Relationship help, please

[Hausofhana]

Okay, this is really hard for me but here goes...

Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half after meeting through a mutual friend. I fell so hard for him because he was so cool, own house, car and he's a gorgeous dj. I couldn't believe someone so perfect would like someone like me!!

When we first stated being intimate, I would notice he would sometimes be unable to 'perform' as it were. But we kept trying and had a good routine for a few months. But then it changed. Since about last August, il be lucky if I get it once a month.

To begin with, I would try hard to get him interested, and the constant rejection made me feel worse than ever, as I've never had this problem before with men. It would be 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' and when I tried to dress sexy he smiled at me and continued to watch the tv. It made me HATE myself, I was so embarrassed.

Since that I've stopped trying, purely because I'm far too sensitive to take constant rejection. I know he has a drive as I've seen his Internet history and he does occasionally view porn and that... So is it just me???


He is affectionate and tells me he loves me but NO SEX. It never really bothered me until recently as I think to myself why do I put up with it when there are so many men who would step over their mothers for a night with me? (lol) We live together and my life would be very difficult if we were to break up.

I'm not sure if its worth it if this is gonna be what its like for the rest of the relationship. We can't talk because he gets embarrassed, says he will change but doesn't. I feel defeated, unwanted and unattractive.

Please give me your advice girls, I have noone to talk to about it and I hope some of you lovely ladies can give me your view on the matter.

Thanks c

 

[tanfastic]

Oh sweetie, I am sorry to hear you are having troubles epecially when starting your own business, studying and trying to make a better life for yourself. This is difficult and if after only one year together you are already having such problems it might be worth taking a step back and re-evaluating. Are you living with him, him with you or did you get a new place together? If he is living at yours I would strongly suggest a trial sepration, they never realize what they have until they have lost it. My husband never appreciates me as much as when he thinks I have had enough of him and am ready to walk.

I know we get to the age and the stage in our lives where we don't really wan to be playing these immature games anymore but some men get a bit complacent.

I am so sorry to ask this and I fully understand if you do not want to answer but do you think, feel or suspect that he may be cheating? As a DJ they do get a lot of offers ( a friend of mine used to be engaged to one, so I know the DJ culture) and maybe he is just a bit weak on willpower but loves you.

You are going to have to get to the bottom of this and do you know what lovey? Life is short!!!!! Spend it with people that love, respect and idolise you. You are special and deserve the best life can give. If he doesn't make you feel special most of the time ( we all have our bad days or weeks ) then you will be so much better off and happier when you are fully appreciated.

On the other hand, how old is he, do you think he may be having medical issues? He might really be embarrassed and feeling pressurised. Sit him down, force feed him some wine and a good meal and talk, remind him that you love him for him not for his performance but this needs sorting or you will need to re-think your situation ( in a very loving diplomatic manner of course) Maybe he really is just suffering from stress and anxiety issues instead and a good holiday or a drunken feast might put your world to rights. LOL

Big hugs to you.

Hope it works out

 

[Pika]

So what if he gets embarrassed?! Does he realise how it makes you feel? You need to talk to each other, he may be stressed with work, money? I completely lost my sex drive after starting to suffer with panic attacks, and like your boyfriend...I was too tired, not in the mood, etc. but my fella made me talk. That was a big weight of my shoulders once be knew the actual reason, he stopped keeping on and let me go to him

 

[Hausofhana]

I know he's not cheating, he doesn't dj anymore and he always came home on time etc when he did, trust problems are fortunately one issue we don't have!! I live with him in his house, I could move back into my parents but it's easier said than done.

Hes 25, and he's been to the doctor who said its psychological not medical. He's lost 2 jobs, struggles terribly with money and found out his mum has cancer since I met him, but this all came about before a lot of those things happened.

At this moment in time I just want to stay away from him because I don't have the energy to argue about this yet again. These are problems I should be having at 90 not 19!!!

Maybe having a break would be the best thing.

 

[*Lisa-Marie*]

I agree a good long heart to heart sorts us out when we're in a rough patch and you may find it is something so silly and fixable. You just need to tell him that its making you feel like crap and let him know that you're doubting the relationship because of it, it may be the kick up the arse he needs? Hope you get it sorted hun such a gut renching feeling xxx

 

[Karren]

id suggest a therapist for him ... sounds like he needs some help and no matter how much you/we go on at our partners if there's a situation like this and frustrating for us .. sometimes we are not the ones to be able to help them

i think he needs just a few sessions (first will always be hard and uncomfortable) but its not about the sex i suspect but other things on his mind etc and pressure has probably now built up for him/you both making it difficult to perform shall we say

ive a couple of therapist clients and they see similar things all the time, what needs addressing is other things that maybe playing on his mind too ... and in time maybe you go to a therapist together

try that first rather than giving up on him id say, if everything else is good, the longer you leave it the more frustrating and resentful even it may become for both of you

i do feel for you, its difficult when someone cant / doesnt open up ... he may not even know what the problem is .. maybe an accumulation or something he doesnt realise and its just spun out of control

kxx

 

[tanfastic]

I know he's not cheating, he doesn't dj anymore and he always came home on time etc when he did, trust problems are fortunately one issue we don't have!! I live with him in his house, I could move back into my parents but it's easier said than done.

Hes 25, and he's been to the doctor who said its psychological not medical. He's lost 2 jobs, struggles terribly with money and found out his mum has cancer since I met him, but this all came about before a lot of those things happened.

At this moment in time I just want to stay away from him because I don't have the energy to argue about this yet again. These are problems I should be having at 90 not 19!!!

Maybe having a break would be the best thing.

The minute you end up argueing again you are losing the battle. If he is having all these problems he needs to get de-stressed. At 19 though do you want to have to live with his issues at times of stress? The question is do you love him more than you love yourself. He MUST be prepared to help himself but maybe living together with the constant worry and expectations on him is making him stress. If you really need a little break I say take it. Cant you go away for a week or two to visit friends in a different county or do a training course away from home? It could give you that break and time to see things in a different perspective.

 

[PixieBeauty]

Ok, I'm sorry to do the whole 'this was my experience' thing but I feel it's relevant.

My ex fiancé was the same. Yes I can't believe we were prepared to get married given we had no sex life for about the last 2 yrs of a 5 yr relationship but we were best buds & loved each other to bits. He had a terrible addiction (IMO) to online porn & chat rooms - all hidden from me. Turned out eventually he had started cheating on me with a girl at work for the last year.

As we broke up I realised what a mess he had become emotionally. He had never dealt with his mum dying at the start of our relationship & the fact his dad was an alcoholic when he was a kid & ended up being sectioned. On the outside he seemed totally fine, just no sex. We ended up going to a therapist together (for him, not 'us') and it ALL came out. He had just turned so far in on himself he didn't know what he was doing. I also suspect he was very depressed.

I'm only saying all this as I recognise a lot of what you've said, and there was no way anyone would've predicted all this was going on (Internet porn & cheating etc). In fact not one of our friends believed me till he told them himself, it was all so hidden.

I guess I'm trying to say there's probably a lot more underneath when you start unravelling the problem. I recommend a good sex/relationship therapist as a start (Relate are excellent.)

Sorry if I've said anything out of line xxx

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Sorry you're so unhappy.
I think there are 3 possible scenarios, none of which are your "fault".
He may be having psychological or medical problems, or he may be struggling with his sexual orientation.
Hope it all works out well for you both.

 

[Only-me]

Oh dear bless you...
Do you know that there are specialist 'sex' therapists out there, I'm sure if YOU speak with your own doctor that you trust you can be referred and possibly your other half will eventually come too, as this is now affecting you.
I bet he hopes he can sort this too and if you are the one to help think how you will both feel ( especially if you see each other as 'the one'), you both need to decide how important your relationship is and once you've made that first step he will be more embarrassed he didn't go sooner!
Think of all the fun closeness you will regain in the process - what have you got to lose ? Only each other? X

 

[Jocie]

Hey sugar thats horrible and there is absolutly no reason to be ashamed. a lot of people dont know this about me but my husband and I relationship the first few years was a tough one. He had a lotta drug, family and alcohol problems and I had just turned 19 and he was 24. I struggled for so long paying the bills myself with an ungratful slib at home and I finally got sick of it and kicked him out. He came around 3 weeks later bagging for help. I gave it one last shot and he went to universaty became a marine biolagist got off the drugs and is finally taking care of me. Im 22 years old now and it was such a long road with a lot of matanice along the way. I love him so much and have the best husband in the world but I was so tired and almost hated him for a while. We are fantastic now no complaints and I have never been happier but it took a lot of therapy and time.

I would never do it again though I look back and I couldnt belive how desprate I was to change him and save him....it took him taking a good hard look at himself to change him. Do what you need to do but remeber its only him who can fix this there is no way you could ever be pretty, nice, skinny enough to change him. The problem is him not you. I have found this out first hand. So think long and hard if you are ready to take his issues on and wait for him to change.
(i hope no one thinks im speaking horribly about my husband I love him more than anyone in the world and im so thankful for him )

I hope you figure everything out! Xoxo
Lotsa love jocie

 

[Hausofhana]

We had a long talk last night and got a lot sorted out except this issue which he can't really come to a conclusion about. I suggested we go to see a therapist, there's a psychosexual therapist in my area who is £35 a session but he laughed and said we are too young for that.
But after quite a lot of prompting, he admitted to me he had still been 'having fun time alone' shall we say, so I know he still has a sex drive.. It feels like we are in a bad bad rut more than anything.

So although we sorted every other underlying issue, this is one that still isn't quite resolved. What do you guys think of going to a therapist about this?

Thankyou so much for your help, it means so much to me and I'm so grateful that there is a site like this where I can finally talk to someone x

 

[Hausofhana]

Also, we are going out on a 'date' tonight so hopefully I will get some tonight! Lol x

 

[GlamourEyes11]

Also, we are going out on a 'date' tonight so hopefully I will get some tonight! Lol x

I will write a more in depth reply later, as I'm manic this morning! But...

Good luck for tonight I hope you he finds you totally irresistible tonight and you get some and it's worth the wait lol Make sure you're 'well groomed' haha

XxxxX

P.S. on a serious note, I will reply later when I have more time xxx

 

[PixieBeauty]

Re the therapist question- that's exactly what they are there for. What they'll do is work with both of you then if it turns out there's a deeper problem with just one person they'll have a few sessions with them alone. Age isn't a factor & if there is something that could be worked on its better to do it now & go on to have a fuller life, basically!

It's great you can communicate & just have fun tonight with no pressure xxx

 

[tanfastic]

My husband also refuses to get any advice or therapy for anything. Only from his parents. Thank God they love me to bits and almost always take my side if we are having problems or arguments( After 20 years you do get problems believe me!) So I feel for you when he is being stubborn about seeking help. I really think it is probably pride and shame. Guys dont like to admit their failings. Good luck hun and try not to put too much pressure or have any high expectations tonight. Just enjoy the moment, enjoy spending some relaxing and fun time together. Sometimes we need to re connect with each other. Bills, Mortgages, work, family issues etc all get in the way sometimes and we forget what we first fell in love with so go out there tonight and remind him of the person he fell in love with and chose to be with.
He will probably be quite nervous and feel the pressure of needing to perform so try to be relaxed about it all. If it happens it happens, if not at least you have taken the first step towards healing the rift.

Big hug to you

 

[Only-me]

If you've been able to talk that's a good sign - why not say to him give it a trial for a month, and if he doesn't like it then he doesn't have to go.... Bet he will though as he must know it affects you too..plus you won't always be in the room at the same time I think they see you individually too
They deal will all ages, when at social services years ago they saw teenagers that had 'issues', ask him to have one appt and see how it goes or you book an appt on your own then book another for both of you? Good luck and enjoy tonight x

 

[laurakate]

Okay, this is really hard for me but here goes...

Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half after meeting through a mutual friend. I fell so hard for him because he was so cool, own house, car and he's a gorgeous dj. I couldn't believe someone so perfect would like someone like me!!

When we first stated being intimate, I would notice he would sometimes be unable to 'perform' as it were. But we kept trying and had a good routine for a few months. But then it changed. Since about last August, il be lucky if I get it once a month.

To begin with, I would try hard to get him interested, and the constant rejection made me feel worse than ever, as I've never had this problem before with men. It would be 'I'm tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' and when I tried to dress sexy he smiled at me and continued to watch the tv. It made me HATE myself, I was so embarrassed.

Since that I've stopped trying, purely because I'm far too sensitive to take constant rejection. I know he has a drive as I've seen his Internet history and he does occasionally view porn and that... So is it just me???


He is affectionate and tells me he loves me but NO SEX. It never really bothered me until recently as I think to myself why do I put up with it when there are so many men who would step over their mothers for a night with me? (lol) We live together and my life would be very difficult if we were to break up.

I'm not sure if its worth it if this is gonna be what its like for the rest of the relationship. We can't talk because he gets embarrassed, says he will change but doesn't. I feel defeated, unwanted and unattractive.

Please give me your advice girls, I have noone to talk to about it and I hope some of you lovely ladies can give me your view on the matter.

Thanks c

I wouldn't continue a relationship if it made me feel like this.

I have been in a relationship like this before (quite a few actually) and it took a lot of work to get me back to feeling better about myself.

I understand and appreciate that everybody has different needs but to ignore you and stay staring at the tv when you're making an effort to me, is hurtful and unacceptable.

I would ask myself if it was the sex or the way he made me feel in general that was the problem. It sounds like it might be the latter and if it was me, I would leave.

You only get one life and even though ending a relationship can be very scary (especially if it will effect your living circumstances), you have to think about what will make you happy in the long run.

 

[Hausofhana]

I wouldn't continue a relationship if it made me feel like this.

I have been in a relationship like this before (quite a few actually) and it took a lot of work to get me back to feeling better about myself.

I understand and appreciate that everybody has different needs but to ignore you and stay staring at the tv when you're making an effort to me, is hurtful and unacceptable.

I would ask myself if it was the sex or the way he made me feel in general that was the problem. It sounds like it might be the latter and if it was me, I would leave.

You only get one life and even though ending a relationship can be very scary (especially if it will effect your living circumstances), you have to think about what will make you happy in the long run.

I understand, I try to remind myself that it is his issue and not mine. I know I'm attractive enough, when I go out I get offers and bought drinks etc, and I have loving parents who always keep my self esteem healthy.

I think a therapist is the way forward. Might bring it up at dinner tonight, hopefully it doesn't kill the mood, eeeek. Xxx

 

[andrea27]

Could it be that he has an addiction to porn sites? You mentioned that he told you "he is having fun time alone" maybe that is enough for him? Porn addiction can have an extreme impact on a relationship.
I am really sorry I don't mean to hurt you but it is unacceptable the way he is behaving. I really hope you manage to sort it out together and good luck tonight.