Broken trust

[princess fifi]

HELLO EVERYONE

JUST WANTED A BIT OF ADVICE AND OPINIONS ON A PERSONAL LEVEL.

ONE OF MY CLOSE FRIEND RECENTLY CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND OF 8 YEARS.


THE WORST PART IS THAT IT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN ONE DAY. SHE ACTUALLY
PLANNED IT.

A FEW YEARS BEFORE SHE ACTUALLY CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND WE WENT FOR A WALK & SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD A CRUSH ON ONE OF HER TEACHERS. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF OH A HARMLESS CRUSH AND KIND OF JOKED ABOUT IT.

THEN A YEAR LATER SHE JOINED THE MAGAZINE AS A EDITOR AND THE TEACHER SHE HAD A CRUSH ON WAS THE MAIN PERSON IN CHARGE OF THE MAGAZINE AND THE ONE WHO ASKED HER TO BE THE EDITOR . THEY STARTED FORMING A RELATIONSHIP. HER HUSBAND KIND OF CAUGHT ON( I THINK) THAT SOMETHING MIGHT BE GOING ON, SO HE TOOK HER ON A HOLIDAY OVERSEAS FOR AROUND 4 MONTHS. WHEN THEY CAME BACK FROM OVERSEAS, SHE WENT TO SEE THIS TEACHER TO TELL HIM ALL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY, THIS TEACHER WAS ALSO IN A RELATIONSHIP OF 8 YEARS ALTHOUGH NOT MARRIED TO THE LADY HE WAS WITH.

ANYWAY THEY ENDED UP SLEEPING TOGETHER AND WHEN SHE TOLD ME I JUST CRINGED. HER HUSBAND WAS THE SWEETEST GUY, YOU COULD TELL HE REALLY LOVED HER THE WAY HE LOOKED AT HER, ALWAYS GAVE HER HEAPS OF HUGS AND ATTENTION, COOKED FOR HER ETC ETC.

GETTING TO THE POINT I FEEL AS THOUGH SHE SCHEMED THIS WHOLE THING, SHE CAN BE MANIPULATIVE AT TIMES, I KNOW THIS AS WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR MANY YEARS. I REALLY THINK SHE THOUGHT HER HUSBAND WOULD TAKE HER BACK NO MATTER WHAT, BUT THIS WAS NOT THE CASE IN THE END.

I FEEL AS THOUGH IF SHE CAN DO THIS TO HER HUSBAND WHO LOVED HER SO MUCH, AND SHE CAN DO THIS WHEN SHE KNEW THAT THE TEACHER WAS ALSO INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND NOT FEEL BADLY ABOUT IT, THEN SHE IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.

I HAVE BEEN TOLD SHE IS A HOME WRECKER DON'T INVITE HER TO YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE AND THAT YOU DON'T INVITE TROUBLE INTO YOUR LIFE.

I AM MARRIED AND ALTHOUGH I TRUST MY PARTNER I DON'T WANT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT HER EVEN TRYING ANYTHING OR PLANNING ANYTHING IN HER MIND TO RUIN MY MARRIAGE.

SHE HAS INVITED ME TO HER PARTY IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO, OR EVEN BOTHER CALLING HER ANYMORE. I FEEL
SAD THAT THE FRIENDSHIP IS DAMAGED ALTHOUGH SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW I FEEL ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS DONE.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

 

[jonailtech]

sorry hun but i think your being a little silly this has nothing to do with you, and also not really any of your business! she is your friend and you should stick by her.. and unless she has already done something that indicates she is going to try it on with your husband i wouldnt worry too much.. you never know what is going on in a marriage it obviously was not perfect and how do you know that her husband was so nice to her behind closed doors, it is awfull that she had an affair and that her husband got hurt and that her lovers wife got hurt but i really dont see where you come into all this.. if one of my friends did this i would not ditch them i would still be there friend even if i didnt agree with what they did and if she was a really good friend you should be able to tell her that you think what she did was awfull, and try and get it out in the open.. im not trying to sound harsh hun but i just think you should keep out of it.

 

[kylieb]

Oh hun it is a hard one. You trust your partner enough for him to tell you if she did try anything on with him, im guessing?
It depends on how much you value her friendship. It would be a shame to loose a friend that you have known for so many years just over something she has done.

If it was me I would probably still be friends with her she hasn't actually done anything to you personally. And I would just tell her my opinion on what she has done.

I really dont agree with people cheating, even more so when they are married.
My sister has just split up with her husband of 25 years due to some little s****** wrecking it for her. Of course it just not her fault.

I think you need to go with your instincts on this one.
Best of luck hun xxx

 

[jonailtech]

Oh hun it is a hard one. You trust your partner enough for him to tell you if she did try anything on with him, im guessing?
It depends on how much you value her friendship. It would be a shame to loose a friend that you have known for so many years just over something she has done.

If it was me I would probably still be friends with her she hasn't actually done anything to you personally. And I would just tell her my opinion on what she has done.

I really dont agree with people cheating, even more so when they are married.
My sister has just split up with her husband of 25 years due to some little s****** wrecking it for her. Of course it just not her fault
I think you need to go with your instincts on this one.
Best of luck hun xxx

i also dont agree with cheating i think if someones not happy they should finish the relationship as it is alot harder to get over it when there is someone else involved.. it is hard but like kylie said it would be a shame to lose a good friend over this. and sorry to hear about what happened to your sister kylie it must be very hard for her, and all of the family having to see her go through it!

 

[Martin Duffy]

I personally would have nothing to do with her anymore - people's behaviours come out of their own standards, and I have little time for people whose standard's are so low. If people are fed up with their partner, then they should just end it & start a new relationship, but as people seem to be so greedy & selfish nowdays in all aspects of their life they seem to think they can take what they want for their own self-fulfillment & to hell with everyone else.

I've seen this kind of thing so many times & it devestates peoples lives. There's also the whole sexual health issue - if you think you're partner is monogamous it must be rather worrying to find they've been putting it about elsewhere.

I personally like to surround myself with people who have some level of decency, I certainly wouldn't want to waste time keeping company with those whose actions I despise.

 

[Violet Star]

Friendships & Relationships are completely different matters. I would still be her friend as what goes on in her love life is upto her, perhaps she just isnt too commited to relationships? But its very different to being friends with her. She hasnt done anything wrong to you, so really you dont have any reason to not be friends with her. I know cheating is very wrong and she shouldnt have done it but then its her life and she will have to deal with what happens.

Its like if i dumped my partner i wouldnt expect my friends to go aswell incase i dump them and dont want to assosiate with them.

I do think you need to be there for her, everyone makes mistakes and this is her mistake she will learn from it.

x

 

[princess fifi]

Thanks for your replies, its really helpful to get other opinions. Sorry to hear about your sister, its the worst feeling in the world when that happens. My very first boyfriend did that to me, you know how first loves are, i was totally smitten with him, then found him with another woman. i think i never go over it.

I just can't help but think, usually nobody sees it coming until its to late, there are so many instances where best friends cheat with each others partners, I feel as though if I know she is that way inclined and anything did happen then I am the stupid one for letting her in my life.

I did invite her over for dinner a few weeks ago now and we went into my treatment room ( i work from home) for a quick eyebrow wax, she began telling me how she is now dating 4 men at once.

We are just at different stages in our life now, when we were both married it was different, but now she is wild and single obviously.

I trust my husband, but i think when you know your friend is capable of these things, there will be lack of trust, and that is not friendship to me.

 

[Kim Lawless]

The affair has nothing tro do with you. That's between her and her husband.

However, you said that she's manilulative so I think that's good enough reason to kick her to the kerb as a friend. xxx

 

[collin]

The affair has nothing tro do with you. That's between her and her husband.

However, you said that she's manilulative so I think that's good enough reason to kick her to the kerb as a friend. xxx

Agreed ...her personel relationships need to be seperate from the friendship relationship she has with you...of course you might want to rethink your friendship relationship based on your personel views on her nature.

