Out of the mouths of babes

[angelina221]

My daughter asked me if I wanted some 'red and salted' crisps.
One day my husband was doing some DIY. All the doors were open and he was drilling some nails in the wall. My daughter kept running past him cos every time she did, he pointed the drill at her and turned it on and made a silly drill noise. My daughter was squealing with delight. She ran past for the umpteenth time and he didn't do it and so at the top of her voice, half laughing she said 'Try and screw me daddy, try and screw me'
Hubby looked at me in sheer horror and I had to make sure there was nobody walking past the house!

 

[gillian w]

I was in TK Maxx the other day wandering about and heard a little boy about 4 ask his mum if he could have a toy car he had in his hands.No she said its christmas soon.So he turned on the charm with pleeese mummy ill be really good.please.

Well that probably would have been enough to get it from me,but she was still adamant No put it back,the PLEASE then got louder and the NO got louder.

Well after 5 minutes i could hear this little boy shouting at the top of his voice filling the whole shop and sobbing and coughing I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT ...still didn't get it though.How i admired that women:biggrin:

 

[Pinkprincess73]

Omg nearly died laughing at that angelina x

 

[happyfeet]

Awww ladies i love these stories so funny.

When i was younger i was standing in long line of people waiting for the bus and turned to my poor mother and pointed at the graffiti'd wall next to us which had THE worst swear word ever on it, said the word at the top of my voice for everyone to hear and said mum what does it mean?!? Mum never did answer that but gave me the low angry whisper in my ear that shut me up till the bus came.

 

[VHunter]

OMG, my list goes on forever, where to start?

Ok, how about this past Friday.
Driving to the country on a highway, to take our dogs out for a playdate with our vet's 9 dogs, we were looking at horses along the way.
My eldest (now 10yrs) said "Oh Momma look at the stallion!"
I replied "Just because it's a black horse sweetie, doesn't mean it's a Stallion. Stallion's are boys and Mares are girls".
I paused to take a sip out of my travel mug and she spits out "how can you tell?"
Ummm I confess.... I did NOT want to answer that one!
Then my youngest (all of 8yrs) says "is it cause of the thingy dangling off it's bum?"
There went my coffee, down my shirt front while driving 100km/hr.

Another day...
In the dollar store when my eldest was about 4 or 5, my daughter looks ahead of us in the aisle and at the top of her lungs hollers out "MOMMA!! That lady has a BIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGG bum!"
Everyone cracked up and all I could think was "oh thank god, I think she's french and doesn't understand" cause the woman never turned around.

Another day, at Wallmart, Mereena was 3.
We walked through a section of lamps, lights, and................... clocks.
Yes, yes she said it.
As we passed a mock-grandfather clock, Mereena exclaimed
"OHHHH Momma! Look at the BIG C**k! Isn't that a pretty c**k?" (I could hear snickers and gasps and chuckles in neighboring aisles) I wanted to die!
I then LOUDLY said (very carefully enunciating) "it's a CLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOCK Mereena, a Grandfather CLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLock!" lol

 

[nailnewbie32]

My daughter asked me if I wanted some 'red and salted' crisps.
One day my husband was doing some DIY. All the doors were open and he was drilling some nails in the wall. My daughter kept running past him cos every time she did, he pointed the drill at her and turned it on and made a silly drill noise. My daughter was squealing with delight. She ran past for the umpteenth time and he didn't do it and so at the top of her voice, half laughing she said 'Try and screw me daddy, try and screw me'
Hubby looked at me in sheer horror and I had to make sure there was nobody walking past the house!

That honestly sounds like something that would happen in my house!





I was standing in a queue one day and my youngest who was about 3 at the time said to me ' mammy why is that woman so black?' I replied 'because she is' at this stage I was going through 15 shades of red, but him being 3 didn't accept that answer. So he asked again, I said ' well why does your sister have red hair and you have brown? because everyone is different, if everyone looked the same we wouldn't know who was who!' He insisted on the really black road. Thankfully the woman turned around in a fit of giggles and said it had made her day. I apologised to her and she said don't be silly! Unfortunately she had been called worse and knew it was just a baby being curious.

I could have died though.

 

[VHunter]

My daughter asked me if I wanted some 'red and salted' crisps.
One day my husband was doing some DIY. All the doors were open and he was drilling some nails in the wall. My daughter kept running past him cos every time she did, he pointed the drill at her and turned it on and made a silly drill noise. My daughter was squealing with delight. She ran past for the umpteenth time and he didn't do it and so at the top of her voice, half laughing she said 'Try and screw me daddy, try and screw me'
Hubby looked at me in sheer horror and I had to make sure there was nobody walking past the house!

LMFAO that's hilarious!

 

[chocolatepickle]

When i was waiting to be discharged from hospital having given birth to my second son I was in the waiting area of a discharge room. My 3 year old was with me and his dad and my sister.
Sitting having a cuddle i said to him, "now the baby's not in my belly we can play better again, I can carry you. Look thats your baby brother, he came out from my belly" He then, looking puzzled lifted up my top (in front of everyone) and pointed at then poked my just-given-birth jelly belly and said "but mummy your still fat!?" I giggled at his honesty which then made him belly laugh as he points "look mummy your fat bellys wobbling!" :o

He's always coming out with some great one liners.

 

[Kathryn Alys]

A little while ago we were sitting at the table eating dinner and a Thomas toy makes a noise in the toy box so Oliver (3) says mummy I can hear Thomas... Then Liam (6) says what Thomas the wank engine! Trying not to laugh while telling them off.

Liam comes home from school mummy I made a new friend today he's new that's great sweetie what's his name Liam says I can't remember but he's got brown lips and brown skin and brown hair and if he lived in the jungle he would be camouflaged.
😃

 

[Planky1]

Oh my, I could write a book with the amount of funny stuff my boy has come out with and how I wish I had written them all down. BUT the best one by far has got to be.....

F was going through a phase of constantly holding in when he needed a wee and so would do a lot of winky squeezing So, one day, he was stood talking to me and squeezing again:

Me: F, do you need a wee?

F: No Mummy

Me: Then why are you squeezing your winky, go on, off you go

F: I don't need a wee Mummy, I'm just squeezing it to cheer it up a bit

OMG I laughed for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And one more, on the train coming back from his modelling comp last week, he asked to play I spy and I was to go first. So I said something beginning with W. He looked around and said WANK? at the top of his voice. I completely lost it, as did most of the people on the train

 

[McKendrick22]

These are hilarious! My godson has just turned 2 and comes away with some crackers. The most recent one has to be when his dad is playing with a remote control helicopter which Nathan loves he goes:
'ooooh look look! A c*ck a c*ck! Daddys c*ck!'
Have to keep telling him its a plane to rate embarrassment Haha.

Or along the same lines when i see him and have my tunic on he loves to play with my fob watch and take the rubber bit off but to let me know he tugs at it going 'c*ck please' its now just a watch lol

Vicki xx
Sent from my GT-I9100 using SalonGeek

 

[HWilliams]

We used to go to Greenwich Park SE10 quite often... This particular day, mum and I were in the Park Cafe having tea and cake with my sister who was 7 at the time and my brother who was 5.

A lady of Afro descent walked in, she had a completely shaved head and was of quite large build, dressed in a long, floaty frock with Dr Martin boots on.

To be honest, none of us noticed til my brother pointed at her and said quite loudly, "mum, why is that man wearing a dress?"

 

[Pinkprincess73]

Oh my, I could write a book with the amount of funny stuff my boy has come out with and how I wish I had written them all down. BUT the best one by far has got to be.....

F was going through a phase of constantly holding in when he needed a wee and so would do a lot of winky squeezing So, one day, he was stood talking to me and squeezing again:

Me: F, do you need a wee?

F: No Mummy

Me: Then why are you squeezing your winky, go on, off you go

F: I don't need a wee Mummy, I'm just squeezing it to cheer it up a bit

OMG I laughed for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And one more, on the train coming back from his modelling comp last week, he asked to play I spy and I was to go first. So I said something beginning with W. He looked around and said WANK? at the top of his voice. I completely lost it, as did most of the people on the train

Oh planky that's hilarious x

 

[kattyj]

My children were at their dads for the weekend and the 6 year old wanted a wee but his new step mum was in the bath, she said he could quickly go when he turned to her and asked why she was fat, she said it's because I've had a baby (well over a year ago). So my son replies, well my mum has had 2 babies and she's not fat!!

I had to tell him he shouldnt say things like that but couldn't help but giggle!!

 

[StephR]

Why is it when you want to remember these things you never can? Should have written them down!

Anyway ones I can remember are my daughter aged no more than 18 months yelling boobies at the top of her voice in tescos!

At the age of 3 she was asking why that lady was the colour of chocolate. Myself and my mum wanted the ground to swallow us up but the lady just turned around and said that's the nicest way anyone has ever put it! Lol

She's nearly 9 now and still calls high heel shoes "hee highles"

My lil man is 2 1/2 and his favourite thing at the moment is to scream help me, help me at the top of his voice when he is playing or I'm trying to strap him into the stroller!

 

[HWilliams]

My son Anthony rushed to his step grandad on their last visit and caught him in the balls... My stepdad said "mind my balls!" and now every time they talk on the phone Anthony says, "hello grandad, mind my balls"

Anthony fell from his cot earlier in the year so I rushed him straight to casualty dept. He still tells everyone the 'hostible' fixed his head.

He calls our cat's tail a tinky even though I tell him it's a tail and Georgie doesn't have a tinky co's she's a girl cat.

Best one was our last bath together... I love bathing with him but he's a nuisance so can't do it anymore. When he was newborn it was so bonding to have his tiny body in my arms while I chilled in the bath but now it's like being in a washing machine, me, him, toys so I stopped it but the very last time, he was in the bath and I was behind him. I asked him for a hug and as he turned he glimpsed my rather unkempt lady garden.

He backed away in horror and said "what's that" so I said it's just mummy's lady bits, mummy will cover it up with a flannel" he looked at me, looked away and whispered with utter contempt, "disgusting"

I felt awful but I just couldn't stop laughing...

I told my husband and he just rolled up!

It can stay unkempt need the warmth this winter!

 

[kimi1101]

I asked my mum what getting raped was in asda. She said we will talk about it later, and I said well, we don't need to talk about it, is it to do with sex though? Is it a bad thing? And continued to pester her until she told me.

I also used to think it was vigenar and that 12.45 was quarter past half past 12.

 

[chocolatepickle]

Best one was our last bath together... I love bathing with him but he's a nuisance so can't do it anymore. When he was newborn it was so bonding to have his tiny body in my arms while I chilled in the bath but now it's like being in a washing machine, me, him, toys so I stopped it but the very last time, he was in the bath and I was behind him. I asked him for a hug and as he turned he glimpsed my rather unkempt lady garden.

He backed away in horror and said "what's that" so I said it's just mummy's lady bits, mummy will cover it up with a flannel" he looked at me, looked away and whispered with utter contempt, "disgusting"

I felt awful but I just couldn't stop laughing...

I told my husband and he just rolled up!

It can stay unkempt need the warmth this winter!

:lol::lol:

these are all so funny!

 

[andrea27]

I don't have my own kids but I am a nanny for a 2 and 4year old. The other day I got him to practise his ABC so he goes A is for ant, B is for book, C is for car and F is for f..k!
I tried so hard not to laugh because he said it so genuinely.
I know this shouldn' t be too funny but I thought it was hilarious at the time.

 

[VHunter]

Liam comes home from school mummy I made a new friend today he's new that's great sweetie what's his name Liam says I can't remember but he's got brown lips and brown skin and brown hair and if he lived in the jungle he would be camouflaged.
��

OMG LMFAO
I was in line at a grocery store one time, and Mereena struck again (how come it's never Cailin??) Mereena was probably about 5 at the time. We were in line, and this fellow behind us was VERY VERY VERY dark skinned...almost like tar. She looks at him, tips her head to the side and says "how come he isn't white like normal people?" I ALMOST DIED!!
(what I don't understand is that her cousin is Mullato and she has island-pals that are dark skinned... so she should have been used to seeing it?)
Anyway, he had a nasty expression on his face.
I said to her "well, you know how Momma has green eyes and you have blue ones and Nana has brown?" She answered "yes?". I then said "well, it's because if we were all the same colour, it would be boring. Same with red hair, blonde hair, black hair. Then there's different skin colours" She smiles and says "oooooooooooooooh ok, like a rainbow?". I chuckled and said "yes, something like that".
The gentleman behind us still looked rather mad. What else could I have done?

My children were at their dads for the weekend and the 6 year old wanted a wee but his new step mum was in the bath, she said he could quickly go when he turned to her and asked why she was fat, she said it's because I've had a baby (well over a year ago). So my son replies, well my mum has had 2 babies and she's not fat!!

I had to tell him he shouldnt say things like that but couldn't help but giggle!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yup, I've experienced that one! My kids don't understand why I'm tiny after 2 babies and my friends who've only had one each are a little on the bigger side....
How does one explain that?