Hurting So Much Over Daughter.(long)

[caz3]

:sad: What should I do about my Daughter?

It was 4.5 years ago now when she went to work and never came back! The next thing I knew her Father was on the phone to me saying that she wanted to live with him. This is man that had never financially supported my 2 children with him and had not seem them for 3 years. She had phoned him up out of the blue and told him she wanted to go and live with him so he drove down and picked her up from the pub where she worked and took her to his house 1.5 hours away and left me not knowing where she was until he phoned me at 8am the next morning.

He told me to pack her bedroom and that he would bring her back the following friday night which was 5 days time and she would pick her stuff up. He told me that it would be a quick visit as he had to work. So I had all her bedroom packed and she came in the house with flowers for me (the first and last time she had bought me flowers) and sweets for the kids. I asked her why she was doing this and she just said well we do not get on do we Mum!!!! Ok yes we had our arguements but we also had some great times. She was an 18 year old girl a teenager they are hard work I had a husband that lived away all week and I saw him 2 weekends a month life was not easy for me. We had bought a house in Norfolk as she did not want to move and leave her friends so we thought it would be better to stay put and let her have a life and my hubby moved on with the Army.

She has now been gone 4.5 years and I have only seen her once for 10 mins this is when we were on our way home from a holiday and I had just had Ty my baby boy her Brother so we text her and asked her to meet us at Tescos near to where she was living with her father which she did but that is that.

Her father my X has phoned me up and told me how out of order I was letting his daughters call my new husband Dad, my husband now bought up these girls from when they were 5 years and 1 years they never went without always had and he loves them as much as the 3 kids we have together. My X told me that my husband was nothing to do with the girls this makes me mad as at the end of the day it is my husband now that bought them up. My X told me it must only bge Norfolk people that allow this to happen I am not even from Norfolk I am from Essex does this not just show how mad this man is?

I got a crad from her today with some gifts for Christmas for the kids and on the card she writes Martin not Dad this hurts me so much so god knows what my hubby must feel, but then he is a good man he has never said anything bad about her just walking out he has text her every mothers day, and on my Birthdays asking her to visit me but she has always said she was too busy.

I keep asking her to see me but she said when I stop nagging she will maybe visit so I have gone a whole 12 months without asking her and I have not heard from her so even me keeping out of her life has not worked.

She is 22 years of age now she has a 3 sisters and a brother at home with me, her 18 year old sister has the same father as her my X, but she has not kept in contact with her. My 18 year old text her and asked if she could visit but my daughter turned around and said no she would rather see us all together this was over 12 months ago now. I text her and asked her why her sister could not visit she said that I only want her to go so she can come home and tell me what she is doing!!!!!! I can not win.

When she left I had never taken any board off her we were waiting for her to finish collage where we had just paid over a £1,000 for her to train hair, beauty, and bus fees for 2 years. Her evening and weekends job was giving her over £140 a week but we took nothing off her. The day she left her father told me she would have to get a job as he wanted £100 a month off her which she got a job and started to pay him board.

Every year since she has been gone she has had birthday, Christmas, and Easter gifts off us. This year I have bought post office stamps to pay for her next car tax but am I silly?

This is the first time I have managed to talk about this I have cried all the way through typing it, some may read it thinking I must be a really evil Mum for my daughter to want to walk out my life but this is not the case my life is my children.

I am sure my X has poisoned her mind I left him as he had many affairs and I ended up not loving him anymore and he knows the only way to hurt me is to take my kids. He has not once been to see his other daughter my 18 year old does this not say anything why does he not pick her up and take her to see her sister?

I think my daughter had other issues in the town with boyfriends this is why she went but she seems to want to blame me. She told me that I called her a Bitch ounce when I was shouting at her maybe I did but do I disserve this? She has no contact with any of my family and it was my Dad that helped me out with shoes and coats when I left her father as we had no money.

I will go now do something with my red eyes as I have to do the school run sorry to go on.

Caz xxx

 

[cantrelax]

Listen, please calm down sweetheart and stop blaming yourself. I grew up with just my mum and sister. My father never gave us any money, never sent us a birthday card, nothing and I too still wanted to go and live with him when things with my mum got "tuff". The grass always seems greener. Because I was desperate for some sort of connection with him I would convince myself that he couldn't possibly just "not want me", that he must have had a good reason for not being a dad. Well, he didn't.

