Advise needed - kids and bebo!

[JessieBee]

Hi all

Well I'm hoping you will all be able to give me some advise, this might end up be long so please bare with me lol.

Last night my daughter put me in a really awkward position.

She told me that her friend has joined Bebo, OK nothing wrong with that - apart from the fact that she's 10 yrs old!
To say I was shocked was an understatement Now I know this girls mum quite well and thought this was a bit strange that she would let her on there.

This is where the problem comes in, she doesn't know!
This girl has told my daughter not to tell her mum (as she prob knows she'll get removed from it) but now my daughter has told me my instinct is to tell her mum straight away as a girl of that age should not (IMO) be going on sites like this what with all the dangers and weirdo's that can go on there.

I told my daughter I was going to have to tell her mum (and informed her why and why my daughter won't be going on there) and she burst into tears telling me if I told her mum this girl would hate her and never speak to her again. Now she's been friends with this girls since nursery and in this time they have broken up once (about 9 months ago) and my daughter was really upset.

So (sorry said it was long lol), this where I need your advise. Do I not tell this mum and hope this girl being 10 doesn't figure out how to use it (though this is unlikely as 10 year olds nowadays aren't stupid) and gets bored so doesn't use it or do I tell this mum (as I am her friend and would expect her to tell me) and risk breaking up a really good friendship between our girls (they're best friends) and really upsetting my daughter (I would hate to do this). I think she's also going through "the change" so she is very emotional as it is and breaking these two up would just make her worse.

I just couldn't live with myself if anything happened and I'd known all along and not done anything about it!

All I have done so far is told my daughter the she should tell this girl to tell her mum as it is very important that she knows so she can watch out for her or do what she thinks best.
What else can I do?

Sorry it was long but any advise you could give me would be really appreciated as I'm torn as to what to do.

Thanks guys!

Just to add my daughter told me that it was this girls cousin that showed her how to use it which makes me wonder if her mum does know or not, though going by what she said to my daughter I'd still think not but how could I find out?

 

[Klassy Klaws]

Hun to be honest all 3 of my girls and me and my hubby are on Bebo and over the last 4 years or so none of them have had a problem.

If you feel you need to tell her mum then do but in my opinion the site isn't that bad.
All my daughters mates ageing from 10 to 18 are on the site and they all view it as a bit of fun and great for contacting thier mates.

You could just drop the subject in to the conversation with her mum and if she is dead against it then just say you saw her profile or something but I wouldn't worry to much:hug:

 

[tonilee]

Personally I would tell the mother, if you reversed the situation its what you would want isnt it? I know I would.
Im not saying there is anything wrong with Bebo but the secrecy from her mum shouldnt be condoned. If the girls fall out am sure you and the mum could and the girls could all sit down, even over a pizza so its chilled out and explain why it wasnt YOUR daughters choice to tell the other girls mums, but it was YOUR choice, explain why you had to do it. Maybe explain to the girls about privacy settings and safety on the site etc
Am sure its a situation that can be rectified particularly if by you telling the other mum there is no terrible outcome for the other girl....if that makes sense.

I personally dont like the thought of kids under secondary school being on Bebo, call me over protective ( I am!!) but there is sooooo many weirdos on sites and I would worry about maturuty levels of under secondary school age kids. Call me old fashioned but they should be playing tig, or hide and seek or somesuch!! Hmmmmm I am old fashioned, Im dreading my babies growing up!!

 

[sj1973]

Hun to be honest all 3 of my girls and me and my hubby are on Bebo and over the last 4 years or so none of them have had a problem.

If you feel you need to tell her mum then do but in my opinion the site isn't that bad.
All my daughters mates ageing from 10 to 18 are on the site and they all view it as a bit of fun and great for contacting thier mates.

You could just drop the subject in to the conversation with her mum and if she is dead against it then just say you saw her profile or something but I wouldn't worry to much:hug:

Agree here.......i had to ask what bebo was !!!!!.....sounds like harmless fun and if the girls friends are on it then they want to go on it....

I would drop it in conversation and test the water to see what your mate says about it....xxxx hth :hug:

 

[bubbabinks]

Gawd I'm old I actually had to look it up to see what you were talking about!:lol:
I assume it's like Facebook etc...?
I'm with Lee on this one, 10 is to young for these sort of sites.

If she's your friend and you're concerned tell her, but get her round for a cuppa without the girls there.
Ask her to "discover it" so it doesnt effect their friendship.
What with the computer history and all that, she can come across it that way.

I wouldnt tell your daughter you've spoken to your friend and then she has no guilt and nothing to hide.

Good luck hun :hug:

 

[becki x]

You couls say you're on BEBO and you found her that way,no one would ever know your daughter told you :wink2:

 

[nicky's nails]

Gawd I'm old I actually had to look it up to see what you were talking about!:lol:
I assume it's like Facebook etc...?
I'm with Lee on this one, 10 is to young for these sort of sites.

If she's your friend and you're concerned tell her, but get her round for a cuppa without the girls there.
Ask her to "discover it" so it doesnt effect their friendship.
What with the computer history and all that, she can come across it that way.

I wouldnt tell your daughter you've spoken to your friend and then she has no guilt and nothing to hide.

Good luck hun :hug:

this is exactly what i ws going to suggest, make out her mum found the info herslef and not that your daughter 'dropped her in it' ive got to say i totally agree 10 is too young for facebook/myspace/bebo etc, theres is too much they can see and hear that they shouldnt, they need to be protected IMO

good luck hun, hope you get it sorted xx

 

[cherubs]

Whichever way, mum definately needs to know! if it were me I would tell the mum but say that she isn't to say where/how she found out, I think the best way would be for mum to accidently find her bebo:wink2: jmo

 

[*Garfield*]

I would tell the mum, I would not let my 11 year old register on it, I think 10/11 is far too young to be going on those type of sites, you do get some weirdos on, my friend was stalked by somebody on facebook lived and (this guy managed to find out where she lived and everything, and she is an adult and fairly careful about the info she gives out),,,you have to be so careful with kids, they are so trusting....

If the girls mum is happy for her to be on there then fine, but I personally would not be happy, and would want to know about it!

 

[Nicks83]

Whichever way, mum definately needs to know! if it were me I would tell the mum but say that she isn't to say where/how she found out, I think the best way would be for mum to accidently find her bebo:wink2: jmo

I agree it would be ashame for you daughter to loose her best friend over this. But i also think that her parents should know - unfortunately you just never know who might be using these sites its horrible to think about it but you do have to be carefull about these things.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

 

[JessieBee]

Thanks everyone for all your advice it's appreciated.

It's so hard to know what to do. On one hand I want to tell her mum (as yes, I would expect to be told if my daughter was doing something I should know about) but on the other I really don't want to ruin their friendship but I guess the safety of kids should come first. I know I probably sound OTT but to be honest I am a concerned, it's just you hear so many stories and the secrecy of it all. I was always told as a kid you should never keep secrets from your parents and now as a parent I know why. I don't know, maybe I am a bit of an over protective person (I don't even let my daughter have chewing gum in case she chokes lol), maybe I should keep my nose out, I just feel in an awkward position (I knew there was a reason my back hurt lol)

Unfortunately sites like these (I'm not against them at all, I'm on facebook! lol) just aren't regulated enough which as you know anybody and everybody can access them without any trouble. It's a shame that you get weirdo's on them because it ruins it for everybody who genuinely want to use them for fun and to keep in contact with people.

I do think I'll drop it into conversation when I see her next (which will probably be tomorrow) and see how she feels about those sort of sites then if it's a negative reaction I'll just tell her straight out but ask her (as has been suggested) to say she "accidentally" came across it. That way my daughter won't suffer the repercussions, I really don't want that to happen.

 

[stoney]

My 9 year old has a bebo site (after much nagging), but only because I police it. She has great fun on it with all her friends. I check it every day.

We have it switched to private and no one can access her page or leave a comment on it, without me approving it first. She has been warned, the first sign of any nonsense and her account gets deleted.

I agree these sites can be dangerous if not used properly and indeed your daughters friends parents should definately know about it.

 

[xlaurax]

i havent read the above coz im in a rush, so sorry if someone has already advised this.. personally i would tell the mum, but make it clear 2 her that u dont want the girls 2 know it came from you, ask her 2 say she stumbled accross something in the computer history (the bebo website) (which is possible) and was just wondering what it was, and in that way she can make up her own mind also if she is ok with her daughter using bebo at such a young age, which i totally wouldnt be!!! xxx hth

 

[xlaurax]

lisa thats another good idea! xx

 

[bubbabinks]

The scarey thing is she only has to put her photo up in her school uniform and she's then easily found!
I'm not meaning to scare anyone, just point out how something as simple as a photo could cause problems.
Whatever you decide hun at least you will have peace of mind that your daughter was sensible enough to talk to you about it, so you know she's not keeping things from you.
:hug:

 

['chelle]

I think you should tell her. 10 is way too young. Do as someone recommended, and ask her mum to "discover" it herself.

I know some people have said that their 10 year olds use the site and they dont see any harm in it, but I have to say that I passionately disagree with this opinion. You cannot afford to be flippant about the safety of your children. It is a well documented fact that children who use these sites are vulnerable to being targeted by the wrong type of person, and you might think you are policing it, but can you honestly say you peer over your childs shoulder for every second they are using these sites? Even if you do, do you personally know all their friends that they are talking to? Its commonplace for "those sort of people" (I dont even want to say it) to pretend to be young kids in order to gain friendships and trust.

I'm not having a go at anyones parental choices so please dont take this personally, its just an issue that I feel strongly about.

Tonilee's right - what did kids do before these types of things? - they played together! Let them have a childhood, theres plenty of time when they get older to sit gabbing online all night like we do!!!!!

 

[weezie]

If she has told your daughter not to tell her mum then she must be using it for something her mum would not like or that her mum doesn't want her using it.

Unfortunately as an adult you should tell her mum but as others have said this needs to be done in a way that your daughter will feel she can still talk to you in the future about these things. Why not explain to your daughter that you are worried about her friend (as he probably is) and that you want to tell her mum in a way that will not damage their friendship. Then together you can both come up with a way of doing it that won't ruin their friendship or your relationship with your daughter.

Her mother may just be able to look at the history on the computer and see that she has been logged on to bebo. She could even make up that she logs all computer activity with a program or tell her daughter she is going to buy one that does to make sure she is safe and then she may just not use it of her own accord being scared that she may be found out.

 

[Redz24]

I would ask her mum what her thoughts are on bebo. Like you said, you wouldn't like to see your daughter upset like before.

Are you aware of the setting you can change to prevent unwanted people looking at your page? You can set it to private so only people on your friends can see your page, you can review all your comments before they actually go on your page, and also set the age range, ie 10-15, 17-25, only certain people can view it again but not like when it's on private, anyone can view it within that age range.

If her mum is totally against Bebo regardless, then through her ISP (internet service provider) she should be able to set it to block specific sites, i.e bebo, myspace, adult site (this is only an example)

 

[gillian w]

you do need to tell someone responsible for her.We had a very similar thing with my neighbours daughter who was also 10 last year and it was my daughter 16 that told me she was on it and was adding all sorts of people some in their 30s and she also had a very detailed profile.Most people on those websites are a lot older at the very least there is lots of bad language and its just not nice for young kids to be honest.My son is 13 and i dont want him having one at mo.
I dont worry about my daughter we talk about it all ,ive seen her sites,dont necessarily approve of everything but we are open about everything and she is clued up on keeping safe and who she talks to.
Thats the main thing really educate your kids to be aware that not everyone they may talk to is who they seem .We may like to keep our children innocent and away from all these things but it can do more harm than good.

 

[Ophala]

I agree with what others have said, definately tell the mum but tell her your worries for your daughter and her daughter's friendship etc. I'm sure she'll understand your position.

My half sister is 13 and on Bebo, I don't know if her mum checks it but I like to think she's quite mature and sensible when she's on it.

I think more than anything it's about educating kids about the dangers and how to be safe - I found a website once...let me have a look for it...! This is a good site Thinkuknow - home have a look it's prob got some helpful tips.

Let us know how you get on! xxx