...also stress affects things...and he a very stressy person! So I feel like a nun!
Things can only improve for you xxx
Just thought I'd let you know that yes it's his problem, I'm in the same boat as you. And it's not just in heterosexual relationships but all, my OH refuses to have sex with me while his son who is 13 is in the house at nighttime! Don't ask me why he just says it doesn't feel right! ..(his son lives with us) so I'm left feeling like I'm the one he doesn't find attractive or doesn't sexually turn him on...so I'm in the same boat! And it's not a nice feeling but I'm gonna suggest we have therapy for this...also stress affects things...and he a very stressy person! So I feel like a nun!
Things can only improve for you xxx
Didnt want to read and run huni.
Im the same age as you and my hubbys the same age as yours.
Maybe you need a little break away somewhere together to reconnect so it was? Somewhere extra romantic ans saucy!!
Im the same age as you and my hubbys the same age as yours.
Maybe you need a little break away somewhere together to reconnect so it was? Somewhere extra romantic ans saucy!!
Hausofhana
Well-Known Member
He used to dj, go out with his mates and stuff but nothing like that now. He's just found out his mums cancer has spread, so I'm finding it 1000x worse to talk about our problems because it's not the biggest problem right now!!
I was imagining how life would be without him tonight and it seems more bearable than I've ever realised. I'm so unsure what to do. I don't feel like I can talk about it but I can't leave him either, I'd have to be superbitch to leave him at this moment in time!!
I think he does have depression, my dad suffers from this and I know my mum used to feel utter frustration etc before he got help.
Uhhhh. This is horrendous! Part of me wants to leave and have fun being a 19yr old, but the other part of me knows I crave security and utterly hate the 'one night stand, nightclubby young person scene' and I'd lose my two cats and have to move back in with my parents, and lose my beauty room.
I can't imagine things getting better, but then I'm not trying particularly hard.
cxx
I was imagining how life would be without him tonight and it seems more bearable than I've ever realised. I'm so unsure what to do. I don't feel like I can talk about it but I can't leave him either, I'd have to be superbitch to leave him at this moment in time!!
I think he does have depression, my dad suffers from this and I know my mum used to feel utter frustration etc before he got help.
Uhhhh. This is horrendous! Part of me wants to leave and have fun being a 19yr old, but the other part of me knows I crave security and utterly hate the 'one night stand, nightclubby young person scene' and I'd lose my two cats and have to move back in with my parents, and lose my beauty room.
I can't imagine things getting better, but then I'm not trying particularly hard.
cxx
Astarstyle
Well-Known Member
He used to dj, go out with his mates and stuff but nothing like that now. He's just found out his mums cancer has spread, so I'm finding it 1000x worse to talk about our problems because it's not the biggest problem right now!!
I was imagining how life would be without him tonight and it seems more bearable than I've ever realised. I'm so unsure what to do. I don't feel like I can talk about it but I can't leave him either, I'd have to be superbitch to leave him at this moment in time!!
I think he does have depression, my dad suffers from this and I know my mum used to feel utter frustration etc before he got help.
Uhhhh. This is horrendous! Part of me wants to leave and have fun being a 19yr old, but the other part of me knows I crave security and utterly hate the 'one night stand, nightclubby young person scene' and I'd lose my two cats and have to move back in with my parents, and lose my beauty room.
I can't imagine things getting better, but then I'm not trying particularly hard.
cxx
Aw hunny, depression is an absolute bitch to live through and just as hard for somebody to live with someone who is depressed.
I have battled it for years but can sooo sympathise with some one on the other side because I can look from outside the situation. If there is anything I can help you with then please feel free to PM me... I will do all I can x
PS... I can picture myself (lived in) in a similar situation to you and your partner but from the opposite side and it is absolutely NOT your fault x
PixieBeauty
Well-Known Member
He used to dj, go out with his mates and stuff but nothing like that now. He's just found out his mums cancer has spread, so I'm finding it 1000x worse to talk about our problems because it's not the biggest problem right now!!
I was imagining how life would be without him tonight and it seems more bearable than I've ever realised. I'm so unsure what to do. I don't feel like I can talk about it but I can't leave him either, I'd have to be superbitch to leave him at this moment in time!!
I think he does have depression, my dad suffers from this and I know my mum used to feel utter frustration etc before he got help.
Uhhhh. This is horrendous! Part of me wants to leave and have fun being a 19yr old, but the other part of me knows I crave security and utterly hate the 'one night stand, nightclubby young person scene' and I'd lose my two cats and have to move back in with my parents, and lose my beauty room.
I can't imagine things getting better, but then I'm not trying particularly hard.
cxx
Aw honey I really feel for you. As I said I had lived with my ex with depression for a couple of years & felt like a weight was lifted when we split up. He wasn't doing anything to help himself & just wasn't dealing with life very well. I thought (at 27) I was happy enough but when we split I had such a good time on my own & was free to meet other guys all of a sudden. I realised what hard work our relationship was I & now don't know why I put up with it in my twenties.
It is really, really hard work living with someone who is depressed. I felt obligated to stay but in hindsight no, I have my own life to live. I don't think at your age you should let circumstances keep you where you are. Tough as it seems, IF you feel you want to go, then just go Xxx
domino
Well-Known Member
I feal sorry for your situation. But i think the main thing to remember is these problems began before his mum became realy ill. He may be suffering from depression now as a result of his mums illness and thats a horrible situation for anyone to be in. I had to write a reply to u because i found myself in the same situation a while ago (minus the ill m in law). I know its easier to blame his lack of sex on depression and for years thats what i did with my bf, for years and it was very hard all through my early twenties. The thing is i eventually found out that he had a serious porn addiction which he kept hidden, eventually just watching porn wasnt enough and he wanted more interacton so to say, so then sex chat rooms took the place of porn. The whole time i was trying to support him through his "depression that i assumed he had" because it was easier for me to belive he was depressed rather than getting his jollies elsewhere even if it wasnt real. He's not got a lack of sex drive he still has his erges.
You need to decide what u want because im life theres always another crisis to take the place of the last one. It can be worked through if you love each other. Me and my bf r still together, we all lead such busy lifes its easy to drift apart and become just friends but if theres still a spark u can reconect again.
Mabye be there for the hard times that may be comming up as a friend as that seems to b what u are at the mo. But i do think u need to talk about the issues. Relate are very helpful.
Take care, huggs
X
Sent from my GT-I9100 using SalonGeek
You need to decide what u want because im life theres always another crisis to take the place of the last one. It can be worked through if you love each other. Me and my bf r still together, we all lead such busy lifes its easy to drift apart and become just friends but if theres still a spark u can reconect again.
Mabye be there for the hard times that may be comming up as a friend as that seems to b what u are at the mo. But i do think u need to talk about the issues. Relate are very helpful.
Take care, huggs
X
Sent from my GT-I9100 using SalonGeek
littlekate
Well-Known Member
I think you know deep down what you want. We have to do what's right for us in the end and yes it's not great timing but there's never a good time with things like this. A year ago I was with a guy that I adored but he made me feel so low and he was very controlling and I decided that although I loved him and it was hard that I had to get out of the relationship as it was dragging me down. It was unbelievably hard to go through but one of my clients said to me 'do you want to run down the aisle with him' and my answer was no so I thought I'm going to give myself the chance to be with someone I want to run down the aisle with! Now I have found my mr right and he came along when I least expected it and I now believe you defiantly know when it's right and there are no doubts. It's amazing what is just around the corner..... All the best xxx
Hausofhana
Well-Known Member
We spoke last night and have decided we are going to a therapist, woohoo!
We have love and trust, two of the most important things. Surely this is a good foundation for us to rebuild on?
We decided if therapy doesn't work, we will part ways. I'm so glad he feels the same as me despite his mum etc. I feel as if we are on the same page now and hopefully therapy will help but if not, at least I know I'm not being the baddie as we both feel the same.
xxx
We have love and trust, two of the most important things. Surely this is a good foundation for us to rebuild on?
We decided if therapy doesn't work, we will part ways. I'm so glad he feels the same as me despite his mum etc. I feel as if we are on the same page now and hopefully therapy will help but if not, at least I know I'm not being the baddie as we both feel the same.
xxx
Oooh his mother hey? She doesnt think he needs help? Blahh I got a mother in law like that blahhh. I deffs feel sensitive to your situation. Just remeber it really takes 2 to make a relationship work. Therapy is just a tool not a quick fix. One session isnt just gonna explain your issues away it can be such a llooonnngg prosess! Good luck sugar xo
GlamourEyes11
Well-Known Member
When she said about his mum... I think she was referring to the fact she has cancer and he has just found out that it has spread! So despite everything going on with his mum, he still feels the same as OP, that they need to see a therapist and If it doesn't work then they should part ways xxx
OP - so glad you finally managed to talk to him about it and I'm so glad he feels the same
I really hope the therapy works for you hun xxx fingers crossed xxx
tanfastic
Well-Known Member
So pleased for you love, hope all goes well and that you find the happiness you deserve