Your daughter is probably going through the same sort of emotions as you but doesn't know how to talk about it. And even if your X is feeling her up with rubbish she will soon begin to make sense of nonsense as you and your husband have been the ones that have looked after her and raised her.

To me it seems like your X is trying to make up for lost time but its going about in the wrong way. Would he have contacted her if she hadn't called him first? And he wants rent? Well, we know wher his head is at.

I really do wish you all the best hunny. Take care x

 

[cantrelax]

Also I feel that he has know right to tell you that your children should not be calling your husband dad. He was never there to be called dad!! If he wanted rights in thier up bringing he should have stuck around.

Does he enquire about the other children? Does he want to see them?

 

[Fingertips ND]

Caz I don't know what to say except from what I know you seem like a mum in a million.

Anyone who reads your post can see your devoted to them!

Maybe she will come round soon and see that what she has done is a mistake!

I hope you keep your chin up and enjoy Christmas with your children!

THinking of you x x x x

 

[Sassy Hassy]

Caz I agree with Vicky, you always come across as so devoted to your family ... and we've all said things to our family we didn't mean and wish we hadn't, blimey I've even slapped mine when they have pushed me to the end of my tether.

My dad left my mum when I was 5, I didn't see him again until I was married and by that time he was a compelte stranger and after that visit I asked him not to contact me again ... and he hasn't and that was 20 years ago. Part of me didn't want him to as I considered him a sperm donor and nothing else. But the other half was just wishing him to fight for me and say no, I want to be your dad. So what I am trying to say, is keep fighting for her. She may come back to you in the end, but she can never use the excuse that I use that he never made the effort so why should !?

Your ex is a chief bar-steward! Take care hun

 

[nailcouture]

Caz,

Hunny i know exactly how you are feeling riht now as i was n your position 3 years ago with my son.

Background was that i have been on my own with him since he was born, have no close family apart from my friends. My x used to abuse me in everyway possible. After 3 years of going back and fourth in the courts the judge told my x that he had no undersanding of putting my sons needs before his own and therefore terminated his contact and rights.

Forward to 3 years ago my son was becoming a handful and our relationship was becoming really strained and then announced that he was going to live with his dad!

My heart fell out of my mouth...............i heard it shatter!

This man had done absolutely nothing for this child and yet for some reason my most precious thing in the world to me thought that the sun shone out of this persons a@@........(excuse me)

Anyhow, he packed up his things and went to live with his dad, i could have enforced the non contact order, but he was 12 going on 13 and had young persons rights and even if i had enforced it he would have hated me even more.

I had to put up with my x basically desimating my character to my son, my son beleiving half of it and how coukd i fight against this kind of family terrorism............his dad hadnt worked in over 10 years so that he wouldnt have to contribute financially, but as i told my son if your father cant do it off his own back and concience then i dont want his money.

His dad continued to manipulate and destroy any kind of relationship that my son and i had, he even went to the solicitor to get custody etc, and present himself in court behind my back. My son eventually told me that i wasnt to call him anymore and that he never wanted to see me again.

I had a breakdown last nov, with all the stress of it all, it was like mourning for my child.i know that might sound wiered but its the only way i can describe it. I didn't know how to be happy anymore or how to interact with my friends and so ended up becoming a recluse.

Then in that same month there was a knock at the door at 9pm and my partner answered. I heard someone coming up the stairs and in walked my son..............i nearly fainted with joy, but he was really upset and crying. So i asked him what was wrong...........basically he had had a fight with his dad who had become violent with him. I wanted to take all the hurt away from him but i couldnt, but i also knew he had to feel what was happening.

He asked if he could move home, and that he was sorry for what he had put me through. So i told him that he coulkd, but that e needed to understand that it was his choice , not mine or anyone elses.

He has been home a year now and our relationship is better than it ever was..............his dad is still investing no time in him etc and still trying to manipulate the situation etc........

But by stepping back as hard as it was, it made my son be in a place where he had to experience the man that his father is..........and by him experiencing that he is now not manipulated by his dad.

I guess what i am saying to you is that as hard as it will be, step back into the wings of your daughters life and allow her to work through what it is she feels she needs to work through without your support. It will be one of the toughest things that you will ever have to do, but trust me...when the time is right, she will come back to you and in a better place and your relationship will be much stronger for it.

Allow your partner to support you and you will have loads of down days, but don't keep it inside. Ask your GP if you can be reffered to a councillor............having that one person to be able to talk to that one time a week can help................but if you feel you don't want to do that then please give me a shout.........

I know you don't know me, but i just want you to know that you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel............you can contact m anytime you need to talk..........

Be strong hunny and hold on...................

 

[Lellipop]

Hi Caz,
I think your ex is jealous of your new hubby and wants to have everything But for a child to call someone dad that person as to earn it by being there for the child and loving and respecting it thats what your hubby as done so imo he deserves the title of Dad :wink2: not your ex.
Your daughter lives with her Dad so will always side with him I would say let her get on with it until a time when hopefully she will mature more and understand that she may need her Mum in her life
You have a lovely xmas with your family xxxxxxxxx

 

[Lynz]

Gotta agree with everything above, I know we've only swapped a few pm's etc but it's so obvious all your kids mean the world to you so keep fighting for her.

Sending you lots of :hug:.

 

[Martigirl]

So sorry to hear your sadness:hug: :hug:

 

[caz3]

Thanks all I have just read my messages I could not read them before now as I had to walk to the school and I needed to get my eyes sorted they were all red from writing the message and I knew that if I started to read my messages I would cry again and this is what I am doing and it hurts so much the pain I am going through is so bad but I must always remember that others are going through far worse this keeps me going.

When my X phoned me the other month to have a go at me (I had wrote to him asking him to give my other daughter some money each month to help her out) so he phoned me up and told me that he should not have to send money it was not his fault that I had gone on to have 3 more children and that we must have more money than he has and he said he knew what pension my hubby has now he has left the army he was really nasty at the end of the day it is non of his business how much money we have and what pension my hubby has. My hubby did 22 years in the army went to war twice I think he shouild have a good pension, also he has got a new job which pays £20.000 less a year than he got in the army so I think we need a pension else we would not beable to live with 4 kids still in the house. At the end of the day I was asking for my daughter not me I have gone 18 years with no money off him for and bought up 2 of his children. Anyway then I get a text off my daughter telling me not to phone his house (I did not phone his house he phoned me) her text read this I still have it.
1. Never phone my Dad again!
2. I have bought a flat now but do not ask for the address as you will never get it!
3. the only family I have is here!

I will have to close for now I have 3 kids in the house and the 18 year old will be in from work I do not want them to see me upset
Thanks girls.

 

[Jen Smith]

I was saddened when I read you post, it really tugged at my heart strings Caz. You obviously adore all of your children and this distance your daughter has put herself between you is tearing you up and I can understand exactly where you are coming from.

I won't go into details but I know how you are feeling, believe me. If I was to offer you any advise then it could only be, enjoy your family you have around you, let them reap the love and affection your husband and you bring them. As for your daughter, I am sure she will come round in time. Even if its another four years, she will know what she is missing. Keep reminding her that you love her, through birthday and Christmas cards, a phone call once a month etc, but gently let her go. She is an adult now, and yes she may well be influenced by your X, but as long as she knows she is still loved with no conditions, she will be back.

Try and look upon it as an independent streak, I am sure its not a deliberate act to hurt you, even though this is what has happened.

Enjoy your Christmas and New Year, you sound like you are going to be busy with them little ones, I know I am lol!!

:hug:

 

[~shelley~]

I'm really sorry to hear about all this, you are such a nice person & obviously adore your kids. I dont know what to say but i hope you get through this xxx

 

[looby4444]

Caz I don't know what to say except from what I know you seem like a mum in a million.

Anyone who reads your post can see your devoted to them!

Maybe she will come round soon and see that what she has done is a mistake!

I hope you keep your chin up and enjoy Christmas with your children!

THinking of you x x x x

yeah i agree,

I think 16-18 is a very strange age for girls and i think some ppl are very easily led. I was horrible to my mum when i was 16 and now look back (im 22) and think, oh my god i cant believe the things i said to her...and i never realised just how much she did for me.

i know shes 22 now, but maybe when she has kids of her own it will make her see what a mother daughter bond is and wake her up to the fact that you're a bloody good mum.

hang in there chick, it must be hard, but she'll wake up one day and she wont know what to do to make it all up to you... i know i wouldnt.

lou x

 

[Mrs.Clooney]

I can not even imagine how deep your pain must be over this Caz. It's all too much to take in let alone comprehend. How do you deal with something like this? Our love for our children, no matter how old or young, is not something that one can quantify. You probably really need to seek professional help and support for this. Not what you want to hear right now but you are hurting so badly. Hugs for you:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Susie H]