Probably best and safer to distance yourself from this individual as this might be safer for you in the long term :hug:

 

[chantell simone]

i would say you have to tell her how you really feel but at the same time as a friend you should try not to be too judgemental

 

[angelina221]

I agree with people here that it's no-ones business what goes on in someone elses marriage. If you trust your partner then you have nothing to worry about. Your friends character obviously bothers you else you wouldn't have posted on here. If her character is interfering with your friendship then maybe it's best to have a chat with her to let her know how you feel.
I think with any friend, there is always going to be some quirk you don't like but you just have to accept that that is what they are like and theyre probably not going to change and it's easier to accept it than drive yourself mad thinking about.
I'm sure most of my friends will tell you i'm stubborn, intolerant, flippant and sarcastic but bless them they put up with me cos on the other side of the coin, i'm absolutely fab!!

 

[Terese]

An interesting thought as I was reading this...if you were involved buisness with her, then it would make you have the need to be more aware,

Of course, you more so than us reading this will know what their marriage was like...but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

What would I do.....as she is a longstanding friend, we all make mistakes in life.....Has she made a habit of doing this? Done this more than once the whole time youve known her? If the answer is no then I would reavaluate and give her the benefit of the doubt as you have known her for so long and its not directly aimed or really involves you.

If she has made a habit out of sleeping with various people the whole time youve known her, youve known about them but kept shtumn then why are you thinking like this now?

She may have moved away from this person with her husband, the marriage may have been in trouble before moving for a variety of reasons....maybe they are not in love anymore, drifted apart etc....but true love will hold no barriers and if she is with him now...then who knows!

Only the people involved know why.....manipulative is a difficult one as it doesnt appear (imo)she has been manipulative in any way, has she asked you to lie for any reason?......devious she may be yes, but not manipulative.

For anyone reading this...the agony aunt is open, pm me with your relationship questions..lol I know replies abit heavy!

 

[princess fifi]

Thanks everyone for your views.

I will just keep my distance from her, like i have been doing, I will still be there for her if she needs me, and will most likely attend her party.

In response to Teresac she hasn't made a habit of sleeping with people as far as I know, this is why I was a bit shocked when she did what she did.
If she fell out of love or drifted apart she should have let him know before hand. She was manipulative in this situation & she has been in the past.

Dictionary version of manipulative:

1. Shrewd or devious management, especially for one's own advantage.

once again thanks heaps for your views it really helps.

 

[Lynne Baker]

Nothing more to add really. It's none of your business. As for being judgemental I think you can make it clear that you don't condone her behaviour and you will not cover for her/provide an alibi/etc.
As far as the husband being affectionate etc towards her, neither you nor anyone else has any idea of what's really going on in their marriage and there may well be many undisclosed reasons as to why she behaves the way she does. People will tell you only that which they want you to know. Re: the four men she's dating; people lie all the time, and clearly she's well practiced at it.

 

[jamieson]

you should talk to your friend and say what you feel..
and tell her what she've done..shes your friend you should stick to her
you have to realize to her what she've doing...
dont feel bad or something to her besides you should be a true friend to her....whether she cheat or done something its none of your business just talk to her and be a friend..!

 

[SkyeOwl]

From personal experience I would say that if she can do that to her husband then she will absolutely no hesitation in using you and spitting you out afterwards!
My (ex) best friend (and we are talking uber-super-duper bestest friend here) had an affair, and manipulated me into unwittingly covering for her, and when I found out the truth I was justifiably cross about it - her husband was a friend of mine too! When I tried to talk to her about it she turned on me too and told the most vicious lies about me to all our mutual friends - basically trying to turn everyone against me!
It was awful - so my advice is to either:
1. put up and shut up (whilst keeping a very close eye on her at all times)
or
2. keep well away (recommended)
Best of luck!
x

 

[minky]

Hi, this is a post from march lol x and it had some really interesting replies so I am guessing you will have made your mind up by now,
I was wondering as to what you decided to do ? and how it all went?

I myself probably would have taken on board all the warnings given by the people that actually know her and also the all the advise given on here toothen I would have probably cooled it with her,

can you let us know how you handled it and how you got on
as it must have been very difficult for you ? :hug: