How do you all deal with ex's with your kids?

[Bonkers]

Just wondered how everyone gets on with their ex partners and how they deal with things if they have children?

I have a 20mth old daughter and my ex has never really been involved either financially or taken any responsibility, In fact its often been 6 mths between visits, Recently I have come to the conclusion that if he wont pay anything to help me then he can start taking her out and being some sort of a father as I have no life and struggle to fit in treatments as well as being a full time single mother and dont get any time to myself or to socialise, getting babysitters is a nightmare, so now i think he should help out.

The thing is I cannot stand him and often when in his company have ally mcbeal thoughts of things happening to him such as cranes appearing and tipping him into bin or trains popping out of nowhere and mowing him over! etc etc. (im not a psycho honest he just winds me up by breathing)

Anyway yesterday I managed to spend 4 hrs in his company without saying anything nasty although i did bite my tongue so much im sure its now full of holes! And I think my daughter enjoyed his company.

Cheeky idiot he is! he even tried to get me into bed when she had a nap!!! Also spent time flirting with me to which I had to laugh and say as if! he even asked what colour thong i was wearing as my trousers were white although not really see through (quite thick material) and my thong was white for the record!! I think he still thinks he has some sort of rights to me although i have made it clear he did the dirty on me and it would never happen again (i gave him 3 chances)

Anyway how do others deal with their ex partners?

 

[Zo Zo]

Have you thought about going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau? Then they can point you in the right direction to sort out maintenance and access.

I have wicked evil fantasies about my ex coming to some sort of harm LOL but he has always given me maintenance and he does see our daughter regularly.

I personally think he should be helping you out financially and he should be seeing his daughter regularly. However, what you really need to do is meet a nice guy who takes you both on :hug:

 

[geeg]

I never normally get involved with posts in chit chat due to time but I have an ex and we had children so for what it is worth here goes.

1. No matter how much you want a private life and some social life I would not risk your child's welfare by leaving her in the care of a man who you say you detest and who has clearly shown that he has no interest in this child.

2. 20 months is plenty of time for this man to have shown an interest in your child. I do not think your child's 'seeming to enjoy his company' is an indication of anything other than the sociability of most young toddlers.

If you have the chance to ditch this person forever and keep him out of your child's life and your life I would do it. You would be doing both of you a favour. You are clearly not meant to be together so why on earth invite him in? It's nuts.

Do the right thing by your child and the right things will come to you.


My case was quite different. My Ex knew his children and always came to see them on a regular and frequent basis. Believe it or not, he and his wife and Simon and I are very good friends and spend time together; this has made things very easy for our children and it has been very healthy for them and their relationship with all of us (no taking sides and I have never spoken bad things about their father or his wife.)

It may sound like a fairy tale but it is all quite true. It didn't happen overnight but I think we always kept in mind what was best for the health of our children and not necessarily what we wanted just for ourselves. In the end, we got both.

 

[Bonkers]

yes i agree with you i just wondered if it was possible to get on with him, the csa have had no joy in 12 mths and are now getting very impatient with him, she is very sociable and its annoying as i put all the hard work in and he just strolls into her life and thinks that makes him a daddy!

I dont want to end up having some big thing in court as i have had letters off his solicitor saying he has rights to see her and im scared of losing in court, he has in the past denyed she is his and i paid for a dna test, and really can only be bothered when he feels guilty i just dont want her to blame me cos she doesnt have a dad when she is older.

My fantises of things happening to him to stretch very far but im trying to keep a lid on my own feelings and think of whats best for my daughter.

The cheeky swine even said cant you set me up with any of your fit mates?? HAHA! i wouldnt wish him on my worst enemy and i said that to him.

he dumped me for another girl when i was pregnant, told me to have a termination and then consider adoption and then denied paternity, and i had him back 3 times.

Glad some can get on with their ex's just wondered how you did it, Im trying but my patience is not the greatest!

 

[geeg]

yes i agree with you i just wondered if it was possible to get on with him, the csa have had no joy in 12 mths and are now getting very impatient with him, she is very sociable and its annoying as i put all the hard work in and he just strolls into her life and thinks that makes him a daddy!

I dont want to end up having some big thing in court as i have had letters off his solicitor saying he has rights to see her and im scared of losing in court, he has in the past denyed she is his and i paid for a dna test, and really can only be bothered when he feels guilty i just dont want her to blame me cos she doesnt have a dad when she is older.

My fantises of things happening to him to stretch very far but im trying to keep a lid on my own feelings and think of whats best for my daughter.

The cheeky swine even said cant you set me up with any of your fit mates?? HAHA! i wouldnt wish him on my worst enemy and i said that to him.

he dumped me for another girl when i was pregnant, told me to have a termination and then consider adoption and then denied paternity, and i had him back 3 times.

Glad some can get on with their ex's just wondered how you did it, Im trying but my patience is not the greatest!

Plenty of children have grown up healthy and happy without their bio dad being in the picture (that depends on you).

Plus it isn't healthy for you to be fantasizing about horrible negative things to do to him. Far more healthy to have him out of your life and not to think of him at all. Do you think when you feel so strongly about how much you detest him, that you won't communicate that to your child if he is around? Don't be fooled .. children sense everything.

I wouldn't take him or his monetary support. You have survived for 20 months without it. What leads you to believe that the next 20 months will be any different?

I'm sure you can do allot better for the 2 of you. He sounds like a looser to me. His actions show his character which is something that will not change. You've already given him 3 chances which makes me think you are a bit weak where he is concerned (not sure why). There are other blokes that can make you happy and be a good father to your child. Until you get him really out of your life you have little chance of meeting one or giving anyone else a chance.

 

[cami1977]

oh my god just read your post and was like reading about my ex - he split up with me when i was pregnant and went off with someone else too only reappearing when she was 8 months old and his relationship had finished after 3 years of putting up with him coming in and out of her life, never paying any sort of maintenance and thinking he was gods gift i finally snapped and told him exactly what i thought of him and that i had enough of him letting her down all the time, its one thing messing me about but was not prepared to let it happen to her - 4 years on and she has no contact with her dad at all apart from sometimes on her birthday and xmas he drops some sort of measly present round to my mum for her - as if that makes him some sort of super dad! i am now happy in a new relationship and my daughter is happy and well adjusted. She sometimes asks questions about her dad but has no interest in seeing him as her memories of him are just of him letting her down and not really showing interest in her. In hindsight i wish i had not let it go on so long with him coming in and out her life but at the time thought she needed her dad in her life. its sad that it ended up like this but its him thats missing out, i feel that some men (if you can call them that) are just not cut out to be fathers no matter what they dont have it in them - my ex if 13 years older than me so theres no hope of him growing up im afraid. god im going on a right rant now but this is very close to home.

 

[essentia]

Have to agree totally with Gigi - it is only worth it if he is going to be decent and supportive. I am married with a son but my niece went through a terrible time with her ex partner with their child. It did affect him. She eventually married and has a good partner and her son is now more stable. He sounds like he will always be messing with your mind and his flippant attitude towards seeing her and lack of financial support rings big alarm bells. Sometimes being a good parent means protecting her from those who should be closest. My own Father was hot and cold - he once pretended he did not know who I was (!)- I have not seen him for most of my life and I feel better for it.:hug:

 

[deanosnana]

My case was quite different. My Ex knew his children and always came to see them on a regular and frequent basis. Believe it or not, he and his wife and Simon and I are very good friends and spend time together; this has made things very easy for our children and it has been very healthy for them and their relationship with all of us (no taking sides and I have never spoken bad things about their father or his wife.)

It may sound like a fairy tale but it is all quite true. It didn't happen overnight but I think we always kept in mind what was best for the health of our children and not necessarily what we wanted just for ourselves. In the end, we got both.

I have a very similar situation! It was ugly (but not in front of the kids) in the beginning but things are much better now. My X has remarried and they have a daughter together. We are one big, happy family.

Mine were young (2 & 4) when we split and they are now 21 & 23. They have never heard me say a bad word about their father. I saved that kind of talk for my friends.

My X is not in the best of health these days and when I chat with his wife, I assure her he is in my prayers. +, I tell all my friends to put him on their prayer lists.

Tina and I always joke that he sure has great taste in women. LOL!!!

The bottom line is this: as parents, we HAVE to do the very best for our kids. We owe it to them and they DESERVE the best!

 

[kylieb]

I totally feel for you and had to laugh at the bit you put about the cranes appearing pmsl!!
I have a 7 year old little boy. His dad left me when he was 6 months old because 'he didnt want any commitments and wanting to go on the P*** every night' (least he was honest I suppose) He doesn't want anything to do with him, has never seen him since.
I tried to change his sir name back to mine and he wrote back to the solicitor and said no, he didn't agree to it being done.
As for child maintenance... don't get me started there! He was paying £82 per week to the CSA until he decided to have another child with his girlfriend. They now say because he supports another family that he doesn't have to pay for my son. GREAT I cant go around having 5 kids and say 'oh i'll pay for you but not you'.

I have since met a lovely man who my son calls 'daddy' He treats him like his own and you would never guess they are not blood related.
It seems really tough at the moment hun, I know, ive been there too. But it does get easier as they get older and they go out with friends and sleep over.Gives you a bit of a break. My biggest mistake was not letting myself rely on anyone, i'm a bit of a sod for that. There are people out there that want to help you hun, you just have to take it sometimes. And who knows a lovely chap may come along and sweep you off your feet.
Ps....where ever did this fathers don't have rights come from? They get too much blimming leeway xxx

 

[Zo Zo]

I personally don't think you should stop her seeing her Dad. You don't have to encourage it, and I don't think you should leave her alone with him as he must be almost a stranger to her, but at the end of the day, as she grows up she will want to know about him, and denying her the right to see him would be wrong (in my opinion )

He sounds very immature, but he may change. And he is her Dad.

I am a single parent too and it can be very hard, especially when they are little. Your life will become easier when she goes to school. It would be really nice if you met someone nice who accepted her and understood your situation. My last boyfriend (of 5 years) totally accepted my daughter and understood that whatever we did, it had to include her, which meant days out, meals out, holidays, nights in, everything revolved round her.

 

[geeg]

I personally don't think you should stop her seeing her Dad. You don't have to encourage it, and I don't think you should leave her alone with him as he must be almost a stranger to her, but at the end of the day, as she grows up she will want to know about him, and denying her the right to see him would be wrong (in my opinion )

He sounds very immature, but he may change. And he is her Dad.

I am a single parent too and it can be very hard, especially when they are little. Your life will become easier when she goes to school. It would be really nice if you met someone nice who accepted her and understood your situation. My last boyfriend (of 5 years) totally accepted my daughter and understood that whatever we did, it had to include her, which meant days out, meals out, holidays, nights in, everything revolved round her.

We'll have to disagree on this one.

This so called 'dad' has shown no interest in seeing or supporting the child so she wouldn't exactly be stopping him from seeing her as he has shown no desire to see her in 20 months!!.

I agree she should never be left alone with him under any circumstances at the moment. There is no reason to trust that he has her best interests at heart in any way. More interested in getting his end away if he thinks he has a chance.

Unless there is some real advantage for this child at this point I would not encourage his participation in her life.

This is why I don't get involved in threads like this ... I'm done. :hug: Good luck.

 

[champagne]

My ex & I cant stand each other...he is a useless dad financially & emotionally....My youngest goes to see him every other weekend...my eldest has seen him for what he is and the contact has worn thin....

We dont have to have a relationship, I try hard not to bad mouth him in front of the kids (very difficult).....

I think that as long as you let the kids have access to their dad and dont refuse it then it can never be thrown in your face by the kids...

Kids should have a relationship with their father unless of course there are good reasons why not....

As for my O/H ....his ex left her kids and has been a pain in the butt ever since (picks the kids up & drops them like hot potatoes when she feels like it)

Every experience is different but I would like to think that ive done the right thing...

I think if its a baby and the father hasnt bothered much I would be inclined to see how eager he is to see the child and he would have a lot to prove before I left my baby with him...

 

[chriscavell]

Dealing with my ex and our animals was bad enough, I cant imagine what it must be like with a child.
My dad brought me up (with the help of his parents and the support of my mothers parents). She disappeared from my life from the age of 6 until just before I was 21.
I had all the love I needed from my small family and didnt miss her becasue (even though I remembered her) I had no real memories.
I let her back in bacause everyone deserves a second chance and we get along fine.
Its tough but my dad did what was best for me and really thats all you can do for your child.
If hes not there she wont miss him and if thats his attitude maybe shes better off without that kind of role model around

good luck hun

 

[NoLimitNails]

I have experienced both.
I got pregnant with a man who didn't want the child, I tried for the first year of my sons life to make him see him, but no luck, I recieve money every month and my son knows theres a "dad" out there but no more.
Then I got together with a man who I had a daughter with, this man also sees my son as his, and eventhough we are now divorced he keeps seeing both every week. We actually just decided that we wanted to move closer to eachother (we live 10 min apart by car) so we have got appartments just across from eachother, we can wave daddy goodnight every evening. I have a new boyfriend and we all spend time together, and are best friends.
As Gigi said it's about your child, if he's not shown any interest, he probably won't. My recent ex often expressed grattitude because he got the chance to be a father, so give yourself and your child a chance to meet someone who will take interest and love no matter what...
Sometimes it's not about biology but about feelings.
Good luck to you and your child!

 

[Voodoo]

i am going through the same mess with my useless ex and my sons - they are 8 and 11 - so i am also in a position to understand the emotions and feelings you are experiencing.

the worst thing i did was agree to contact, but that was under duress as he threatened court - he will get legal aid cos he refuses to work, whereas i couldn't afford it at the time (he says he won't work til the youngest is too old to claim from the csa, as he refuses to fund my lifestyle!? )

we split 2 years ago, he refused to see them, pay for them and at one point told me to kill them both so he could have an easy life - he was very bitter cos i threw his worthless ass out.

5 months ago he saw that i was back on my feet and as i hadn't been on to him to pay up for quite a long time, he decided to resurface and cause some aggro by threatening court.

i agreed that the boys could go to his mum's every sunday, but i soooo wish i hadn't agreed to do so.

i am doing a 30 mile round trip to drop them off and pick them up as he refuses to pull his weight, and so this morning i emailed him to say that he needs to change as i now refuse to be his taxi service and he needs to get a job to support them....i'm still waiting for a reply.

my boys aren't that bothered about seeing him as he doesn't take them anywhere, and hasn't even taken them to his house...we have no idea where he lives!

i am with a wonderful man who is now their dad, who loves them as his own and is 100% supportive - he has started a business so he can provide for us.


so my advice to you is not to contact your ex about visitation as it will only get worse, you will end up more stressed and your daughter will not benefit one little bit from having a man like that in her life...some role model for the sort of man she should be looking for later in life huh?

be strong and be a good mum who has her best interests at heart, she SHOULD have contact with her father but only if he is a worthy man who is supportive...rather than a **** who is still trying to get into your knickers!

if you want to chat or rant then pm me. :hug:

jue xx

 

[Claudia]

Mmm, its such a tricky one especially when the man in question is not stepping up to the mark. For what it's worth here's my input.

I have not seen my father since I was 13 and previous to that it was sporadic - he was a bit of a wide boy, popular with the ladies and always getting up to no good. But he was and is my father. It's strange but I have no idea where he is now and I still contemplate finding him or wondering why he has never tried to find me. I am 38 this year, and I am so glad that no matter what his faults where that i know him for what he is.

If all contact had been cut - I would only have others opinion, views etc. And to be honest that would only have made me more curious and probably quite resentful of those that kept me from him.

When I split with my ex I could not stand the sight of him, and while I was tempted to pull my daughter from any contact with him (she was just coming up for three) I had to really think about her future. I didnt want to be the one who decided that he was no good for her, that had to be his responsibility or her's when she was much older.

The upshot was that I showed amazing restraint not to physically hurt the idiot and facilitate meetings with them. If it all went belly up I knew I could say to my daughter that I had tried my very, very best for them to have a relationship. As it is he remarried and this was the making of him.

His wife and I run a small business together and get on great, as for him - personally I feel sorry for his wife, but hey she seems happy. My daughter is happy and after a long time (she is eleven now) it is finally working.

Don't make any rash decisions, take your time to think it through - good luck xx

 

[Jessica Rabbit]

I'm sure you can do allot better for the 2 of you. He sounds like a looser to me. His actions show his character which is something that will not change. You've already given him 3 chances which makes me think you are a bit weak where he is concerned (not sure why). There are other blokes that can make you happy and be a good father to your child. Until you get him really out of your life you have little chance of meeting one or giving anyone else a chance.[/quote]

I agree with GIGI. They will be a wonderfull man out there who will be only to glad to have you and your beautiful daughter. Get him out off your life for good and move on.. gook luck... xxx

 

[chantell simone]

I was raised my mum and my step dad who in my opinion is the only father I've ever had and needed.

My biological dad, or sperm donor as I refer to him has never done anything for me and I am so proud and grateful to my mum for seeing he was full of crap and getting rid of him from day one!

Myself and my daughter's dad are now good friend but its taken a long time and we did once have years of fighting and at times I wouldn't let him see her. But now that we get along fine I can see how much better it is for us all to be civil.

You have to do whatever you think is best for you and your baby.

Some people just cannot be parents, no matter what you say or do

 

[kellyhacker]

i split with my ex in june last year we have a 7 yr old he pays maintainance and sees our son 3 times a week i hate him with a passion though he hurt me infront of our son (reason why i left) and now has another partner and i dont see why he should lead a happy life whilst i struggle to make ends meet. if i dont let my son go over to his for whatever reason he gets really upset so i then feel bad and let him see his dad as this is obviously what he wants even if he doesnt know whats good for him!!

on the other side of the arguement my new partner split from his ex arounf the same time their daughter is now two he wasnt really allowed to see her for the first 8 months no matter how hard he tried he was allowed an hour at the ex's house every now and again and she used to be a spiteful moo saying things like oh i wish she was the result of a one night stand etc and all this broke his heart! why stop him seeing his daughter just because she had issues with him?

he now has a court order for every tues 3.30-6.30 every other sat 10-6 and leading up to overnight stays in june with a review hearing in june in which he will fight for more contact

i just wish sometimes that you didnt need men to make babies it would make hating your ex so much more fun lol!!

 

[Exquisite Touch]

I have an ex who was violent towards me in front of my children, he only ever hit me where no one could see, he only did it once in front of the kids he went to work, I packed my bags and left. He fought me in court for access it was granted to him. It lasted all of two visits and then the excuses came.
I met and married my partner and I gave my children the choice they knew what there father was like they declined his offer and told there biological father, You had your chance you blew it, your never there and then you slate my mum and expectt us to take it. thanks but no thanks.
They were 5 & 7 when they told him his jaw dropped to the floor and he put on tears until the eldest said its no good crying now is it..... I had to walk off because i would have laughed in his face and I didnt want to add insult to injury.
When i left the boys were 6 months and 3, the 3 year old hated me for leaving his dad and made it quiet clear. I tried for the sake of the kids for the visitation with their dad but he either couldnt be bothered or would then come with a present and think everything would be ok then, but they werent buying it and was sick to death of being let down. When he sees them now in the street which isnt often as we moved 100 mile away (he only sees them in street if we are visiting my mum) he shouts hello lads come here to your Dad but eldest is now 14 and tells him as it is. You had your chance at playing daddy and you may not think i remember you hitting my mum but i do.... We have our dad and we are happy.

so now he keeps his distance as my boys are out spoken and say it as it is and he doestn like i much.
You must do whats best for your kids dont let them go through the heart ache mine did. I was only 20 when all this was going on so i was young and niave.
good luck with it all think positive and be strong, it all made me a strong willed person and now i stand no messing.