Caz hun, I said on another thread that I haven't seen one of my boys since he was 6 years old so lots of simpathy for you, I have absolutly no idea what is causing your daughter to lash out like this but I assure you your x is only going to harm himself by setting her against you.
Honest advise? Forget that she moved to your x's home and ignore all her spite. Treat her as if she just left home, stop phoneing or texting and keep the contact to a cheery news letter when ever you send her a pressy.
Bottom line Caz look at your other kids, if everything is ok with them and you raised her the same way then you have nothing to reproch your self for and sometimes we just have to accept that inspite of everything we do some times we just have to step back.
My youngest son was once playing up in public when he was old enough to know better and this elderly gent said to me don't worry, long as I've lived every family has one kid who has to push it and it's not a crime to find that whilst you love them you don't actualy like them very much. My youngest lad will be 19 in Febuary, joined the army 8 weeks ago and is going REME just like his dad, he's coming home tomorrow and I cant wait to see him and if he had joined up 2 years ago I would have packed his bag for him and only gone to his passing out parade because it would have looked strange if i hadn't. Some times it takes them a while to grow up and realise the world not only doesn't owe them a favour, it doesn't even know they egzist She could be worse you know, drugs, prostitution, theif. Don't allow her to ruin what you have with the other kids and that wonderful man you are married to.
God bless Caz and a merry christmas.

 

[scattyfox]

All i can say is you are very strong ladies o ahve gone through what you ahve with your kids and i admire you all greatly fr that. i don't ahve ny words of advise but just want tyou o know i am thinking of you all.
x

 

[jac extreme]

sorry to hear what you are going through caz, I think suzie H comments were spot on, hope you are feeling a bit better now:hug:

 

[rainbowstar]

Caz, what a sad situation for you, I can't really say anything helpful to you as my 3 kids are still pre-school so I can't imagine what it might be like for this to happen. I REALLY hope you are able to sort this out with your daughter, and that you can have a better relationship than you do just now. Thinking of you xxxx

 

[caz3]

Thanks everyone I had to go to bed last night came on for a few mins but left I had got myself all worked up talking about this.

I am going to have to sit back on this one be it 20 years and see if she wants her Mummy one day. I will always be here for her she knows this.

I was told once to stop texting her, writing to her and just send a funny b.day card, christmas card once a year. They told me if I wrote letters which kept bringing this subject up then it would just make things worse. They told me that she would not be missing the moaning/nagging Mum, but she would be missing the funny loving Mum and when she got these funny cards with just a short note in this would be good.

We will see I have sort of given up but I will not give up just makes me so sad to think she is missing out on all our family fun.

Also since she has been gone she has taken a part of me with her I do not seem the same person not so happy go lucky, but I think life does this to you.

I never thought a child of mine would ever make me cry so much when you are growing up you only think men could do this to you how wrong was I!

Merry Christmas to you all have a great one.

Caz xxx

 

[Lissie]

Hi there,

Like evryone has said we can only imagine the pain you are going through, My mum and Dad divorced when i was three, as my dad was in the Navy we only got too see him every so often, from the age of around 4 until i was about 10 my granparents used to bad mouth my mum to me and my brothers, my eldest brother is from my Mums first marriage, my dad adopted him but after the divorce my grandparents refused to treat him as a grandson because my mum and dad were no longer together, Sadly my dad died when i was eleven and my grandparents wrote an article in paper and said my dad devoted his life to his TWO children and missed my brother out, it broke all of our hearts, as time has now moved on we have been able to undertsand that was their way of greiving........

My eldest Brother stll visits them as he has three toung children and wants them to know their great grandparents..... My mum and I are closer than ever, she is my best friend but not long ago i made a huge mistake in my life and moved out to spite her, we didnt talk for about a year, but the same as you she continued to send cards and letters and every time i recieved one my heart melted to know she still cared, i had no intention of telling her how i felt so continued to be nasty to her, untill one day it got too much i ran home crying to mummy...

I guess what i am trying to say is, give her time and continue as oyu are the best thing a mum can do is just show you love her, you are sooooo strong for managing to talk about this on here and open your heart.....

Good luck and be patient....

Remember, Yesterday is the past, tommorow is the future, Today is a gift thats why we call it the present....

My thoughts are with you honey

Lissie x x x x x x x :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :Love: :Love: