When is it wrong to keep quiet? Debate.

[virtues2011]

You done well to calm down after hearing that news....I'm easy going but I'm afraid in that case I would probably have gotten arrested

This is it. It certainly wouldn't have helped matters by me storming round and having a turn. I was equally as angry with her for putting up with it. It wouldn't have helped by calling the police either. The only thing that I could do was forcibly tell her he would never be welcome in my house. EVER... and I'd start ripping heads off. She knows when I mean it!

 

[pinkthistle]

I think its a subject and a decision that, until it happens to you personally you don't know how you will react....

 

[heatherp]

Yes absolutely. You see this. The shy timid girls will generally be picked on. That has never changed.

My daughter bottles things up terribly. I never have. I didn't even know about this issue with boys until she left school. That was a little upsetting, I have also recently found out her boyfriend has been beating, punching and biting her as he finds it funny. They've since split. My daughter cries, tells me she misses him. I lost the plot here to be honest and told her I'd rip both their heads off if she even entertained the thought of seeing him.... Once I had calmed down I was a little more rational but the ripping of people's heads did stay! She hasn't seen him since the new year. If I'm now classed as a bully then so be it.

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I feel your pain, my daughter met a lad when she was 15, i wasn't very impressed with him but thought id give him the benefit of the doubt.
Over the following 5 years i watched her go fron a life loving teenager to an unconfident, insecure, timid girl. His parents regularly kicked him out, he didnt work, he regularly cheated on her but we just couldnt get her to finish it, she would break up for a short time then get back together.
My husband eventually banned him from their house and when i thought of doing the same found her looking at scummy bedsits so instead told her if he got a job then he could live with us ( he was sofa surfing as usual)on the understanding they saved for a deposit on a decent place knowing that he wouldn't.
What i didnt think would happen was that on a night out seperately in town, when he went to find her for more money when she refused as she had already given him loads, he beat her to the ground breaking her nose in 2 places and causing a cut above her left eye needing 4 stitches and she now needs glasses for certain things as the vision was impaired. He then walked away leaving her semi consious in a pool of her own blood.
Convinced by police to prosecute, she gave evidence behind a screen which almost broke her again, only for him to get a suspened sentence.
Six years later following 3 years of therapy she is back to my beautiful, bright, loving daughther partly thanks to her amazing boyfriend.
Sorry, im not usually one to disclose my personal life on here but i would say to the op, i agree with virtues and the others, make sure there would be an advantage to taking a legal action, make sure the ends justify the means, it came close to completely destroying mu daughter
H xx

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[mollie1985]

I feel your pain, my daughter met a lad when she was 15, i wasn't very impressed with him but thought id give him the benefit of the doubt.
Over the following 5 years i watched her go fron a life loving teenager to an unconfident, insecure, timid girl. His parents regularly kicked him out, he didnt work, he regularly cheated on her but we just couldnt get her to finish it, she would break up for a short time then get back together.
My husband eventually banned him from their house and when i thought of doing the same found her looking at scummy bedsits so instead told her if he got a job then he could live with us ( he was sofa surfing as usual)on the understanding they saved for a deposit on a decent place knowing that he wouldn't.
What i didnt think would happen was that on a night out seperately in town, when he went to find her for more money when she refused as she had already given him loads, he beat her to the ground breaking her nose in 2 places and causing a cut above her left eye needing 4 stitches and she now needs glasses for certain things as the vision was impaired. He then walked away leaving her semi consious in a pool of her own blood.
Convinced by police to prosecute, she gave evidence behind a screen which almost broke her again, only for him to get a suspened sentence.
Six years later following 3 years of therapy she is back to my beautiful, bright, loving daughther partly thanks to her amazing boyfriend.
Sorry, im not usually one to disclose my personal life on here but i would say to the op, i agree with virtues and the others, make sure there would be an advantage to taking a legal action, make sure the ends justify the means, it came close to completely destroying mu daughter
H xx

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That's such a sad story I think like someone else said unless you've been the situation it's hard to think what you should do I hope your daughter is getting better and hopefully get her confidence back x

 

[heatherp]

Thank you Mollie 1985

She is definately on the mend, much happier and more confident although there are still places in town she won't walk around in case she sees him.

H x

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[squidgernetball]

Thank you Mollie 1985

She is definately on the mend, much happier and more confident although there are still places in town she won't walk around in case she sees him.

H x

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I'm so glad to hear your daughter is on the mend.
To answer the op's question, who knows? Walk a mile in these shoes is one of the sayings I use all the time. What I may keep quiet about one week I may shout from the roof tops the next. The only exception is probably where my girls are concerned. Then I turn in to a lion. I'm always prepared to take the consequences if it's to protect my girls - Sometimes against their wishes, but I know that I'm right!

I would also add that I have had several situations where I have with hindsight been the victim of sexual groping but am older than a lot of you on here and it really was just seen as the boss being a bit cheeky. I'm so glad women have more of a voice now.

Vicki x

 

[tonicj]

I've been reading a thread on bullying, and it made me think about a wider issue.

Let's take the example of a sexual assault.
Does the victim have a moral obligation to report it,and protect other potential victims, or does he/she have the right to choose to keep it quiet and carry on with life without the trauma of a court case?

There must be other examples, too.

I don't have a definite opinion. Do you?

I think it's a difficult question D'Poppy! I guess it depends on the individual. The trauma of a court case could be too much to bear for some, while others may feel they need to report the incident and just go along with what they need to do. I don't know what I would do myself, but if it happened to my children, well, that's a different story! As a Mother, I would go in all gun's blazing!!

 

[Spa Therapist]

I've skipped a few pages so please forgive me if I'm repeating what anyone else has said.

I don't believe victims should be made to feel responsible if their attacker goes on to do it again. Victims don't ask to be assaulted, they have enough anxiety, sadness and humiliation to contend with without having such a big responsibility dumped on them too. I was assaulted when I was 11, he was 15. What would have happened if I'd reported it? He would have got a couple of years in a detention centre AT MOST... I would have been mortified, my family would have been devastated, my father would most probably have ended up in trouble for kicking hell out of him... He'd still be free to do it again not long after.

Sometimes it's just easier to keep quiet and try to forget. If he touched anyone else that's his responsibility - it's certainly not mine and I won't feel guilty for it!

 

[Carlalouise]

I have 3 teenage daughters and if they were attacked, raped, abused, assaulted, I would encourage them to report it and be with them every step of the way with as much love and support as I could possibly give!!

If it happened to me - to flippin right I would report it, I would want to cause as much pain and inconvenience and I would personally enjoy watching their world come crushing down!!

However, some people do not have the support network and love and are scared, embarrassed, they have to make that call, I would never criticise.

As for the young girl out on a Saturday night in next to nothing on her own drunk, yes she is asking for trouble, of course she doesn't deserve it and of course its wrong but you have to remember there are evil people out there that will think you're fair game and so you need to realise this and keep yourself safe!!!!

 

[NailsXpress]

There are some real sick people out there. Whoever you are and however we dress they will find a way to hurt us.

I only have a son, but if someone hurt him, I would do my upmost to get them dealt with. If the law couldn't sort them out, I know myself and hubby would. God help anyone if we had a daughter!

I have a younger sister and she used to ignore what I told her until one day she realised I was right. She was walking home on her own in her short skimpy dress etc and was approached by a drunk. He tried to kiss her, ended up pushing her over. Nothing further happened, thank goodness, but she was very shaken up. She ran all the way home crying and told me what had happened. She didn't want to tell mum or dad.

She now always takes a coat with her to cover up and always gets a taxi or stays in a group. Her and her friends even get other girls, who are hanging around on their own, to join them so that they are safe when walking home etc. The last two girls phone ahead so that a family member or friend can stand at the gate etc or at the end of the road, to see them walk the last bit to their door.

We just watch out for each other. Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, our phones are always charged and switched on and anyone can ask for help at any time. Even if it means getting up at 3am to go and collect our son or his friend.

 

[ginarose]

I don't agree with people saying girls are asking for it walking home alone/dressed skimpily etc but everyone's entitled to opinion. I walk home alone often when I've been out but I live in my town centre probably about 3 mins walk from the furthest bar and let me tell u if anyone tried to grope me they'd get a stiletto to the eyeball haha

 

[misslady]

I don't believe that girls (or guys for that matter) are 'asking for it'. People can and do wear what they like. But I think that we will all agree that how we dress and portray ourselves allows people to form opinions about us. This is why we dress a certain way when going to a job interview or an important meeting etc.

I think that keeping quiet depends on the individual and the situation. As a previous poster said her daughter spoke out and he wasn't really punished sufficiently. I do think that speaking out would be excellent - if we had a decent justice system that would deal with those convicted properly, but hey that's another thread.

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[Elaine Armani]

Personally, I wouldn't want to report anything if I was in a situation like that, simply because I am a person that likes to keep quite and keep my things to myself. Although I would no doubt report crime if I can see it happening... That's like allowing it to happen, that's honestly the worst thing you can do, watch it.

In regards to girls walking around with minimal clothing hammered at 4am I HAVE to agree with that, it may sound old school, closed minded, narrow minded or what ever you would like to call it, but some men are honestly pigs and would go for any bait they see, as everyone may know when you're so drunk that you can't even walk straight you don't know what you're doing, for all you know you could be flashing your a$$ and tits on the street..
I'm just saying that some things in life can be avoided it's just about the decision you make!
This also comes from my opinion and views on the world and life I do believe that you create your own life and only a few things can't be controlled I.e death and etc.
I don't believe in fate or destiny because we all individually control our lives that's why I'm saying it's avoidable, putting yourself in a situation like that isn't okay!

No, I'm not for a second saying if a girl gets sexually assaulted while being in a situation as above would be blamed for it being her fault!
I am one to agree that women have rights and should be able to do what they like but that doesn't mean putting yourself in risk!
Some men are greedy pigs and that's just they way it is meant to be otherwise the world wouldn't be right, that's why I agree with avoiding being an easy target.
And no I'm not saying all situations of sexual assault and bullying and etc are avoidable but the scenario as above, you shouldn't be putting yourself in a situation like that in the first place.
This is solely my opinion, I'm not saying I'm right so I hope i haven't offended anyone. xx

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I agree with you 100% Elaine. Not offended at all.

 

[jmd1980]

It's a difficult one. People deal with things in their own way. Personally, I think I would feel obligated to report something to try and prevent it happening to someone else.

We hear so often of a rape or a murder, when the attacker is caught, umpteen previous unknown victims come forward. I always wonder if fewer lives might have been devastated if someone came forward earlier.

Having said that I understand why some people feel unable to come forward due to a sense of fear or shame. I couldn't live with the thought that I could have possibly prevented someone else being hurt.

We are all individuals so I think you can only know what to do once you are in the situation. Only you know what you can live with.

 

[virtues2011]

It's true Elaine.

 

[w1nnie]

I was on a jury on a rape case a couple of years ago. In my view, The victim was asking for it, from the way she was acting, I had no sympathy for her. Her dad brought the rapist to court. BUT the guy should never have done it, and I was glad to see him go down for the rape.

NO female should be sexually assaulted. No matter what they wear or how they act. If she says 'no' and it carries on, then that's sexual assault. It's up to the girl if she wants to report it. It doesn't count when there mutual agreement.

 

[virtues2011]

I was on a jury on a rape case a couple of years ago. In my view, The victim was asking for it, from the way she was acting, I had no sympathy for her. Her dad brought the rapist to court. BUT the guy should never have done it, and I was glad to see him go down for the rape.

NO female should be sexually assaulted. No matter what they wear or how they act. If she says 'no' and it carries on, then that's sexual assault. It's up to the girl if she wants to report it. It doesn't count when there mutual agreement.

Isn't this where the argument begins....how can you determine who said yes, then do they change their mind the next day! There are a lot of issues when both parties drink and one can't remember what the other said.

You get the spiteful girls who cry wolf, the guys who rape that say it was mutual consent ... it gives me a headache just thinking about it.


etc.

 

[w1nnie]

That case was a bit difficult because there was another bloke involved who had already been tried , and he went down for it. But we weren't allowed to know anything about his part in it ! For legal reasons. Anyway, on my jury case the girl basically said he did it ( btw, she was 15) and he said he did nothing but sit on the sofa all the time!!! But it was the finding of lacerations ********** which proved he was the culprit ! Sorry for the detail, but that's what you get in court cases

 

[Mobile Manicure]

That case was a bit difficult because there was another bloke involved who had already been tried , and he went down for it. But we weren't allowed to know anything about his part in it ! For legal reasons. Anyway, on my jury case the girl basically said he did it ( btw, she was 15) and he said he did nothing but sit on the sofa all the time!!! But it was the finding of lacerations ************ which proved he was the culprit ! Sorry for the detail, but that's what you get in court cases

What was it about her attitude which makes you think she was asking for it? I'm not disputing, just interested to know.