rachel_1984
Well-Known Member
Hello Everyone,
First of all I would just like to say the biggest and most heartfelt thankyou to you all for all your messages of help, support, love and advice. I couldnt believe how many people were genuinely interested and concerned about me, and that has helped me so much over the past few days. You guys are the greatest, and I certainly could neve of imagined having so much support and guidance at such at difficult time.
I am finally back home, alongside my Mum, and its such a big relief to be back on home turf. I know many of you are wondering what has been going on, and so I'd like to explain, but I hope none of you will judge too soon. I would just like to give you my thoughts and feelings.
I was chatting to you all on Thursday afternoon after what had happened, adn finally Serkan's uncle arrived home, also accompanied by Serkan and his cousin. I left the living room and began packing my bags in the bedroom. His uncle (unaware of what had happend, even though they had all just been to the barber together) came into the room, and I began to cry and told him I was leaving. I explained what had happened and he couldnt believe that Serkan could ever act like that towards me. I told him that it was the end for me and Serkan, there was no way I would reconsider, and I was leaving his house to return home.
He wouldnt stand for me leaving and didnt want me walking around in a foreign country. His uncle really is the most kind, caring and sensible Turkish man I have ever met. He told me he wanted an explanation from Serkan, and left the room where I continued to pack.
Around ten minutes later, Serkan came to the bedroom and said that the marriage obviuosly wasnt working, that he would return to Turkey to arrange the divorce and that he didnt want anything else from me. I agreed to this, and gave him the Aile Cuzdani. I persisted to his uncle that I wanted to leave, but he said that I should stay with him and he would be there to stop anything else from happening. I have seen his uncle put Serkan in his place on many occasions, and so felt safe with the agreement.
Serkan insisted he wouldnt be coming to England the next day (I tried and failed miserably to get a flight home on Thursday), which I couldnt have really cared less about. His uncle still wanted to fly however, as he has friends over here. I didnt have a problem as I knew I would be home safe with Mum. I slept early that evening, and left Serkan and his uncle talking in the living room.
I woke on Friday morning to the shock that all three of us would be flying to England, but still I presumed Serkan would be staying with his uncle, and he needed to collect some belongings from my house anyway. In the taxi on the way to the airport, Serkan started talking to me, pretending everything was OK, to which I replied that I didnt want to be with him anymore as I couldnt trust him or forgive him for his behaviour. Several times he replied OK, as long as you know that you have made this decision and not me, and I told him yes, it is my decision and I am sure.
Whilst waiting to board the plane, he then started telling me that he was so wrong for what he had done, that it was wrong because I am weak and cant defend myself. He admitted he had a temper problem, and said that upon return to Turkey he would go to see the physciatric doctor. He apologised time and again and swore it wouldnt happen again. I explained how hurt, embarrased and scared I had been, and that I couldnt live in fear of somebody like that. He continued to tell me that he was sorry, and the same thing would neve re-occur.
We all boarded the plane, and still I was keeping it cool and sticking to my word that I couldnt cope anymore. His uncle assured me that he had given Serkan the bollocking of his life (and I truly believe that for once Serkan was scared) and I trusted his uncle when he said that things would change. Slowly I softened, and before long all three of us were at my house.
I told Serkan that my feelings for him have changed, that I cant trust him, and I need time to work out what I want. His uncle told him time and again that I am right, that after such a thing, nothing comes easily, and that if he really wants to save his marriage, he needs to give it time and effort.
Things have been the calmest since the day we got married, and we continue to be civil with each other. He is trying 110% to correct everything, but over the past two days I just havnt given a s**t anymore, and although at times I can honestly see he his trying not to let our marriage end, there are so many times when I think I couldnt really give a toss about him anymore.
I know most of you will disagree, but I chose not to tell my Mum as I couldnt stand her to go through more hurt. She is having a hard few days after her chemotherapy on Wednesday, and I just couldnt stand to see her in anymore pain. Although she is my Mum, I feel that if I tell you all on here, I have the same amount of support that she would give me, and at the same time, she doesnt have any extra worry. You have all been like a mother, best friend and sister rolled into one, and again I cant thank you all enough.
So now I bet you're all thinking how stupid I am for having him in my house and trying to work his way back in my life, and yes, a big part of me thinks I am stupid too. But, to be honest, I need this time with him here before he returns back toTurkey to make me realise if he his going to change, or if in fact I do still want him in my life or not. As you all know, he has had no problem arguing and acting the git in front of my Mum before, and if it should happen again, then he can sod off back to Turkey in 12 days time, and I can stay at home and start my life anew.
Nobody wants to see their marriage fail, but the past few days have given me so much strength and confidence, that the first sign of any nastiness, temper etc, I now can stand up tall and say loud, I dont need you in my life anymore, I have all I need and more without you being there. I know for a fact that at the moment my feelings for him are at an all time low, and even he can see that. For the first time he has seen that I in fact dont need him in my life at all, that I do have so much without him, and I really do believe he is know actually worried about losing me.
So I am going to see how the next few days work out- whether I do start getting the love and emotion back that I had so much of once before, or if in fact my instincts are right and I can say thankyou for waking me up and showing me another direction in my life that doesnt include you.
I hope that you may all continue to support me in the way you have done so far. Im sure the post I am writing now is not the one you all wanted to see, but please give me a little more time to get my head straight, and who knows what will be the outcome. If I decide to call it a day, then I know I can count on you all as you have been the best friends a girl could wish for. However, if I do decide to give it another chance, please dont turn your back on me and say that it will all happen again, and that he wont change. That will be my mistake to find out, but as I said, I have the new found strength now to turn my back and close the door on this chapter in my life.
You really do all mean the world to me.
Love and hugs always
Rachel xxxx
First of all I would just like to say the biggest and most heartfelt thankyou to you all for all your messages of help, support, love and advice. I couldnt believe how many people were genuinely interested and concerned about me, and that has helped me so much over the past few days. You guys are the greatest, and I certainly could neve of imagined having so much support and guidance at such at difficult time.
I am finally back home, alongside my Mum, and its such a big relief to be back on home turf. I know many of you are wondering what has been going on, and so I'd like to explain, but I hope none of you will judge too soon. I would just like to give you my thoughts and feelings.
I was chatting to you all on Thursday afternoon after what had happened, adn finally Serkan's uncle arrived home, also accompanied by Serkan and his cousin. I left the living room and began packing my bags in the bedroom. His uncle (unaware of what had happend, even though they had all just been to the barber together) came into the room, and I began to cry and told him I was leaving. I explained what had happened and he couldnt believe that Serkan could ever act like that towards me. I told him that it was the end for me and Serkan, there was no way I would reconsider, and I was leaving his house to return home.
He wouldnt stand for me leaving and didnt want me walking around in a foreign country. His uncle really is the most kind, caring and sensible Turkish man I have ever met. He told me he wanted an explanation from Serkan, and left the room where I continued to pack.
Around ten minutes later, Serkan came to the bedroom and said that the marriage obviuosly wasnt working, that he would return to Turkey to arrange the divorce and that he didnt want anything else from me. I agreed to this, and gave him the Aile Cuzdani. I persisted to his uncle that I wanted to leave, but he said that I should stay with him and he would be there to stop anything else from happening. I have seen his uncle put Serkan in his place on many occasions, and so felt safe with the agreement.
Serkan insisted he wouldnt be coming to England the next day (I tried and failed miserably to get a flight home on Thursday), which I couldnt have really cared less about. His uncle still wanted to fly however, as he has friends over here. I didnt have a problem as I knew I would be home safe with Mum. I slept early that evening, and left Serkan and his uncle talking in the living room.
I woke on Friday morning to the shock that all three of us would be flying to England, but still I presumed Serkan would be staying with his uncle, and he needed to collect some belongings from my house anyway. In the taxi on the way to the airport, Serkan started talking to me, pretending everything was OK, to which I replied that I didnt want to be with him anymore as I couldnt trust him or forgive him for his behaviour. Several times he replied OK, as long as you know that you have made this decision and not me, and I told him yes, it is my decision and I am sure.
Whilst waiting to board the plane, he then started telling me that he was so wrong for what he had done, that it was wrong because I am weak and cant defend myself. He admitted he had a temper problem, and said that upon return to Turkey he would go to see the physciatric doctor. He apologised time and again and swore it wouldnt happen again. I explained how hurt, embarrased and scared I had been, and that I couldnt live in fear of somebody like that. He continued to tell me that he was sorry, and the same thing would neve re-occur.
We all boarded the plane, and still I was keeping it cool and sticking to my word that I couldnt cope anymore. His uncle assured me that he had given Serkan the bollocking of his life (and I truly believe that for once Serkan was scared) and I trusted his uncle when he said that things would change. Slowly I softened, and before long all three of us were at my house.
I told Serkan that my feelings for him have changed, that I cant trust him, and I need time to work out what I want. His uncle told him time and again that I am right, that after such a thing, nothing comes easily, and that if he really wants to save his marriage, he needs to give it time and effort.
Things have been the calmest since the day we got married, and we continue to be civil with each other. He is trying 110% to correct everything, but over the past two days I just havnt given a s**t anymore, and although at times I can honestly see he his trying not to let our marriage end, there are so many times when I think I couldnt really give a toss about him anymore.
I know most of you will disagree, but I chose not to tell my Mum as I couldnt stand her to go through more hurt. She is having a hard few days after her chemotherapy on Wednesday, and I just couldnt stand to see her in anymore pain. Although she is my Mum, I feel that if I tell you all on here, I have the same amount of support that she would give me, and at the same time, she doesnt have any extra worry. You have all been like a mother, best friend and sister rolled into one, and again I cant thank you all enough.
So now I bet you're all thinking how stupid I am for having him in my house and trying to work his way back in my life, and yes, a big part of me thinks I am stupid too. But, to be honest, I need this time with him here before he returns back toTurkey to make me realise if he his going to change, or if in fact I do still want him in my life or not. As you all know, he has had no problem arguing and acting the git in front of my Mum before, and if it should happen again, then he can sod off back to Turkey in 12 days time, and I can stay at home and start my life anew.
Nobody wants to see their marriage fail, but the past few days have given me so much strength and confidence, that the first sign of any nastiness, temper etc, I now can stand up tall and say loud, I dont need you in my life anymore, I have all I need and more without you being there. I know for a fact that at the moment my feelings for him are at an all time low, and even he can see that. For the first time he has seen that I in fact dont need him in my life at all, that I do have so much without him, and I really do believe he is know actually worried about losing me.
So I am going to see how the next few days work out- whether I do start getting the love and emotion back that I had so much of once before, or if in fact my instincts are right and I can say thankyou for waking me up and showing me another direction in my life that doesnt include you.
I hope that you may all continue to support me in the way you have done so far. Im sure the post I am writing now is not the one you all wanted to see, but please give me a little more time to get my head straight, and who knows what will be the outcome. If I decide to call it a day, then I know I can count on you all as you have been the best friends a girl could wish for. However, if I do decide to give it another chance, please dont turn your back on me and say that it will all happen again, and that he wont change. That will be my mistake to find out, but as I said, I have the new found strength now to turn my back and close the door on this chapter in my life.
You really do all mean the world to me.
Love and hugs always
Rachel xxxx
